


Paper Ring

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [6]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Big Gay Love Story, Bonding, Canon Backstory, Character Death, Character Development, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Couch Cuddles, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic, Epic Fail, Epic Love, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Foiled Confessions, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Homoeroticism, Homophobia, Homoromantic, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Long, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Male Slash, Missing Scene, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pining John Sheppard, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Prisoner of War, Protectiveness, Romance, Romantic Angst, Romantic Friendship, Romantic Gestures, Romantic Soulmates, Secret Past, Secrets, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Sleeping Together, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Spooning, Star-crossed, Stargate, Team, Team Bonding, Tenderness, Touching, Tragedy, True Love, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:12:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .The heart of Sheppard and McKay's love story... This is a tale of two people, both broken in their own ways, finally allowing their souls to connect..





	1. Shoulda known it was too good to be true

**Author's Note:**

> _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforms with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a military unit fighting evil alien threats in the Pegasus galaxy. The other 2 people on their team, Ronon & Teyla, are not from Earth.  
> Because this is a large international joint military & civilian expedition, those from Earth can often referred to by either their first or last names.  
> Dr. Rodney McKay is a genius astrophysicist that is sometimes referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Colonel John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as either 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> John Sheppard is also the military commander of their base of operations, an alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he is second in command, reporting directly to the leader of the expedition (Dr. Elizabeth Weir).  
> Dr. Carson Beckett is not a member of John Sheppard's team but he is an important figure in the story and the lead medical doctor on Atlantis; often he is referred to as either 'Carson' or 'Beckett'.  
> .  
> .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _After his recent ordeal, Rodney turns to Carson for help._  
> .

.

.

Rodney tries to keep himself from hyperventilating, his hands shaking as he works on the ‘freeze code’; it’s just so hard when John keeps hovering nearby, leaning over him, watching everything he is doing and constantly interrupting as Rodney types into his remote tablet. 

 

It’s normal for John to intrude into his personal space like this but right now Rodney can’t stand it. He wants to scream at him for everything that happened, hurt John the way he hurt Rodney even if it didn’t happen… but it did, at least for Rodney. He just needs John to go away. 

 

Painfully aware of John’s presence behind him, Rodney tries to calm himself mentally, to stop the jittery feeling that he is being violated all over again. Flashes of John’s cruel face and memories of Alex keep intruding into his thoughts. God, if John would just leave him alone. 

 

But Rodney barely trusts himself to speak right now, worried he might break down and start crying. And he can’t let anyone know how vulnerable he is –least of all John. Other than Carson, he’s never told anyone about what happened with Alex and he never will. The shame and degradation is just too much to bear. 

 

“Are you sure this’ll work?” John’s voice startles him as he leans closer over Rodney’s shoulder. 

 

Making a face to mimic his typical annoyance and banter, Rodney tries to quell the full blown panic attack he feels rising in his chest. 

 

“Please” when Rodney hears his own voice, it sounds too much like he is begging, begging John to stop hurting him. God, he’s so pathetic. 

 

But John doesn’t seem to notice the fragility under the surface and Rodney assures himself no one knows. No one will ever know about the fucked up mess in his head. 

 

He answers with a tense and short, “Of course it will work.”

 

“Why is it taking so long?” John continues leaning over him.

 

Why do you always have to-” Rodney feels an irrational fear that John is going to attack him. Before he can say anything too pathetic, he stops himself. _Please, please. Just leave me alone._

 

Rodney flinches and tries to speak again with the acerbic condescension he uses to hide his insecurities, “Look, I need to properly calibrate the frequencies. I wanna make sure that when I freeze them, I freeze them all, okay?”

 

“All would be good.” John answers flippantly. 

 

_Why does John have to keep standing so close to him. _“Okay, will you just let me finish?” Rodney is never going to be able to concentrate with John standing there like that.__

 

Finally, John leans back up and walks away. 

 

“Thank you.” Rodney’s chest uncoils and he feels himself relaxing enough to return his focus to the code.

 

Finishing up, he starts to move to find John and tell him he is finished. Jumping in his skin, he realizes that John has been crouching over his other shoulder this whole time. 

 

He knows it shouldn’t, it normally wouldn’t… but it unnerves him, John is always close and it has never bothered him before, not like this. He knows it wasn’t real but right now he is freaking out about how John fucked with him and made him feel so worthless and afraid.

 

After the ‘freeze code’ is activated, the team takes their helper with them and escapes the ship before it explodes. As they make their way back to Atlantis on a Jumper, the machine begins to act strangely. He says the others on his home planet have discovered what he has done and he is being reset. Then suddenly he begins to choke Elizabeth; they manage to remove him from her and throw him into space, out of the back of the Jumper. But by the time they reach Atlantis, Elizabeth is unconscious. 

 

Once they get her back to medical, they find she has been infected with nanites. It takes some doing to deactivate the tiny computer chips as they replicate themselves inside her body, but eventually she makes a full recovery.

 

.  
.  
__________________________________________________  
.  
.

John has noticed that Rodney has been acting strangely lately. Not so much at work, but other times he seems so jumpy and nervous… It seems like he is avoiding John. He never wants to hang out anymore. And John is pretty sure he didn’t do anything to push Rodney away… 

 

He thought they were past this, but the way Rodney looks at him lately makes John doubt himself. Late one night, John spies Rodney walking around a corner and heads after him. 

 

Taking long, fast strides to catch up, he reaches out to touch Rodney’s shoulder, “Hey.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney flinches, taking a sharp breath. “Don’t. Do that.” 

 

John pulls his hand back. 

 

Rodney is still standing with his back to him, tense, shoulders hunched. 

 

As he gingerly walks around to face him, he sees Rodney’s eyes are clenched shut. They pop open suddenly, and Rodney looks terrified, gripping the sides of his laptop so fiercely his knuckles are white. 

 

“Sorry.” John says in a low voice.

 

Rodney narrows his eyes. 

 

“I am.” John lifts his hands innocently, “I’m really sorry.” 

 

The way Rodney is looking at him now, it seems like he is really angry about something. 

 

“Uh, so,” John furrows his brows, “I’ve been getting the feeling lately that I…” 

 

Rodney’s glare deepens. 

 

“Did I do something, Rodney?” 

 

Looking sad now, Rodney’s blue eyes get wide and his face falters. John wants to reach out and touch his arm to reassure him, but Rodney just said not to touch him. 

 

“What did I do?” John asks softly.

 

“Nothing you did.” Closing his eyes like he is shutting out a painful memory, Rodney shakes his head. He lifts his hand to hold the bridge of his nose. 

 

“No?” John asks again.

 

“I, I, just need some time…” Rodney keeps his face obscured. His reply sounds strained, “I just need to be alone for a while.” 

 

John feels defeated, he wishes Rodney would tell him what’s going on. Rodney seems to have no problem hanging out with Carson. So maybe it isn’t so much time alone as it is time away from John. Which leads him back to the original question. What did he do and why isn’t Rodney going to tell him?

 

“Okay.” John exhales, “If that’s what you want… Um, I’m here though, if you need me.” 

 

Keeping his face lowered into his hands, Rodney simply nods. 

 

Okay. He should probably leave Rodney alone now. Feeling confused and sad, John walks back, departing the way he came. 

 

.  
.  
__________________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

“You did what?” 

 

“It’s not as bad as it sounds Carson, or maybe it is… I don’t know. The point is, I’ve been less careful than I should have been.” 

 

“It’s your own bloody fault for taking the serum, what did you think was going to happen?” 

 

“He just came into my room, and was insistent that I needed a massage-“ 

 

“Just how far did this massage go?” Carson looks at Rodney with suspicion. 

 

“Back only.” Rodney insists, “Nothing else happened, well mostly nothing. It could have happened… he was getting…but I told him to go before it too… 

 

I felt so guilty about it; I seriously thought he was going to kick me off the team or something. But then a couple days later, after he’d been given the antidote, he demands that I give _him_ a massage -so we can be even.” 

 

Carson shakes his head in disbelief, “Whatever the two of you are doing can’t be healthy.” 

 

“Not that it matters, but I gave him a really great massage … and the weird thing is, everything went back to normal… But now I have a real problem. One that I swear is not my fault, so please don’t judge me…” 

 

“I wouldn’t judge you, Rodney.” Carson looks at him compassionately.

 

“That’s good Carson,” Rodney lowers his eyes, “cause I really don’t think I could handle that… I mean, I’m really fucked up right now.” 

 

“Okay.” Carson sits down and gives Rodney his undivided attention, “I’m your friend Rodney, you can talk to me about anything you need to.” 

 

Hugging his arms to his chest, Rodney takes in shallow breaths. These demons from his past have come back. The recent violent memories, or whatever they are, have made the wounds fresh. 

 

Rodney lowers his voice to a whisper, even though they are alone, “It was the mind probe, the one the Replicators gave me…

 

They tortured me… in the most intimate and cruel ways imaginable. Stuff with Alex” Rodney lets out a stuttered sigh, “I been trying to let go of it but I can’t. I’m constantly afraid now, it’s all just as fresh… like it’s happening to me all over again.” 

 

“Rodney,” Carson looks concerned, “maybe you should talk to-“ 

 

“No! I’m not talking to that bitch Heightmeyer… I can’t tell anyone else about this.” 

 

Shaking a bit, Rodney stares at Carson starkly, “No one can ever know about Alex. No one.” 

 

“Okay, Rodney.” Carson’s voice is soothing.

 

“It was Alex… But it started off as John. He, he, told me everything I wanted to hear. Said he loved me… It seemed so wonderful…

 

Uhh, I should have known it was too good to be true. But it was everything I’ve ever wanted… until…afterwards… 

 

He started laughing at me, telling me he was just seeing if I was pathetic enough to fall for it… I, ah, couldn’t believe that he would purposely try to hurt me, even though he doesn’t love me. I know it wasn’t real -but it was. In my mind at least. He told me I was disgusting, that no one would ever love someone like me… ” 

 

“Things Alex used to say to you.” Carson speaks softly.

 

“Yeah,” Rodney frowns, “but it was John saying it… Well, until it wasn’t, until, Alex was there. And the, the rape kept going… for hours it seemed. 

 

I thought I would be over this by now. It’s been over 3 years since things ended with Alex… but now it feels like yesterday. Carson, I’m losing it. I can’t close my eyes without hearing them, seeing them both.” 

 

“Well,” Carson looks at Rodney with sympathy, “I can give you something to help you sleep... The rest just may take some time.” 

 

“As if going through it the first time wasn’t enough…” Rodney makes a bitter frown, “I just don’t know how to face John now. I feel, I feel… like it really happened.” 

 

Carson nods. 

 

“I just want to be able to face him.” Rodney looks around the room nervously, “I want things to go back to normal.” 

 

“Normal?” Carson lifts his brows.

 

“Or whatever normal means when it comes to us. I mean, I know there is no _us_ , I just meant-“ 

 

“I know what you meant.” Carson interrupts, “Just be patient. Give yourself whatever time you need to recover from this scarring experience. Because Rodney, this sounds like a horrifically scarring experience, anyone would be traumatized by this… I wish you would talk to Heightmeyer-“ 

 

“Carson, no.” Rodney lifts his hand, “I’ve tried that before... No.” 

 

With some help from Carson’s sleep aids and anti-anxiety medication, the ugly images start to fade a bit. But he still is plagued by deep insecurities, he feels so pathetic and disgusting. So afraid that everyone can see through him, that they see him the same way. 

 

As the weeks go by, Rodney makes an effort to spend a little time with John again. Playing their game together, it almost seems things are getting back to normal. Whatever normal is when it comes to John.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3 episode 5 "Progeny & during/ after Season 3 episode 6 "The Real World"  
> .


	2. The lessor model of Meredith McKay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _“People don’t like me?” Rodney asks in a voice that Alex would call pathetic._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

Rodney grits his teeth in annoyance, reminding himself that the only reason he is doing this is for Sam. For some reason Sam seems to think the math proof Jeanie wrote in her spare time might hold the answers to making a working bridge between parallel realities –even though Rodney knows he would have figured it out on his own eventually. 

 

 What Sam couldn’t know, what no one will ever know, is that Alex is the real reason he hasn’t spoken to his sister in so long. Though Rodney never really had any friends to lose… and his relationship with his sister had already become strained, Alex had kept Rodney as isolated as possible, flying into violent rages whenever Rodney did something without his permission. 

 

 Trying to push past the obvious hostility Jeanie has shown him since he arrived unannounced at her home in Vancouver, he stays focused on convincing her to sign the non-disclosure agreement. Once she sees what the SGC has been working on, he’s sure her curiosity will get the better of her and she’ll stop being so angry at him over the past. 

 

 But Jeanie stay stubborn, getting indignant when she finds out Rodney is working for the ‘military industrial complex’. 

 

  “Here we go.” Rodney rolls his eyes, bracing himself for one of her hippy rants. 

 

  “Did you know that 1/5 of our genes, the very building blocks of our being, have been patented by major pharmaceutical corporations? 1/5! If there’s any benefit at all to what I’ve written, it’s that it’ll spark an idea in someone else.” 

 

 Rodney lifts a finger to interject, but Jeanie keeps going. 

 

  “I am not gonna sign away my rights, least of all to the U.S. military.” 

 

  He lifts his finger again, “But it has sparked an idea in someone, a big one!” 

 

  “Like what?” Jeanie asks suspiciously. 

 

  “Ah,” Rodney pulls back, “No, can’t tell you. Not until you sign the agreement.” 

 

 Jeanie is sing-song, “I’m not signing the agreement ‘til you tell me.” 

 

“Is everything okay?” Jeanie’s husband walks up with a little girl in his arms. Rodney supposes that is his niece. He tries to remember their names. 

 

“Look who showed up.” Jeannie points at Rodney sarcastically. 

 

“Hey.” Rodney guiltily lifts a hand. He should have tried to reach out to Jeanie sooner, once things with Alex were over. But Alex’s voice is in his head, still convincing him that no one cares if Rodney lives or dies. It’s easier to remain buried in his research instead… 

 

The husband looks confused and Jeanie explains, “It’s my… brother.” 

 

“Oh! Right. Hey.” He sets the girl down. 

 

The little girl runs up to Rodney and hugs his legs, “Hi.” 

 

“Ah…” Rodney has no idea what to say to the child, “Hello little one.” He says awkwardly. 

 

“Did you bring me a present?” She asks. 

 

“Madison!” Jeanie laughs and pulls her daughter back. 

 

“What? No.” Rodney looks up in confusion, “I didn’t know that was a rule.” 

 

“It is!” Madison insists. 

 

Much to Jeanie’s ire, the husband… -Rodney remembers his name now- Kaleb, invites him to stay for dinner. And so he finds himself choking down some of the vegan cardboard they seem to think is food, trying to stay on his best behavior. 

 

After dinner, he is alone again with Jeanie and feigns interest in her domestic matters to smooth the tension between them. But soon they are embroiled in an old argument, the one Jeanie thinks is the reason they stopped talking in the first place -her choice to start a family and withdraw from academia. 

 

For Rodney, it is less humiliating to let her think that was why he stopped calling. No one can ever know what happened with Alex, it’s just too… Rodney shudders and tries to steer the conversation back to what is important, explaining that all of this is bigger than she can imagine, that she could easily set aside her family responsibilities for a couple of months. 

 

“Okay, we’ve had this conversation before.” Jeanie gets angry again, “Ah, you belittle my choices, I get furious at you, and we don’t talk for 4 years. I’m not all that anxious to do that again.” 

 

Neither he or Jeanie were very close with their parents when they were alive; the pair had been distant with their children and with each other. But the one thread that connected the family members was a love of physics and academic excellence. 

 

“This is not what Dad would have wanted.” Rodney argues. “No, he would have wanted us working together, side by side, toppling problems and sharing credit.” 

 

“Oh, you, ah, share credit now, do you?” Jeanie smirks. 

 

As the argument escalates, Rodney decides he has no choice but to go with plan B, he takes ahold of his sister’s hand and has Sam activate his locater beacon. The two of them beam aboard the Daedalus and he and Sam explain to her that she has just been teleported aboard an interstellar vessel. Jeanie remains doubtful until Rodney turns her around to see the view of Earth below.

 

As Sam begins to explain the Stargate program, Jeanie gapes wide-eyed at the view of their planet from space. 

,

 

“What have you gotten yourself involved in here, Meredith?” Jeanie is incredulous. 

 

Rodney groans when she says his first name out loud. 

 

“Meredith?” Sam questions. 

 

“It’s a long story.” He says, hoping Jeanie will drop it at that. 

 

“It’s his name.” Jeanie tells Sam.

 

“Your name is Meredith McKay?” Sam smiles in amusement. 

 

Lowering his head in shame, he explains, “It’s Meredith Rodney McKay, yes, but I prefer to go by Rodney. Look, can we just stick to the point here? Look at the window. Much more interesting than my name.” 

 

But Sam won’t let it go, “Your name is Meredith?!” 

 

 As Jeanie marvels over the fact she is inside an actual spaceship, Rodney takes full advantage of the opportunity to shift the focus away from his embarrassing first name. He and Sam explain that her equations could help save Earth from alien creatures that want to destroy them. 

 

“Look,” Rodney pleads, “the work we could do is important, Jeanie. It’s not just to you or me, to every living being down there, that includes Madison and, um…” 

 

“Kaleb.” Jeanie finishes the forgotten name for him. 

 

“Kaleb, yes.” Rodney tries to sound as if he was just about the say it himself. 

 

“We can’t do this without you.” Sam tells her. 

 

“Well,” Rodney adds, “let’s not go overboard. I mean, she’d be an asset-“ 

 

“McKay.” Sam cuts him off, turning to his sister and entreating her more politely. 

 

Jeanie finally agrees to join Rodney on the Daedalus return trip, and Rodney is saddened to hear that Sam, Lieutenant Colonel Siren will not be accompanying them back to Pegasus. Much to his chagrin, before saying their goodbyes, Sam manages to pass along the information that Rodney previously destroyed a solar system attempting to make these equations work. 

 

 Jeanie taunts him the whole trip back to Atlantis, saying she solved Rodney’s ‘work problem’ in her spare time. 

 

Yeah, whatever, the solar system was uninhabited. And trying to secure limitless power from a parallel dimension isn’t as easy as it sounds. Especially when spending so much time in the field facing death at every turn. Jeanie has no idea what his job is like. 

 

The two of them spend their weeks of travel on the Daedalus perfecting the calculations. Rodney forwards the specs to Zelenka, so any changes that need to be made to the containment chamber will be ready by the time they arrive. 

 

.  
.  
________________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

John walks down the staircase with Elizabeth to greet Rodney and Jeanie as they beam down. 

 

“Has he talked about his sister with you?” Elizabeth asks. 

 

“Once or twice in passing.” John admits, “Usually like, ‘Come on, even my sister can do it!’ You know, that type of thing.” 

 

With a flash of light, Rodney and his sister appear in front of them. A more petite female version of Rodney exclaims, “Holy cow! That can’t be good for you.” 

 

“Nothing to worry about. I’ve done it dozens of times.” He reaches his hand forward, “John Sheppard.” 

 

Rodney glares at him, “Yeah. She’s married, and she’s my sister.” 

 

“I’m just saying hi.” John releases the handshake wondering once again why the hell Rodney has been so hostile to him lately. 

 

“Yeah, no, I know exactly what you’re doing. I’ve seen that look before, Kirk.” Rodney makes a face of disgust. 

 

A little hurt by the accusation, John steps back to make sure Rodney won’t take anything he does the wrong way. He tells himself maybe Rodney is just very protective when it comes to his sister but he knows it is more than that. Lately, Rodney’s temper seems to boil over at the slightest thing and the two of them barely see each other outside work. Well, aside from playing the game here and there. But Rodney’s snipes and jabs have taken on a new edge as if he is secretly furious about something. 

 

Elizabeth introduces herself to Jeanie. 

 

“Thank you, Mere’s told so me much about you.” Jeanie gushes. 

 

“All good I-” John smiles in confusion, “…Did you just call him Mere?” 

 

.  
.  
______________________________________________________  
.  
.

 

Rodney speaks up before Jeanie can answer, “It’s a pet name -Where are we?” 

 

Ushering them quickly to the lab, Rodney checks all the levels and announces that they are ready to initiate power up. Jeanie runs over to the console and asks if he wants to turn it on together. 

 

“Why would we do that?” Rodney answers as if he isn’t really listening. 

 

“Because it’s both of our work.” Jeanie prompts. 

 

“Yeah,” Rodney points to the board, “but there’s only room on the button for one finger, so…” 

 

“Well, then can I do it?” Jeanie asks. 

 

“Yeah,” Rodney argues, “but I’m right here, so…” 

 

“He likes to push the button.” Zelenka explains apologetically. 

 

“Fine. Go.” Jeanie gives in.

 

“Powering up to 5%” Rodney announces, “Containment field is holding, Power generation is steady.” 

 

Elizabeth questions what to do next. When Jeanie answers, Rodney is dismissive, telling her she wasn’t the one being asked. 

 

Jeanie takes offense and loses her patience with him. “’Shared credit, huh?’ ‘We’ll do this together?’ ‘Dad would be so proud’.” 

 

“This is not the time or the place.” Rodney tells her in exasperation. 

 

“Fine.” Jeanie moves to leave, “I’m going to my quarters.” 

 

“Yes, well, Good night.” Rodney tries to sound cheerful, “Thank you!” 

 

Once he is sure everything is running smoothly with the experiment, Rodney heads to the sanctuary of his own quarters for a while. After unwinding for a bit, he decides to get something to eat in the cafeteria. As he approaches, he hears the sound of John’s rollicking laughter and Ronon’s deep belly laughs carry through the room. 

 

His stomach drops a little when he sees Jeanie sitting with his team. They all look like such good friends and something tells him the joke is at his expense. Everyone at the table starts laughing even harder as he walks up. 

 

“What is this?” Rodney asks. 

 

“Hey, Meredith!” John makes a face. 

 

“Oh. Wonderful.” Rodney’s stomach burns in embarrassment. 

 

Teyla busts into a peel of laughter and Jeanie tells Rodney, “John here was kind enough to show me around, offer me a warm meal, and, ah, introduce me to some of your friends.” 

 

Shifting his weight uncomfortably, he asks his sister, “What have you told them?” 

 

“We weren’t talking about you.” John shrugs playfully. 

 

For moment Rodney lets himself believe it, “Oh you weren’t?” 

 

“Uh, no,” Teyla jumps in, “We were discussing many things.” 

 

“Now…” John begins and Rodney knows from the tone of his voice that he is being mocked, “When the issue of bedwetting happened to come up…” 

 

Everyone at the table is sniggering now. “She may have mentioned something about your childhood.” John concludes.

 

_That happened one time._ Rodney is shocked. _Why would Jeanie?…_ He protests, “That is not true!” 

 

“Relax,” Ronon tells him, “we all have embarrassing childhood stories.” 

 

“Of course we do.” John looks smug. 

 

Ronon continues, “There was one time the school bullies made me eat my lunch with my underwear on my head.” 

 

“Oh!” For a moment Rodney feels less pathetic, he can’t believe Ronon suffered from bulling too. 

 

But that moment quickly passes when Ronon points a finger a Rodney, “Oh, wait that was you.” 

 

Everybody is laughing at him again, including John, and Rodney feels hurt and small. This doesn’t seem right, this must be some kind of bad dream, but Rodney knows it is all too real. All the demons from his past are catching up to him. 

 

“Oh, hardy-har-har-.” He turns to Jeanie sadly, “And this is revenge for what, exactly?” 

 

“You don’t even know, do you?” Jeanie shakes her head. 

 

Rodney feels sick to his stomach. He was already hanging on the edge of sanity, after everything that happened when the Replicators probed his mind and raped him. The last thing he needs right now is everyone mocking and laughing at him, making him feel weak and pathetic. 

 

Fortunately, the humiliation is put on hold when they get a call over the intercom to come to the lab’s isolation room. Upon arrival, Rodney is stunned to find a duplicate of himself. Apparently _‘he’_ appeared in the containment chamber in some sort of force field, claiming to be from a parallel universe.

 

As he and Jeanie head into the room to speak with him, Rodney notes that his double looks like a cooler, more laid back version of himself, leather jacket and all.

 

“Wow, now I figured YOU’D be here, but Jeanie?” The man smiles at them, I always hoped we’d work together in Atlantis.” 

 

“This is a first.” Jeanie says in awe. 

 

“For me too.” Rodney echoes in shock. 

 

” Have a seat.” Leather Rodney is more assertive, “Now, I assume you go by…”

 

“Rodney.” 

 

“Ah, Rod.” 

 

“I could never get anyone to call me that.” Rodney puzzles out loud but neither of them seem to be listening.

 

Positioning himself comfortably on the chair, Rod slings an arm behind himself and a masculine leg over his knee. 

 

Rodney faces his double with both feet on the ground, his hands in his lap, trying to regain some of his lost composure. 

 

Rod explains to them that he is here because dangerous exotic particles are being created on his side of the parallel bridge; creating a tear in the fabric of his universe. 

 

“Ah, first a solar system, now a universe.” Jeanie leans over, accusing Rodney. 

 

“Yes,” He ignores her, “how exactly did you get here? 

 

Rod explains that after detecting the anomaly, he and Sheppard came up with a plan. They devised a way to beam someone through, and used an Ancient personal force field device to protect the traveler. 

 

“I depleted ours.” Rodney notes glumly. 

 

“Still, it was an incredible risk.” Jeanie sounds impressed. 

 

“Well, it was Sheppard’s idea.” Rod chuckles. “We decided it might allow one of us to cross the bridge you created and bring the problem to your attention. There was very little time and, well, there seemed to be no other way. We drew straws.” 

 

“You lost.” Rodney points at Rod. 

 

“No, I won! What, the prospect of saving an entire universe? No. It was a no brainer.” 

 

Feeling deeply inadequate, Rodney mumbles, “Oh, sure.” 

 

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Now that the experiment has been shut down, John decides to entertain their guest. Rod claims to be good at golf so John takes him out to his homemade driving range. As they take turns swinging, John has to admit the guy’s not bad; it’s nice to have someone else around who actually enjoys the sport. 

 

John wonders if Sheppard and Rod are as close as he and Rodney have become. Or at least as close as they used to be… before whatever happened that made Rodney so angry at him. He is more than a little shocked to hear Rod’s description of Sheppard as an active member of the Atlantis Mensa club who seems to use every opportunity to remind others of his high IQ. 

 

“Trust me.” Rod laughs, “My Sheppard makes your Rodney seem, ah… modest in comparison.” 

 

Missing the times when Rodney would let his guard down and be more genuine, John knows firsthand how difficult it can be to get to know someone who is constantly using their intellect to overcompensate for their insecurities. These days, that seems to be the only side of Rodney that John gets to see. Still, John wonders if he and McKay ever… Well, if the two of them in this other universe are friends, or maybe even something more. 

 

Joking, John tells Rod that he and Rodney are quite different too, “It’s the little things.” John gestures with his club, “You like golf, you say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, you’re, um… What’s the opposite of condescending?” 

 

Laughing, Rod steps closer and leans in with his hands around Sheppard, offering to help him with his stance.

 

John raises his eyebrows at this assertive McKay. “So… despite your differences… the two of you ever-” John stops unsure of what to ask exactly.

 

When he feels Rod’s body tense up behind him, John thinks he might know the answer.

 

Letting go of his grip around John’s arm, Rod steps back, “I wouldn’t have thought… Really? You and Rodney?”

 

“No! God, no!” John realizes he has given away too much as he feels a hot flush rise to his face, “I mean… What are YOU talking about-? I was just wondering if you two were ever friends or if you guys are just, you know, if you can even stand working together?”

 

Furrowing his brow John practices his swing, staring out at the waves and kicking himself for being so careless. It’s not like Rod is going to know why Rodney can barely seem to stand him anymore and John tries to convince himself that he doesn’t really care. He and Rodney compete, they trade insults, it’s what they do. And once in a while, they admit they actually ARE friends… or at least they used to be.

 

Rod steps around the side and looks at John curiously, “We’ve had our rough patches, but we work pretty well together. Or are you trying to ask about our professional relationship?”

 

John clears his throat and then glances at Rod because he is too curious not to ask, “What do you mean, professional…? You have another kind of… relationship?”

 

“Maybe some things aren’t so different after all.” Rod gives a knowing smile and shakes his head, “My Sheppard is pretty uptight about everything with the military and all. Well, he’s pretty uptight about everything. I don’t know what we are to each other exactly, just that we’re something more than I think either of us expected.”

 

“Oh. Okay, yeah, um… I didn’t mean to get into all that.” Or maybe he did, why ask if he didn’t want to know? John’s throat clenches and his face burns red as he tightens his grip on his golf club and stares down, “I guess the military tends to make you uptight about certain things.”

 

Sighing, John lifts his gaze and admits, “We used to be closer than we are now- _as friends-_ “ he interjects perhaps a little too forcefully, “We’ve had our rough patches… usually we just play around, make fun of each other, and it all works itself out… but…”

 

“But?” Rod prompts.

 

“I’ve tried to ask him what’s really going on…” John makes a face, “that just seems to make it worse.”

 

“Hmmm, if he and I were more alike maybe I’d be able to give you better advice on Rodney,” Rod pauses, “but when it comes to _my_ Sheppard, I’ve learned not to push him, he just gets more secretive and withdrawn if I don’t give him the space to come around on his own.”

 

John presses his lips together wondering if that’s what Rodney has had to deal with in the past. He hates this feeling, that there is something broken between the two of them now. But it’s better if he can act like it doesn’t bother him, give Rodney… space… or whatever.

 

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Rodney walks into the cafeteria for breakfast and again it seems like a bad scene from a nightmare. Everyone is gathered around laughing, no doubt about him. Only this time they are all focused on Rod, the better Rodney… The one that they all like. 

 

John’s hearty laugh can be heard above the others as Rodney makes his way to the table. His stomach tightens wondering what fresh humiliation today will bring. 

 

“What the hell is this?” 

 

“Hey, sleepyhead!” John smiles.

 

“Yeah. Hi.” Rodney mutters angrily.

 

Rod explains through his laughter, “I had a breakfast date with Jeanie. I guess it just kind of ballooned into a group affair. Look, sit down. We’re tracing back our lives, trying to find the little differences between out pasts.” 

 

He narrows his eyes at his confident double. Rodney would be willing to bet that Rod never dated Alex… He tries not to say anything as he secretly fumes, listening to Teyla talk about Rod being an honorary member of the Athosian Council, Jeanie proudly exclaiming that Rod is godfather to Jeanie’s kids. 

 

_Seems like ‘Rod’ has had the perfect fucking life._ Rodney bristles, “Yes, well how wonderful for him.” 

 

“Well, it’s easier for me.” Rod explains, “Our Earth has a ZPM too, so it makes the back and forth a lot simpler.” 

 

_Right, all it would take is another ZPM, and suddenly everyone would like him._ Rodney knows it goes deeper than that; it’s like Alex said, he’s completely unlovable, everyone despises him. He tries to conceal how left out and alone he feels and fortunately the conversation is cut short when Zelenka calls both McKays to the containment chamber. 

 

Before they leave, Rodney can’t help but notice the special fist-bump Rod gives Ronon as they talk about sparring later. As they head back to the containment room, Rodney feels sickened listening to the sound of Jeanie and Rod laughing behind him. He thinks he hates Rod more than he has ever hated anyone.

 

Back in the lab, they find Zelenka has had to turn the machine back on to stave off a catastrophic overload, like the one they had on Doranda. As they all get back to work trying to find a solution, Rod seems to be directing everyone. 

 

Taking a drive that Rod has ordered him to run some tests on, Rodney slinks over to Jeanie, “What were you doing having breakfast with him?” he asks in a low voice. 

 

“I don’t often meet people from another universe. I found myself curiously interested.” 

 

“Yeah, well, I don’t want you hanging around with him anymore.” Rodney instructs in his most authoritative voice.

 

“What?” Jeanie scoffs. 

 

Rodney peers at his imposter, “Look, I am your _real_ brother.” 

 

“It what sense?” Jeanie asks dubiously. 

 

“Oh, what is that supposed to mean?” Rodney glares. 

 

She eyes him skeptically, “You haven’t been a brother to me since I quit school.” 

 

Rodney tries to calm himself down, he can talk about this without mentioning Alex. Jeanie’s referring to one of the last arguments they had, the last time they spoke. Alex had been listening nearby, making sure Rodney sounded upset enough that Jeanie wouldn’t question things when he cut off communication completely. “You were making an incredible mistake.” Rodney parrots what he said that day, which was true –she was. “I was just trying to-” 

 

Jeanie talks over him, “You were trying to control my life, Mere. I –I disagreed with you. I still do. And what, because of that you stop being my brother?” 

 

“I never stopped being your brother!” Rodney tries to sound indignant but in his heart he knows it is a feeble excuse. 

 

“We haven’t talked in 4 years.” 

 

“Don’t put that all on me.” Rodney tries to deflect, after all, she hadn’t called him back either. 

 

“It is all on you.” Jeanie shrugs, “I had no way of getting in touch with you.” 

 

“I was doing top-secret research in another galaxy!” 

 

“You could have sent me a message. You know, call me on my birthday, at Christmas, once a year, that’s all I would have needed. Just a, ‘Hi. How are you? Are you happy? Are you okay?’ That would have been enough, but you couldn’t even do that. No, no, I was wrong and you were right, so, what, I was not worth talking to?” 

 

“It wasn’t like that at all.” Rodney flounders, feeling guilty and utterly worthless. 

 

It had nothing to do with Jeanie not being worth talking to, if anything it was his own self-worth. Things with Alex had been getting really bad. Rodney had stopped talking to everyone at that point. And once it was finally over, he was too ashamed to admit anything. It had been easier to stay alone. He can’t tell Jeanie about Alex. He can’t tell anyone. He knows he should have reached out after all of it was over… if he was any kind of brother worth having, he would have-

 

“You don’t like that I’ve been talking to Rod because it makes you realize how bad a brother you’ve really been.” Jeanie spits out.

 

“Hey,” Rod calls out to them, “you guys got something over there?” 

 

Jeanie looks at Rodney coldly, “No. We don’t.” 

 

Rodney retreats from the lab feeling morose. He finds himself wandering to John’s quarters even though the two of them aren’t exactly close these days. It’s infuriating that John keeps calling him Meredith, but Rodney literally has no one else to turn to.

 

 

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When Rodney bursts into John’s room, he finds himself hoping that maybe they are going to have a real conversation. But Rodney just wants to rant again about Rod and how much he hates him. Grimacing inwardly, John stays out of it, barely looking up as he polishes his golf clubs. 

 

This time Rodney has added a wrinkle to his complaints that Rod is slowing down the research, he has a conspiracy theory that Rod has been lying to them all.

 

“What if the people on his Atlantis were sick of him messing up all the time, huh? So when it came time to send some stooge on a one-way ticket to another universe, there was only one guy they could do without.” 

 

At first John didn’t really understand Rodney’s irrational hatred of Rod, but as he has watched the way Jeanie is around him, he thinks he has an inkling as to what is really bothering Rodney. 

 

“Say what you want,” John says evenly, “I know what this is about.”

 

“Oh, really.” Rodney stops pacing for a moment, “Mr. Mensa in a parallel universe, what is this all about?” 

 

John looks at him squarely, “You think Jeanie likes him more than you.” he guesses. 

 

“What?! That’s crazy. That’s… That’s…” Rodney stops for a moment, “That’s possibly true.” 

 

“Mmm.” John makes a face thinking it is even probably more than the way Jeanie has taken to Rod. He knows how insecure Rodney is underneath all of his bluster, it has probably bruised his ego the way the whole team has taken to Rod. Not that Rodney would ever admit he was jealous. 

 

John realizes Rodney has been talking again and he wasn’t paying attention. 

 

“Jeanie and I drifted apart. I mean, that happens. I mean, it wasn’t done maliciously. Do I have regrets? Yes, of course I do, but who doesn’t? I mean, you know, I’m not very good at saying I’m sorry or that I’m wrong, possibly because it happens so rarely.”

 

“Mmm.” Okay, John has to admit, this paranoid and grandiose rambling is the worst he has heard McKay sound in a while. He knows there is something deeper, something that started before Rodney made that trip back to Earth to see his sister. 

 

“So, I didn’t call or write, and when I realized that 4 years had gone by, it was just a…” Rodney stops again, “You’re right. Of course, you’re right. I mean she has every reason to hate me.” 

 

“I didn’t say she hates you.” John is shocked to hear Rodney speak like this, usually when he is hurt he gets more condescending, never self-deprecating. 

 

“Well she should.” 

 

John continues to act detached when he hears Rodney say this, giving Rodney his space… or whatever… He mumbles little in reply, but his mind is reeling over the events of the last months, trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, why Rodney has become so withdrawn and unhappy, so out of character that he would say his sister hates him. John can’t find the answer but he thinks he has an idea that might just help with Jeanie, at least a little.

 

Rodney’s monologue is cut short by Zelenka’s voice over the intercom, “Dr. McKay to the containment chamber!” “Dr. McKay!” 

 

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The exotic particle problem is spinning out of control much faster than anticipated. They have received a message from the other universe that they have no way of responding to. Rod’s people have developed a means of shifting the particles back to this side of the bridge. If they can’t figure out a solution in the next 6 hours, Rodney’s universe is about to be swallowed out of existence. 

 

Jeanie is the one who finally comes up with a possible solution to collapse the bridge with a massive burst of energy. But it would take almost everything they’ve got; the ZPM would be severely depleted. 

 

Elizabeth sighs when she hears the plan, “So instead of creating a new powerful energy source, we’ll be sacrificing the one we already have.” 

 

“Yes.” Rodney agrees with resignation, “We’d still be able to dial Earth, but much less frequently of course. And let’s just say I wouldn’t wanna be around here if the Wraith show up.” 

 

“I don’t see that we have a choice.” John adds.

 

“All right.” Elizabeth nods, “Do it.” 

 

Rod takes Rodney aside before they attempt the energy spike to tell him he’d like the Daedalus to beam him into the energy stream on the chance he might make it back to his own universe. 

 

Frowning at his double in confusion, Rodney can’t imagine why Rod would be willing to take such a risk, even with the personal force field there is no guarantee. Besides, his own sister, his team, everyone would rather have Rod than him. 

 

“Everyone loves you here.” He tells his double.

 

No one has ever felt that way about Rodney, he can only imagine what it would be like. He doesn’t think he’d be willing to give it up so easily.

 

But Rod is intent on returning for some reason, he gets a faraway look in his eye as he explains that his place is back home; he slaps Rodney on the back, “Besides, they’re not looking for another McKay around here. They already have one.” 

 

“It’s just a lessor model, hmm?” Rodney replies glumly. 

 

“I envy you.” Rod admits, “You say exactly what’s on your mind, no matter how it makes you look. I mean, I can only imagine the freedom you must have, not caring if people like you or not.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney looks away uncomfortably because no one at work has ever come out and said it so directly to him before; Alex said that he was the only one who would tell Rodney the truth about himself. 

 

“People don’t like me?” he asks in a voice that Alex would call pathetic.

 

_Why the hell would Rod think he didn’t care that people hate him?_

 

“Trust me.” Rod assures him, “You’ve got it great here. Now I’ve made some calculations. When the readings reach the levels I’ve indicated, you’ll know whether or not I’ve made it home.” 

 

Rod gives everyone a warm goodbye and hugs his sister; Jeanie complains to Rodney, “You’re letting him do this?” 

 

Not at all sorry to see this better version of himself leaving, Rodney sputters, “I tried to talk him out of it, but you know…Rod.” As Rodney readies the chamber for power input, he steps aside and asks Jeanie, “You wanna press the button?” 

 

She looks surprised and pleased, “Yeah, yeah. Sure.” 

 

Rodney watches as the energy reserves of the ZPM go down and the bridge begins to destabilize. The bridge collapses completely, but he realizes it isn’t enough to get Rod home. Rodney keeps the ZPM maxed out, it’s almost there… Almost there. He waits until he is sure Rod made it back then cuts the power. 

 

Shit. The ZPM is completely drained. The lights flicker off, leaving the lab in darkness until the backup Naquadah generators come online.

 

“I am so fired.” Rodney tells the room.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3, episode 8 "McKay and Mrs. Miller"  
> .


	3. John does some damage control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Sensing there is something deeper and darker that is haunting Rodney, John tries to do what he can to help._  
> .

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It’s become clear to John that Rodney has been struggling for a while now, he’s not sure when it started exactly... it’s been a month or two... And this recent mission hasn’t been easy on him; he can see Rodney is in pain over more than just this rift with Jeanie. 

 

John’s mind turns to the conversation he’d had with Rodney recently. Rodney had been so abstractly blithe, so certain that his sister hated him. The way he’d spoken the words made John think that these feelings were nothing new to McKay, no matter how oblivious and unaffected he tried to appear. 

 

So if Rodney seems to think they all like Rod better, John has to do something to correct that assumption. Rod had been easy enough to get along with, but John is sure that no one would truly prefer him. He feels guilty that the teasing had gotten a little out of hand, it hadn’t seemed to matter at the time since that’s how he and Rodney have always interacted with each other. But he should have known better, he’d seen the signs that Rodney wasn’t himself and John is worried that a greater damage has been done.

 

To make it up to him, John finds the video of the hour-long rant Rodney made before the siege. Rodney would kill him if he knew Ford had given John a copy. Parts of it are a bit embarrassing but mostly it’s adorable watching Rodney in his sleep deprived state, his hair all rumpled as he rambles on about things more intimate than he has ever willingly shared with John. John’s watched it more than a few times and as ridiculous as Rodney sounds, he always feels closer to him somehow… It reminds him of that dream he had where Rodney had been holding him in a nightmare after the siege, making John’s fear and self-loathing go away. It always makes him wish he could reach through to the past and hug Rodney, tell him that they aren’t going to die, that everything ends up okay in the end. 

 

Maybe it’s not so much Rodney’s fear about the past impending Wraith attack, it’s the sadness John sees in Rodney’s eyes when talking about the people he’s tried to connect with. It wasn’t too different from how John was feeling at the time, alone, reflecting on how little he had left to lose. But none of that is what he wants to show Jeanie. Rodney really would kill him if he even knew John had this recording. There is just one segment at the end when Rodney starts talking to his sister, admitting how much the people on Atlantis have come to mean to him and regretting that they weren’t closer. It’s something he thinks Jeanie needs to see.

 

After grabbing his laptop, John finds Jeanie in her quarters and tells her that there is something he wants to show her. She looks at him in curiosity as he opens the video up to the right time stamp and it begins playing.

 

“Jeanie, it’s your brother, Rodney. Obviously. I want to say, um… I want to say something, uh… Family is important. 

 

I’ve come to realize that, because the people here have become a sort of a, kind of a, surrogate family to me. -Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment, but when contemplating one’s own demise, one tends to see things more clearly.” 

 

Continuing magnanimously, Rodney confides to the camera, “I really do wish you the best, you know, and I’m sorry we weren’t closer. Perhaps, um… If by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we can be, and I would like that.” 

 

Rodney seems overcome with emotion for a moment and then he snaps himself out of it, “Now, if there’s time I’d like to-” John stops the video there. 

 

“When did he record this?” Jeanie asks. 

 

“Couple years back when we thought the bad guys were gonna get us.” 

 

“Now I’ve seen 3 sides of my brother.” Jeanie says dryly.

 

Just then, Rodney walks into Jeanie’s room. He looks at John accusingly, “What are you two up to?” 

 

Jeanie closes the laptop and hands it back to John. 

 

Knowing this might look bad, John tries to make a joke out of it in his usual manner, “Nothing. Just, ah, telling stories about you.” He smiles coyly at Rodney, “You know, trying to help her fall asleep.” 

 

“Ah, ha, ha.” Rodney makes a sarcastic face.

 

Getting up, John excuses himself, “I’ll leave you guys alone.” 

 

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“Hey.” Rodney lifts his hand up awkwardly at his sister. 

 

Knowing the Daedalus is leaving in the morning and this is his last chance to make something right between them, he is still at a loss for words. He feels so worthless and empty, instead of saying anything meaningful he just tells her about how he didn’t end up getting fired. Then remembering the small wooden trinket he swiped from Weir’s desk he offers it to her as a gift for Madison. 

 

“Oh.” Jeanie looks puzzled as she takes the odd wooden shaped thing from him. “Well, it’s the thought that counts, I guess.” she says politely. 

 

He wants to reach out to Jeanie in a more meaningful way, but he feels so inadequate, such an immense sadness at his failure. 

 

As Jeanie gets ready to leave, Rodney tries to speak again, he can’t just let her go like this. “Yes, About that… Which is to say… ahm… Look…” Rodney inhales sharply, “What I wanted to…”

 

“Thank you for trying.” Jeanie nods like she is giving him permission to leave. 

 

Rodney’s heart is breaking; he hates himself for being so incapable and pathetic… but he doesn’t know what else to say. Stepping forward, he simply reaches out his arms and hugs her closely. When he feels her reach back to hold him, tears spring to his eyes. 

 

“How are you?” Rodney croaks through the lump in his throat, still clasping Jeanie tightly, “Are you happy? Are you okay?” 

 

“Yeah, Mere. I am. I really am.” Jeanie answers warmly. 

 

After a long hug, Rodney feels a little better. Still holding onto her arm affectionately he tells her, “Intergalactic gate network should be completed soon, so maybe it won’t be 4 years next time?” 

 

“Does this mean I’ll see you at Christmas?” Jeanie grins.

 

“If you can convince Kaleb not to make Tofurky.” Rodney stipulates. 

 

Jeanie giggles, “No promises!”

 

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John has one more thing planned the try to get Rodney back on track. He goes to have a talk with Ronon and Teyla about it. 

 

“So you wish us to speak poorly of Rod?” Teyla asks in confusion.

 

“No…” John makes a face, “Well, yes actually. Whatever you can say about him that will make Rodney feel better.”

 

“And you believe that saying such things about Rod will have a positive effect on Rodney?” Teyla asks sincerely, trying to understand.

 

“Look,” John gestures in frustration, “I know it seems like he doesn’t care, but I’m telling you something’s been wrong with him for a while. He was struggling before Rod got here and now I think he’s convinced himself that we all hate him.”

 

“What, just because we were making fun of him a little?” Ronon waves his arm dismissively, “Can’t imagine how, he’s so full of himself. And you know he deserves a little teasing for being such an ass all the time.”

 

“It was too much,” John frowns, “notice how he didn’t even bother to tell us how intellectually inferior we all were?”

 

“Well,” Ronon shrugs, “he had plenty to say about Rod…”

 

Teyla leans forward with a compassionate look on her face, “Because he believed that we preferred Rod.”

 

“Yes. Thank you, Teyla.” John exhales, “That’s only part of it, but it’s the part I think we can do something about.”

 

“I’m NOT telling him he’s a genius.” Ronon grumbles but he and Teyla agree to John’s plan.

 

“Just follow my lead,” John instructs, “tomorrow morning in the cafeteria.”

 

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The next morning, Rodney narrows his eyes as he sees John laughing with Ronon and Teyla at one of the tables in the cafeteria. Great, more jokes at his expense. Rodney considers just leaving but he is feeling cranky and decides to confront them, assuring himself that he never liked any of them either. 

 

Sounding more dejected than he intends, Rodney lifts his arms, “Am I just not getting the team emails anymore?” 

 

“Take it easy, we’re just talking about Rod.” John explains. 

 

“Oh, yes.” Rodney says unhappily wondering how they will ever get along with their favorite new friend, “Well, of course you are.” 

 

“Do you think he made it back to his universe?” Teyla asks. 

 

“Well, it’s hard to say, really but” Rodney thinks for a moment, breaking the bad news to her, “I doubt he’ll be back though.” 

 

“That’s good.” John smiles, “We found him a little, ah.. creepy.” 

 

“What?” Rodney is shocked. 

 

“Yeah,” Ronon agrees, “I can’t stand people who are nice all the time. Makes me feel like they’re trying to hide something.” 

 

“Really?” Rodney blinks at his teammates, feeling a little less inadequate.

 

“He kept trying to correct me on my Athosian history.” Teyla adds, “It grew tiresome very quickly. 

 

“Well, he wasn’t that bad.” Rodney prompts, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

“Yeah,” John makes a face, “let’s be honest. Rod was annoying.” 

 

, “Well, I’ll be honest with _you…_ ” Rodney begins with a hint of a smile, reaching for a chair to join the table, “That’s kind of nice to hear.” Then despite himself, he feels his face break into a full grin. 

 

As Rodney pulls up his seat, for a moment he thinks he catches John exchanging conspiratorial looks with Ronon and Teyla and has a sudden fear that this is an elaborate joke to humiliate him. But when he meets John’s eyes they are warm and protective and Rodney lets himself relax again. Maybe they don’t hate him as much as he thought they did. 

 

“Now, what else has been happening?” Rodney asks hoping they will include him in the conversation.

 

“Well,” John confides, “Teyla’s got the hots for one of the new Marines.”

 

Teyla kicks John under the table and he flinches “Ow.” 

 

“That is not true!” She tells Rodney.

 

“You know it is.” Ronon teases. 

 

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As they all laugh together, John watches Rodney. There is still a darkness in his eyes, but he seems a little bit lighter now without the specter of Rod hanging over his head. 

 

A few days later when John is out running laps, he spies Rodney staring over the railing of a balcony. As he gets closer, he sees Rodney step up onto the lower rung and lean over further than John is really comfortable with. 

 

He breaks into a quick sprint and grabs Rodney by the back of the shirt, “Hey.” 

 

Panting from exertion, John pulls him away from the railing, “What are you doing?” 

 

“What?” Rodney looks flustered. 

 

John frowns as he tries to catch his breath. He asks again, “What were you doing?” 

 

“I was, uh…” Rodney opens his eyes wide, “just, uh, taking in the view.” 

 

“The view?” John walks to the edge and looks down.

 

“Oh. That?” Rodney joins him at the railing, “No, not… Don’t worry. You know, I’m far too much of a coward to ever do anything like that.” 

 

“Is that supposed to reassure me?” John narrows his eyes at Rodney. 

 

“Uh, sorry. I wouldn’t, you know. Nothing to worry about… I was just curious about…” Rodney leans his head over, “some of those buildings down there.” 

 

John isn’t sure what to think, it hadn’t really looked like Rodney was going to jump... Still, he examines Rodney’s face, “Do I need to be worried about you, Rodney?” 

 

“Wha- No!” Rodney’s voice is shrill.

 

John knows there is something Rodney isn’t telling him. He has been acting really off for the last couple months. He should probably have mentioned it to Elizabeth by now, but he was hoping it would resolve itself. 

 

“Well, something’s been wrong with you…” John sighs, “for a while.” p>

 

Rodney doesn’t deny it. That is something at least. 

 

“What is it?” John asks.

 

“I’ll be okay soon. I just need some time to…” Rodney looks anguished, “sort it out. I just need some time, it’s getting better, I promise.” 

 

John licks his lips, “Well, maybe you should talk to Heightm-“ 

 

“No! No-no-no-no.” Rodney gestures strongly, “I’ve got it under control. And I promise you don’t need to worry about… anything like that.” 

 

A cloud of pain passes over Rodney’s expression. For some reason it reminds John of that night when he saw Rodney lying on the floor of the shower. The night he had just left him there, sobbing. 

 

_’Why had he been so afraid? … He should have gone to Rodney, he should have-‘_

 

“Yeah. I’m fine, actually.” Rodney turns his back to John, looking out over the city again. 

 

Stepping up beside him, John peers at his face; it is closed, his eyes look dull. He knows Rodney is in pain but he is unsure of what to say to make it better. 

 

He reaches out his hand hesitantly and pats Rodney on the back, feeling him flinch a little under his touch, “You know… of all the Rodneys out there, you’re my favorite.” 

 

The corners of Rodney’s mouth curl into a smile and John continues, “So… whatever this thing is… I’m here… if you ever want to talk about it.” 

 

“Now.” John demands, “Do I need to be worried about you?” 

 

Rodney shakes his head. 

 

This time John believes him, “Okay… So, I can leave without worrying that you’re going to end it all?” 

 

“Yes.” Rodney gives a short burst of laughter, “You can go.” 

 

“Well, it’s only cause that would look very bad for me, as a commanding officer.” John jokes.

 

“Well, in that case, I just might consider it.” Rodney retorts. 

 

As John heads off jogging toward the pier, he turns around and watches Rodney for a moment. His figure is stooped over the railing in a way that looks so sad. John presses his lips together in discomfort. 

 

_Why did he just run away when he saw Rodney sobbing on the shower floor? He should have gone to him, he should have…_

 

He’s not running away now is he? Rodney must know how much John cares. But it feels like he is powerless to reach him… He hates the way things have felt between them lately.

 

What if he had come back for Rodney that night? Could it have changed anything between them, could it have made any of this better?

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, during/ after episode 8 "McKay and Mrs. Miller"  
> .


	4. Captain Lyle Holland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Surviving. It is what the military trains a soldier to do, and John does it reflexively, whether he wants to or not._  
> .

.

.

The desert sand is whipping around them, blowing into John's face as he tries to keep Captain Lyle Holland upright. _'Hang in there Lyle._ '

 

Just a little further, John is sure he can get them out of the line of fire. He didn't come this far to let Lyle die on him. 

 

John pulls Lyle behind a rock and leans him against it while he goes to check on how many Taliban they're up against. Lyle is delirious, not seeming to remember John's attempted rescue or the helicopter crash.

 

"Sheppard? What the hell are you doing here?"

 

Suddenly John is confused himself; what _is_ he doing here? "Holland?"

 

Somehow he feels like he already knows that Lyle Holland is dead... or is going to die. No, that can't be right. Not after all this, John isn't going to let that happen. Lyle's going to make it, John just has to get him out in time.

 

Kneeling down, John gently takes Lyle's pulse, "Yeah, he got you pretty good… Alright, got to stop the bleeding."

 

As he assesses Lyle's damaged body, John smiles to mask his panic. Honestly, Lyle's in bad shape, too battered to keep going much longer. He applies some bandaging to stem the bleeding over the more obvious wounds but...

 

_'Please, not after all this.'_ he pleads internally. John can't lose him now, he'll get them out of here and once Lyle sees a medic it'll be okay. They just have to keep moving. Too dazed to object, Lyle lets John lead the way.

 

John has to be sure they aren't being followed from the wreckage, so he makes occasional stops to check for signs of Taliban combatants. He just can't shake the thought that someone else is tracking them too.

 

Leonard. One of his own men. But Leonard wasn't on the chopper. Wait… Who is Leonard? He might be working with the Taliban.

 

After he is sure they aren't being followed, John runs back to Lyle's side, "We're clear."

 

Holland offers his shoulder and lets John take the brunt of the weight. John can't believe how much he's missed the guy. It seems like more than 24 hours since he went missing.

 

Now that he's got Lyle back, John isn't exactly sure how he's going to get him to safety… Not with all those AK-47's out there. But it's up to him to save Holland. John would throw his career away in a heartbeat to save the man. That's what he came here to do and nothing's going to stop him. He'll do anything to save the man he loves.

 

Wiping some blood from around Lyle's head wound, John pulls him into a safe resting spot. It's a strange thing to find in the desert, the enclosure looks like a wigwam. But it should help protect them from enemy fire; he just needs to check the perimeter again.

 

"Leonard must have built this place before he lost it." John explains.

 

Lyle stays quiet as John moves to sit close.

 

Anxious to feel Lyle still with him, John reaches to examine the bandage on Lyle's leg, "Dressing's a little sloppy."

 

Lyle… No, it isn't Lyle.

 

It's Teyla.

 

She winces in pain as John checks her leg, "Still bleeding pretty badly. I'm going to change it, and then go get Beckett."

 

Beckett. Right. There's a friendly doctor out here. He just has to find Beckett.

 

Teyla asks, "John, what just happened out there? The look on your face, the confusion?"

 

And suddenly John realizes he lost Lyle a long time ago. "Nothing. Somebody just popped into mind and caught me off guard."

 

"Do you think it has anything to do with the Wraith generator?" she asks.

 

"Hell, if I know." Everything feels off; John remembers all those bodies they found when they got here, the people who turned on their own friends after being exposed to the experimental generator.

 

He assures her that he's fine and feeling no violent urges yet, "What about you?Got any ideas about killing me?"

 

"No." Teyla shakes her head.

 

John's glad to hear it, "Anyway if this is some Wraith experiment gone haywire, maybe that part of your DNA will make you immune to it."

 

Gunfire erupts from somewhere nearby; John looks outside the enclosure and sees Leonard screaming irrationally.

 

He tries to talk the man down but Leonard pulls the pin on his grenade and blows himself up.

 

"Got to get his tags." John tells Teyla with a heavy voice.

 

_'Just like Afghanistan. The tags went back to Lyle's family and John had nothing to remember him by.'_

 

.

.

 

"Shhh." John's body goes still at the sound of a jeep engine out there, the sound of approaching people. It's got to be the Taliban and John's got to get eyes on them before they're completely surrounded.

 

But once outside John doesn't find a jeep, he's back at the scene of the crashed helicopter. Hearing voices in the distance again, John takes cover behind a small dune. He can see them now, the Taliban, walking along the ridge.

 

Running back to the crashed chopper, Lyle gives him a wary look, "You're out of your mind, you know that?"; his eyes flash with emotion as John moves closer to sit next to him, "You flew back in here alone, didn't you? Against orders, am I right?"

 

"Yeah." John sighs, after hearing Lyle went missing with Vasquez and Bucks, he'd been going out of his mind, "Command was taking to long coordinating extraction scenarios with the Afghans. I didn't think I could wait much longer. And from the looks of it, I was right."

 

"So," John tries to sound lighthearted as he fumbles with Lyle's dressings, "what was wrong with your helicopter that you had to go and hide out in an old Russian one?"

 

"Mine was burnt." Lyle wheezes, his face bloody and spent.

 

"Right." John doesn't want to press him to talk about the worst of it; he hadn't had to ask about Vasquez and Bucks, he could tell by the look on Lyle's face, they didn't make it.

 

Lyle's head lolls back as he looks at John, "Can't help but notice that you're missing yours, too."

 

"Small arms fire hit my tail rotor." John smiles ruefully, "One lucky shot."

 

"Great." Lyle groans, "Now we're both gonna die out here."

 

John smirks thinking of how much Lyle reminds him of Rodney, "Well, there's the Holland I know, always so positive."

 

"Place is crawling with Taliban." Lyle warns.

 

"Yeah." John downplays the seriousness of their predicament to keep Lyle from losing hope, "There are a few here and there."

 

"A few as in how many?"

 

John gets up to patrol the perimeter, "6 ...or so. We can take them"

 

"You crazy son of a bitch." Lyle mutters.

 

"Tell me something that I don't know." John smiles back at him.

 

"John?" Lyle sounds concerned, "John listen to me-"

 

Before he can finish, John cuts him off, "I'm gonna get you out of here, Captain. Don't worry. Then you buy the first round back in Kandahar". Thinking of everything else he'd like to do to Lyle once they get back to Kandahar, he lifts his eyebrows playfully at him.

 

.

.

 

The sun is scorching. 

 

It seems like hours before John sees a friendly bird in the air; pulling out his radio, he calls for help, "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?"

 

There is no response, so John tries again, "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?"

 

Anxiously he looks back to Lyle, sensing something's wrong... something's different about the way Lyle's head is leaning.

 

He runs back to check on him, "Hey, hey, hey. Come on."'

 

_'No-no-no. Don't leave me. Not like this.'_

 

John grabs Lyle's collar possessively and gives him the look. The look they both know implicitly without having to say anything. They've never talked about it, John would't even know how to.

 

Internally his mind is screaming and begging _'Don't you dare fucking leave me, Lyle. You know I love you, I need you. Stay with me.'_

 

Out loud he only says, "I didn't come all this way to leave you here." but his stomach knots with fear at Lyle's condition.

 

It's obvious Lyle's struggling to stay conscious, it seems like he's already given up but for John's sake he keeps talking, "Sheppard, when we get out of here, I'll make sure I say something really nice at your court martial."

 

"Yeah." John has to laugh at his own lack of foresight, how little he bothered to think this through, "Come visit me in Leavenworth, huh?"

 

"No... It's way too depressing."

 

"Yeah." Through his sadness it always makes John smile when Lyle calls him Sheppard off duty; it's a code they use about who they really are to each other.

 

He tries to tell himself that they'll have plenty of time for more than just inside jokes, and innuendos.

 

It's like something Rodney once said, something about being tired of holding back. John doesn't want to keep living this way, he wants to take Lyle in his arms, to finally let it be more. Lyle's made it clear enough that he'd risk it if John would.

 

Military be damned. Regretting how he's lacked the courage and let so much stay unspoken over the years, John's mad with grief and the obsession to get Lyle back alive.

 

But what kind of future could they have now? Lyle's joke about Leavenworth... the reality is, John will probably end up doing time. 

 

Certainly, he won't have his command anymore... He and Lyle will end up separated. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happens to him. He'll do whatever he has to to save Lyle.

 

Scouting within eyeshot of Lyle, John keeps calling over the radio.

 

The channel stays silent, but someone's out there. Someone's _got_ to come for them.

 

Weapons fire nearby stops him. Taliban. He sees one coming for them from over the ridge.

 

After firing a few rounds, John races back to Lyle, "Clipped him in the arm. Not enough to kill him, but enough to scare him off. He's probably calling his buddies. We've got to get out of here."

 

He scoops the man he loves carefully under his arm, supporting a pace as fast as Lyle can manage.

 

They are out in the open now, exposed, they've got to find somewhere safe to lay low. Lyle can't keep moving like this.

 

"Don't worry, I'm going to take care of his friends." John reassures, despite the odds against them.

 

Both weary from exhaustion, they continue trudging on.  

 

Then Lyle loses his footing and they tumble all the way down the side of a dune. At the bottom, Lyle makes no move to get back up.

 

John keeps his voice strong as he wipes the sand from himself, "As much as I'd like to stop and take a break…"

 

"Oh, am I slowing you down? I'm sorry!" Lyle holds his injured leg sarcastically; looking around, "Are we even going in the right direction?"

 

"West." John squints into the sky and gestures.

 

"Looks East to me."

 

"It's West." John points emphatically.

 

"Cause there's a whole mess of Taliban just East of here." Lyle groans.

 

"You know what?" John looks down at him in mock irritation, "When we get back to Kandahar, you're buying the next two rounds. All right. Can you stand?"

 

As he reaches to lift Lyle up, he winces at John in pain, "Stand, sure."

 

"Walk?" John asks hopefully as he pulls them both upright.

 

"We'll see." Lyle sounds uncertain but tries.

 

They progress at a slow hobble now; Lyle has to prop most of his weight on John. "All right, all right." John reassures him with every step, "See? Not so bad."

 

Lyle gives him a look to let John know he doesn't need to be coddled. "Just go, okay?"

 

"See how the sun's moving?" John points out, "That's West."

 

"Whatever." Lyle remains sour.

 

After an hour or so John hears some noise coming from a nearby ridge and they duck down for cover. The sounds get closer and John can't believe what they've stumbled into.

 

The valley below is crawling with Taliban.

 

"West?" Lyle gives John a dubious look.

 

He barely has time to give an affable shrug before they are spotted and taking fire; John manages a lucky shot and one of the trucks goes up in flames.

 

The explosion provides enough of a distraction for them to make a getaway.

 

From their new cover position, John radios in desperation. "Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Come in."

 

Lyle is leaning with his bloody head against him. " _Sheppard_ , whatever happens, thanks for coming for me."

 

This whole plan has gone to hell; John hates to admit it to himself but Lyle looks like he's giving out completely.

 

It's obvious there's internal bleeding and he's not going to last must longer. John pushes his lips together in grief.

 

He won't accept this, it doesn't matter to John if he makes it out of here... but Lyle, Lyle has to.

 

Returning to the radio, John calls over and over, "Arclight, respond. We need to get the hell out of here."

 

Suddenly the desert, Lyle, and everything around him disappears.

 

John is back in the cave with the alien power generator.

 

The thing seems to be off now and John recognizes Teyla and Ronon next to him. Moving back to the present reality, John checks the status of his team.

 

It's a grave shock when he finds out that while under the influence of the generator, he shot Rodney in the chest; thinking he was an enemy Taliban.

 

Once Beckett tells John that Rodney will be fine, he's awash with relief. He doesn't think he could take much more guilt today.

 

Not that Rodney is going to let him off the hook. John's mouth turns down at the corners, Rodney will probably never let him live this down.

 

After apologizing to Rodney, he radios Elizabeth. Now that the interference from the generator is gone he can finally apprise her of the situation.

 

She asks about the rest of the team.

 

"He shot me!" Rodney screams to be heard over John's radio.

 

He walks away from Rodney to finish up with Elizabeth.

 

When John's done talking on the radio, Rodney screams again from where he's lying on the ground, "You shot me!"

 

"Yes, Rodney," John turns around, "I shot you and I said I was SORRY."

 

Rodney gives him a hurt expression.

 

"You shot me too." Ronon reminds John of how he clipped his arm.

 

"I'm sorry for shooting everyone!" John admits in frustration, throwing his hands up in the air, "Just…" He hangs his head, "The Daedalus will be here in a little while. Just get some rest."

 

At least _he_ wasn't the one who shot Teyla in the leg, so John sits next to her.

 

"So…", She asks him quietly, "did you manage to get Captain Holland to safety?"

 

John looks at her and squints his eyes; he tries to talk but his throat closes up on him. He has to look away from her to get control of himself.

 

Finally, he pulls his face into a soldier's expression, impassive and empty he stares ahead, "No."

 

"Well... we survived." Teyla sighs, smiling at John and waiting for him to return her gaze.

 

Forcing his head into a nod, he closes his eyes briefly to banish his memories and give Teyla the answer she wants, "Yes… We did."

 

But he's still haunted by that night Lyle died in his arms, how much he wished he hadn't been the one to survive.

 

Surviving. It's what the military trains a soldier to do, and John does it reflexively, whether he wants to or not. His heart feels too heavy to bear right now.

 

And then Rodney's voice comes squawking through the air, making John smile despite himself, "I can't believe you shot me!".

 

"Get some sleep, Rodney!" he manages a small laugh.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3, episode 9 "Phantoms"  
> .


	5. The truth about Afghanistan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When the ghosts of his own past come back to haunt him, there is no one John dares turn to... except maybe Rodney._

.

.

Since returning from the planet with the alien generator John's barely slept. The trip back on the Daedalus was hard enough, but now back on Atlantis these last two days, things have only gotten worse. The hallucinations he suffered on the planet won't go away. These ghosts from his past have haunted him before, but not like this. Now it's impossible to close his eyes without seeing... _everything_.

 

Once back, John has made his rounds to the others in the infirmary. Ronon's arm wound was pretty superficial and he's been released. Teyla's leg is getting better; only Rodney's gunshot to the chest has been a bit more serious to recover from. 

 

He feels like a haunted shell of himself, barely functioning. Every night is the same, he starts to fall asleep but wakes up drenched in sweat, sometimes screaming. He's wretched, never drifting off for very long. When the mornings come John feels even more exhausted than he did the evening before.

 

And the memories don't stop with daylight. John tries to distract himself, but whatever he does, he still sees the image of Lyle seared into his brain.

 

This time John hopes he can shut his eyes a little longer, he is shaking with exhaustion and dread. As soon as he hits his bed he feels himself losing consciousness. 

 

But then he sees Lyle's face… dead and cold. Bolting upright, he hugs his knees shivering. 

 

When it happened, the first time, the real time… he hadn't had to worry about trying to sleep. Pure adrenaline and fear kept him going… and the pain of course. The torture would shut  John's whole body down and eventually he'd black out.

 

There's nothing to shut him down this time and John doesn't know how he's going to make it through. He begins to feel more afraid than he has in years. 

 

Maybe he can just stay awake if Carson will give him some stims… or something to knock him out. But then John would have to explain. He can't tell anyone about this; he can't ever explain why he's in this waking nightmare.

 

Telling himself, he can think of a decent lie, John heads to the infirmary. When he gets there, he notices Rodney is gone. Forgetting about the drugs entirely, he asks where Rodney is.

 

Carson rolls his eyes, "I've never met a bigger baby in my life. He should still be here, letting me tend to him, but every time I start to unwrap the bandage he yells about how I'm killing him."

 

"So," John struggles to keep his eyes open, "Where is he?"

 

"I released him back to his own quarters, believe me, I didn't want to but he makes it impossible to treat him."

 

"He's okay, though?" John rubs the back of his neck.

 

"Aye, I'll be looking in on him and- ...Colonel?"

 

In his stupor, John realizes he's started walking out of the infirmary, "Uh, I, I'll go check on him."

 

He makes his way to Rodney's quarters in a daze and rings the chime.

 

"It's unlocked." Rodney's voice calls out.

 

"Colonel." Rodney smirks as John walks in, "Here to rub salt in my wound?" but his smile falls quickly and his eyes become concerned.

 

God, John realizes he must look like hell; his body stoops, arms dangling uselessly at his side,  "Rodney." he croaks.

 

He wishes Rodney could help, but how could anyone? He's beyond repair. Broken, and he just can't take the pain anymore.

 

Not long ago, John told Rodney that he could come to him if he needed anything. He'd felt strong then, but now John is the one who needs help.

 

And Rodney, Rodney is the only one he can turn to, the only one he might be able to trust.

 

John's voice is hoarse from all the screaming last night, "Rodney." he just doesn't know what else to say.

 

"God, um, come in please…" Rodney gets up from his bed.

 

Bleary eyed, John just stares straight ahead.

 

"John." Rodney looks at him carefully; he clasps his arm and guides him into the room, stopping in front of the bed.

 

"So messy." John mumbles as he glances around the bedroom. 

 

Releasing his hold, Rodney turns around, moving some of his materials and pushing stray items off of the bed. He pulls the coverlet straight and sits cross-legged on the far side of the mattress, patting his hand on the side closer to John, "Here."

 

John folds himself onto the bed, hugging his knees to his chest.

 

"What's wrong?" Rodney asks softly.

 

"Can't sleep." John's face falls forward for a minute, "No matter what I do I keep seeing him."

 

He's shocked to hear himself talking about this, but somehow he'd known, if Rodney saw how much pain he was in, he would be kind.

 

Rodney is quiet for a moment, "What do you see, John?"

 

He's already said too much, John shakes his head.

 

"It's okay." Rodney's voice is understanding, "You don't have to talk about it…You can stay here as long as you need to, you don't have to be alone right now."

 

Is that why he came, was he afraid to be alone? Hell if John knows.

 

John startles himself by speaking again, "I told you. I'm a train wreck. Nancy was right. I tried though. Really tried to be good enough for her. But I failed, like I fail everyone… I _did_ love her... more than anyone I ever knew… until Lyle."

 

Suddenly afraid, John stops. He's never talked about his… tendencies… not even with a man he's already slept with.

 

It's not like Rodney doesn't know, he's not going to judge or tell anyone. But God. John feels so terrified talking about this. He _can't_ talk about this.

 

He looks up to see Rodney's expression. It's a bit confused, but gentle. 

 

Rodney furrows his brow and asks, "Is this about what happened back on the planet?"

 

"Did Teyla say something?" John's face flushes; she must have spoken about his flashbacks.

 

"No."

 

_'Okay then, maybe Rodney is just perceptive.'_

 

"Sorry I'm so fucked up, I don't mean to be. I shouldn't have come. I was only gonna see... how you were doing but I... now I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I've never told anyone about this."

 

"John," Rodney reaches forward and lightly touches his arm, "You can tell me anything you want, I won't break your confidence… But there's no pressure… like I said, stay as long as you want… You don't owe me an explanation. You want to hang out, just hang out."

 

God, he's losing it. John's face falls onto his knees, a stifled sob breaks in the back of his throat. Rodney keeps his hand on John's shoulder, moving it lightly.

 

With his arms folded protectively around himself, John presses his face down further into his knees. "We met after Nancy -that's my ex-wife- after we got divorced.

 

We were never…It wasn't like that. I mean, in the military, you have to be really careful...

 

The only time I was with guys, it was quick, anonymous… a one time deal. Lyle and I, we were something more, we both knew it… We didn't talk about it or ever act on it, but… It was there between us, it was enough, it was… everything.

 

I never knew I could love someone like that. He was…" John chokes on his words and feels Rodney's hand still there on his arm moving in a reassuring sway.

 

He begins again more stiffly, "Well, a few years into Afghanistan, his chopper goes down behind enemy lines. I had a rescue mission all drawn up, but the big brass didn't want to hear it. I was ordered to stand down.

 

I couldn't take it. After a day of waiting I stole a chopper and went after him. And- and- the thing is, I fucking find him... He's in bad shape, but alive. I _knew_ he'd be alive if I found him in time. Only my chopper goes down too so there's no way out. It was just him and me out there in the sand..."

 

John exhales heavily, "I could tell he had internal bleeding but I bandaged him up the best I could. The best... his voice shakes, "I could. And, and we were headed West... I know we were headed West. He kept saying I was wrong but I know…"

 

Thankfully, Rodney can't see the tears that have begun to spill down his cheeks. But John's voice betrays him as his throat clenches on the words, "I know we were headed West."

 

Rodney is still rubbing his arm as John's body shakes with grief. "I... don't know… why… the Taliban were there.

 

His voice comes out small and broken, pleading, "It was... West… I got us to a safe place... for the night. After all that, I couldn't lose him. I j-just couldn't."

 

It's too much. John is sobbing now in spurts, his body rocking, writhing in on itself. He leans to one side and falls down on the bed, facing away from Rodney, curled into a ball.

 

"Okay... it's okay" Rodney whispers softly as he touches John's back; it has a soothing effect on him.

 

Sobbing in earnest, John lets himself go now, "Rodney… I tried… but…"

 

"Lyle, he, he," John's breath catches, "couldn't move anymore. I could feel him fading."

 

"I held him, h-h-held him",  John cries, "i-in my arms." 

 

"Oh God, I… just held him." John's hands cover his face in sorrow while his body is wracked with emotion, "It was all I could do. I begged hi-him not to… l-leave me."

 

His body contorts as he sobs, "I-I told h-him how much, I l-loved him."

 

Feeling calmer for a moment, John speaks the truth he's hidden for so many years, "I loved him."

 

"He told me that he knew, he always knew, that he loved me the same way." John sniffs through the tears, "All I could do is hold h-him and, and watch him… God, I held him c-close to keep him with me. I held him all night.

 

Sighing,  John's voice gets thin and far way, "Held him… I just held him… and I..."

 

"I-I-I, he-", John's body shakes with a violent sob, "h-held him even after he was g-gone and cold, kept… h-holding on... begging him n-not t-to leave me..."

 

"Please Lyle…" John feels like he is back there.

 

"Oooh." His body shudders and he exhales; the butts of his hands push at his eyes trying to stop the flood.

 

"I cried like a baby all night, I didn't care if the Taliban heard me. The only person I ever really loved was gone… I think he was only person who ever really loved me."

 

Rodney's hand is still moving across his back. The sensation is so comforting. It makes him feel like the horrible storm is passing. John is weak and weary from the force of the tempest.

 

Small trickles of tears leak from his eyes as Rodney's hand smoothes away the snarls in his soul.

 

John takes a breath and speaks again, this time his voice is cold, "The military, the fucking thing about the military is… They train you to survive, even when you don't want to. I didn't want to, but…."

 

"In the morning…" John gives a big stuttered sigh, "I'm so sorry, Lyle… I'm so fucking sorry"

 

Suddenly he is sobbing again.

 

Rodney waits, patiently, stroking his back. It helps John feel less ashamed about breaking down like this.

 

After a time, he finds his voice again, "When the sun came up, I held his hands and told him how sorry I was that I had to go. I begged him to forgive me… I-I took his dog tags, I didn't want to leave, but I, I left… left him alone.

 

"How could I leave him there, alone?" Saying the last word, John's voice breaks and he is overcome, flooded with tears and emotion again.

 

_'Alone. God, he'd just left him alone. He should have stayed with Lyle; he should have died there too.'_

 

It's some time before the storm ebbs away again and John regains his composure.

 

When he continues, this time his voice is terse and carefree "I made it about half a day before the Taliban captured me."

 

Rodney's hand stops in shock and John can hear the unspoken question.

 

"Yeah, they captured me. Tortured me pretty bad for a few weeks. But I didn't cry again, not after that night I lost Lyle.

 

May have screamed a lot… But I didn't cry. I'm sure, you know, it did something to me… made me worse off somehow. But I didn't really care anymore… I think it just kinda helped me go numb inside.

 

The Air Force said I was strong 'cause I hadn't broken… but they were wrong. I just didn't care if I lived or died anymore, I had nothing left to lose.

 

Oh." John thinks back to his own 'rescue', "Yeah, they traded me. Don't know all the details, but I found out they were never coming to get me either… Not Lyle, not me… It was just a fluke that I survived long enough before I got returned in some negotiation…"

 

John's voice gets soft again; "I deserved to die there... The Taliban gave me Lyle's dog tags before I left. I thought about keeping them but I gave them back, for his family. His personal effects were already gone... and then they shipped me off..."

 

He sighs quietly, "I was told how lucky I was that I didn't get court martialed. Probably the only reason I didn't is, they were worried about some 'poor tortured soldier' story and bad publicity.

 

But I never talked about it. Never did. Until now… Not any of it, except the basic facts for one mandatory debriefing. 

 

Didn't really care what happened to me after that… or that I was sent off to Antarctica. It wasn't a bad place to do penance. It's weird, but I actually got to like the silence and the cold."

 

"You know, Rodney" John feels calm and cold now, like he did in Antarctica, "I was never supposed to be here in the first place. It was a mistake that I became the military commander. I let my feelings get in the way of doing my job before, I try to pretend I'm strong…

 

But every time someone dies it takes a little more of what I have left. It's my fault and I live it out over and over, making life and death decisions that are often wrong and get people killed.

 

I don't deserve to be here Rodney, I never did. I deserve to be dead. You all deserve better. You don't understand, but I've failed everyone that's ever mattered to me."

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

"Ohhhh, John… Rodney sighs while petting his back, "I'm sorry… so sorry… I understand you could feel this way, but none of it was your fault -none of it. You haven't failed us. You've saved so many lives, succeeded so many times."

 

Rodney reaches into himself. After everything John's told him, he feels like he should share something as well. Something that will get through to John, show him that Rodney is willing to trust him the same way.

 

"We all have things from the past that haunt us, but it doesn't mean that our worst fears about ourselves are true. I, uh, I've had some things of my own that I've been struggling with. Um, bad stuff, you know? Nothing like you, but…, um..."

 

John turns to look at him, his eyes all puffy and red from crying; Rodney's heart melts and he finds the courage to speak.

 

"I was, uh, , uh," he rushes the dreaded words out, the ones he's never told  anyone before, "raped-and-abused" Rodney inhales shakily, "Um, by, um, someone… in the past. I-I've, uh, never really been the same since… Probably won't ever be.

 

But... what happened recently is, when the Replicators gave us that…" Rodney shudders. 'mind probe'… They played it out again… sort of replayed the scenes and…

 

And now, it feels like everything just happened again. That's what's been wrong with me, why _I_ can't sleep. I see it every time I close my eyes. And the nightmares are…" Rodney shakes his head, "I know what it's like to be haunted by something that you can't get over. It just.. It makes me hate myself. I feel like I deserve to… I feel like I wanna die."

 

John looks up at him in alarm and Rodney runs his hands over his back to soothe him, "BUT, but, the point is, I'm trying really hard to put it behind me, not to believe in the fears they used against me. I'm trying to remember good things are happening now. That I'm part of a team, that there are people who care about me and depend on me.

 

And, uh, you have to remember that too. The same thing is true for you. John, even if you haven't felt like it, you have been strong, strong enough for all of us. You've been an amazing commander. We would be dead without you, many times over.

 

None of us have to be defined by the past. You can't let it consume you, you can't give into your fears." Rodney sighs, "I know you're in a lot of pain -probably more than most of us- but you can't give up. We all care about you, we believe in you and we need you.

 

You aren't supposed to be dead… You're supposed to be here with us. We wouldn't trust-...  _I_ wouldn't trust anyone else the way I trust you."

 

"Do you? _Really_ , Rodney?" John frowns in disbelief, "You trust the guy that was exiled to Antarctica to be the military commander of this expedition?"

 

"Yes." Rodney answers without hesitation. "Of course I do. And God… I'm so sorry, what happened with Lyle... It wasn't your fault you couldn't save him.

 

I only hope I would have had the courage to go after someone I loved that way. I… I can't imagine what that would have been like… to live through all that, to hold it all in. God. I'm so sorry."

 

They look at each other in quiet regard for a few beats; Rodney's heart aches to take some of the pain away, "John?" he asks quietly. 

 

"Would you..." Rodney watches John's face for any adverse reaction, "maybe let me… hold you?"

 

Without giving away any emotion, John blinks his swollen eyes a few times, then nods.

 

Rodney exhales and lies down on the pillows behind them.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John moves to the other side of the bed in order to keep Rodney's wound protected. Still afraid to close his eyes, he lies down with his knees tucked against himself in a tight ball.

 

Rodney turns to his side and wraps his arms around him. John stiffens in surprise for moment but doesn't resist when Rodney squeezes him closer, pulling him into the crook of his arm.

 

"Come here, John"

 

Too tired to fight anymore, too spent from all the tears, he relents. And the fear, the tight coil of fear buried in his chest gives way a little. It's melting in Rodney's warm embrace.

 

He gives in and buries his face against Rodney.

 

And Rodney just holds him, moving his arms slightly, still holding John tight as if he's afraid he'll try to get away.

 

"It's okay John." Rodney whispers, "You've done enough… You've been heroic enough… You've saved enough lives… You haven't failed anyone, especially not Lyle… It's just your fear telling you otherwise."

 

John lets out a staggered sigh as Rodney's hand begins moving in that soothing sway across his back again.

 

"All of us here…" Rodney speaks with a calming lull, "We need you, and we trust you. You haven't failed us and you don't need to be perfect for us… There's no blame. Whatever you think you did wrong has been forgiven. Everything is forgiven, now."

 

Does Rodney mean that? _Everything?_ Is everything between _them_ forgiven?

 

John hopes so. No one has ever comforted him like this; he didn't even know it was possible. Maybe if he could remember more of his mother.... But this is... He's been pardoned for his sins.

 

Another involuntary sigh escapes him and John relaxes more deeply. 

 

How can Rodney do that? John doesn't even know how to forgive himself, but Rodney somehow makes him feel like it's going to be okay.

 

He feels so… protected; John releases his grip on his knees. His hands curl away from himself, reaching for Rodney and the solace he is offering him.

 

Rodney shifts again. Laying on his back now, he pulls John up onto his chest and John lets his head rest there. 

 

It feels so good to be held like this. Finally, he uncurls his legs and reaches a stray arm to drape over Rodney's chest, taking care to avoid the wound.

 

With Rodney's breath rising and falling under his head, he feels... safe. He just wants to burrow into him as close as he can. He finds his arms tightening around Rodney, returning the embrace.

 

And John can't even feel the coil of fear anymore. Rodney has banished the ghosts that haunt him; he is drifting in a tranquil, peaceful sea.

 

For the first time in days, as John's eyes start to get heavy, he is unafraid. Rodney's hand is still there, gently caressing his back. He feels himself being pulled into slumber, but he resists it as long as he can. He just wants to be here with Rodney, feeling safe and forgiven.

 

Sleep overtakes him at last, dreamless for a while. John has a vague sense of moving in the night, readjusting to cuddle with Rodney. Then he lurches awake again from a nightmare.

 

Rodney pulls him back down and holds him tightly to himself. John shudders involuntarily and then goes limp: The fear is gone again. He doesn't ever want to leave Rodney's arms; this feels too perfect.

 

.

.

 

When John wakes up, he is still nestled into Rodney, with an arm and leg sprawled casually over his body. John can't ever remember feeling so comfortable. He breathes in, smelling Rodney's ever so slight, sweet musk. Must be all that chocolate he eats.

 

He stretches sleepily, taking care not to wake Rodney; fortunately, he never gets up this early.

 

His lips brush against Rodney's slightly scratchy jacket; they are both still wearing all their clothes from last night.

 

Oh. Then he feels a deep aching for something more. Now he's afraid to open his eyes or move at all, thinking about Rodney's body under him. God, the things he'd like to do to that body…

 

John's erection shocks him upright. Fortunately Rodney is still sleeping, but he has to go now, before he wakes.

 

Jumping up, he looks back to make sure Rodney is still unconscious, then heads back to his own room.

 

As he walks, everything feels so much lighter, his step, his chest, even the sun streaming through the windows seems to be lifting away the nightmares.

 

And it's so strange when he sees Rodney later that day. He expects to feel overexposed and vulnerable, ashamed after last night. But what he feels is safe and known.

 

He wishes he could fix things for Rodney, the way it feels like Rodney fixed him. John had no idea how much pain Rodney was really in, he'd dismissed and teased Rodney's constant complaining over trivial matters, but there was so much more going on that he hadn't known about.

 

Rodney said he was tortured by the Replicators in ways too hideous to recount… And John had let him down, discounted it as another one of McKay's dramatics. He, of all people, should know what kind of damage torture does to the soul. He should have realized sooner; he knew something was wrong, but he had no idea Rodney was suffering so much.

 

What he feels now... There is so much compassion for what Rodney's been through, so much rage at whoever raped Rodney and made him feel small. It explains a lot about why Rodney has so many defenses up, so much trouble trusting people. 

 

John can't help but wonder if this was also why Rodney had been crying in the shower that night, after the last time they'd been together sexually.

 

It makes him shudder and feel sick to remember that Rodney had been feeling pain after being with him, pain that John had caused somehow.

 

He'd meant to be a good lover. But he realizes he'd been distant and selfish. These are things he knows now that Rodney's fragile ego can't handle. If he could go back, take it all back, he would.

 

He hopes Rodney really does forgive him. 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3 between episodes 9 & 10  
> .


	6. There are certain people I miss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John and Rodney begin having a romantic relationship, despite the fact that the truth of what's really happening between them is left unacknowledged._  
> .

.  
.

When Rodney sees John the next day, it somehow feels shocking. John is talking the same way, making the same facial expressions, but Rodney sees him differently now.   
   
  
It feels so strange to realize that John let Rodney see what is in his heart, as if Rodney got a day pass into the armored walls of John’s city. He feels special knowing that John trusted him enough as a friend to tell him something no one else knows.   
   
  
So often, Rodney has wanted to be closer to John without knowing how. He is so unreachable most of the time. Rodney is happy he got through, just a little bit, and he will hold the secret to his grave.   
   
  
And he will never betray the extra warmth he feels for John now, not unless John approaches him to talk again. Rodney will just continue to banter in his normal manner, acting like nothing has changed. But inside he understands John in a new way; there is a compassion and understanding, a deep current of protectiveness.   
   
  
He loves John even more than he already did, and he would do anything for him.  
After keeping himself from looking for all these years, Rodney finally lets himself hack into John’s service record. Much of it has been redacted, but what is left between the lines is a sad story.   
   
  
John’s life has been war torn and lonely. Before he came to Atlantis, he’d seen action in some of the worst places on Earth. No wonder Antarctica seemed like a vacation. And John had managed to survive a lot of dangerous missions that his friends did not. Lyle was not the only one.   
   
  
Rodney speculates about John’s sexual history. How many male lovers John may have taken… It didn’t sound like many.   
   
  
_’The only time I was with guys, it was quick, anonymous… a one-time deal.’_    
   
  
Where does Rodney fit into that timeline? Is that why John had been so weird about everything, was he really that repressed? Maybe you had to be in the military.  
   
  
Maybe it wasn’t Rodney’s fault that John had left afterwards. If John was used to quick anonymous encounters, then that could be the reason why he never spoke to Rodney after he fucked him, the reason why he left so abruptly.   
   
  
Maybe it had nothing to do with Rodney’s inadequacies and failings; maybe it wasn’t even his fault. Who knows, if John had been comfortable being with a guy, it’s possible that he would have liked Rodney more than he did.   
   
  
He feels a deep empathy for John and the burdens he carries around with him. He doesn’t know if he will ever see that side of John again, but he hopes he does. It doesn’t matter so much now that John will never love Rodney back; he knows they share something real and special. Whatever John is willing to share with Rodney, he will happily take.   
   
  
They are real friends now and that is more than Rodney ever thought he was going to get.  
After Rodney finishes reading the service record, he goes to find John in the gym. John is sparring with Ronon, and from the looks of it, the two of them have been going at it for a while. It feels a little awkward standing in the door and Rodney considers leaving but decides to wait until they are finished.   
   
  
Ronon is the stronger opponent but John is more graceful and agile. Watching John is a slow kind of agony, it stokes Rodney’s desire for him, makes him crave John’s touch. He can’t look away though; the man is so beautiful.   
  
   
Rodney realizes he should have fabricated a pretext for coming here, something professional and dry. Not just to-   
   
  
John calls out, “Rodney, we don’t often get the pleasure of seeing you down here.”   
   
  
Ronon chuckles, “Come to try a round?”   
   
  
“Why, yes. Of course.” Rodney makes a sarcastic face, “That’s why I’m here.”   
   
  
He wants to turn tail and run but that would make him look even more foolish than he already does. Luckily, Ronon soon heads out and leaves Rodney alone with John. As John puts away his fighting sticks, Rodney shifts his weight anxiously. John walks slowly towards Rodney with a odd look on his face. But he doesn’t ask why Rodney is here, much to his relief.  
  
   
John closes his eyes for a moment, then looks at Rodney in an unguarded manner, “Thanks.”   
   
  
“Of course…” The corners of Rodney’s mouth lift up, “I just wanted to tell you… I mean, I know you can open doors and all with your gene, but I, uh… I wanted to tell you that, ah…  
   
  
Anytime you want to come by… if you’re having trouble sleeping, or whatever. There doesn’t have to be a reason… You can come by any time, even, -even if I’m not there... You can just” Rodney flounders at his failed attempt to express himself and tries again.   
   
  
“You want to hang out, just hang out...” he trails off out of breath, feeling foolish again.   
   
  
“Thanks, Rodney.” John’s expression is open and affectionate.  
   
  
“I really mean it, I mean, I really do. I wouldn’t just say that.”   
   
  
“No, I guess you wouldn’t.” John gives a sidelong look.  
   
  
Their eyes lock in silence for a moment or two.   
   
  
Rodney feels like John is seeing him completely, he feels known and accepted. He hopes he makes John feel the same way.   
   
  
“So…” John asks shyly, “you wanna watch a movie tonight?”   
   
  
“Definitely.” Rodney’s whole face smiles.  
   
  
John grins back, “Okay, I’m gonna take a shower…See you at your place in a half hour?”   
   
  
“Great.” Rodney nods eagerly.  
   
  
He races back to his quarters to pick up. He shouldn’t assume John is spending the night, and he definitely shouldn’t assume that there will be any more cuddling.   
   
  
Carson would be giving him hell if he knew about this. Maybe Rodney won’t tell him. There really is no way to explain without context and Rodney certainly isn’t going to tell Carson anything about what John shared with him. Probably better not to tell Carson about spending the night together either; it was innocent enough.   
   
  
Fretting over whether or not to pull out extra bedding, Rodney finally decides to put out an extra blanket and pillow on the side table. That way John will know Rodney wants him to stay, it will be easy for him to spend the night if he wants to. Rodney won’t say anything else about it, John already knows he is welcome.   
   
  
And Rodney is just being a good host. Right.  _Just being a good host, to the man he is terribly in love with._  
   
  
That night they watch ‘The Princess Bride’ together. The two of them sit comfortably on the couch. Lounging around, bumping into each other, even wrestling playfully at one point. John doesn’t pin Rodney to the couch, though Rodney almost wishes he would.   
   
  
At the end of the night, Rodney is pleased to see John reach for the bedding he set out. He watches John as he unfolds the blanket onto the couch.   
   
  
Over the years, he has noticed that the two of them seem to always get tired around the same time -late into the night or early morning. John gets up earlier than Rodney, but otherwise their sleep rhythms are in tune.   
   
  
“Thanks.” John catches Rodney’s eye and looks at him gratefully.  
   
  
“Of course…” Rodney smiles at him with love, “Like I said, come and go as you please. Anytime you want to hang out, just hang out.”  
   
  
Over the next several weeks John does just that. He spends every night on the couch and nearly all his free time with Rodney. Rodney has even come in during the day a few times to catch John reading on his couch. He couldn’t be more elated.   
   
  
In fact, it seems to be healing something inside Rodney that felt broken after the encounter with the Replicators. Maybe it is healing something for John too.  
   
  
He doesn’t even mind when John ‘picks up’ around the place and moves all of his things where he can’t find them. It is just blissful to be around John so much. He feels closer to him than he has ever felt with anyone. He definitely loves John more than he has ever loved anyone.   
   
  
Playing with John is the best, especially when they are on the couch together and there is some kind of physical contact. Rodney knows John doesn’t mean anything by it, so he just lets himself enjoy it.   
   
  
Things feel like they couldn’t be more perfect as Rodney prepares for the debut of his intergalactic gate system between the Milky Way and Pegasus galaxies. And then, in a flash, it is all over.   
   
  
Just after John makes a successful Jumper run through the nearly completed gate system, the Daedalus makes contact with a ship traveling at .999 the speed of light. Like an idiot, Rodney wants to make contact with them.   
   
  
At first it is exciting; a ship-full of Ancients, ghosts from the past that have been subject to the effects of relativistic time dilation. From their perspective, 10,000 years have not passed, Atlantis is still their home and they have not lost the war with the Wraith.   
   
  
The Daedalus eagerly ushers them back to Atlantis, wherein the Captain of the Ancient ship promptly takes control of the city and tells them all to go back to Earth. Rodney’s life in the Pegasus Galaxy is suddenly over. Teyla and Ronon are invited to come back with them but they opt to stay behind and fight the Wraith.   
   
  
John and Carson both get stationed at the SGC but Rodney is assigned to area 51. He is given his pick of projects, but Rodney wishes they had given him a reason to be stationed with his friends.   
   
  
No, he wishes he could have his life on Atlantis back, the one where John spends nights laughing and talking with him. John and Rodney discuss it, of course. They say this isn’t goodbye. They will only be a 2 hour flight away from each other and they can take turns visiting on weekends.  
   
  
Over the next 6 weeks, it turns out that they do stay close. Most weekends John comes to Rodney since he is so close to Vegas and it’s more exciting than when Rodney visits Colorado Springs.   
   
  
Neither of them are big gamblers so they do other things, like racing cars around a track, or even golfing –which Rodney has to admit, isn’t as bad as he first thought. And they talk on the phone a lot. It isn’t a substitute for the real thing, but it will have to do.  
   
.  
.  
___________________________________________________________________  
.  
.  
   
  
  
Well, this sucks. 

  


John is ready to give up, go find Rodney at area 51 and… Well, that is as far as the plan ever gets.   
   
  
As John steps back through the gate at the SGC, he makes a passing crack to General Landry, the Commander of operations at Cheyanne Mountain. “I never thought I’d miss Rodney McKay being a member of my team.”   
   
  
“Well, chemistry doesn't happen overnight.” Landry tells him.  
   
  
That was one thing he and Rodney did have, chemistry. John has seen as much of Rodney as he has been able to since getting back to Earth. Rodney calls him on the phone constantly and they spend weekends together. It’s only a 2 hour flight to Vegas. Still, he misses Rodney an awful lot. He misses… _God, he really misses Rodney._  
   
  
While John is still in the gate room, Woolsey and General O'Neill, the two ‘diplomats’ the Ancients have allowed to stay behind, dial in for their regular check in from Pegasus. Landry invites John to view the live video link.  
   
  
O’Neill and Woolsey say that the Replicators are about to make a run at Atlantis but the Ancients are unconcerned since the base code makes it impossible for them to harm their creators. According to the Ancients, if the humans had stayed, they would have just lost the city to the machines.  
   
  
Wanting to feel involved again somehow, John offers to provide whatever intel he can on the Replicators but Landry tells him they have it all under control. _Yep. Got it, Atlantis doesn’t need him anymore._ John’s so sick of these pointless missions scouting out uninhabited planets in the Milky Way. He misses everything the way it used to be. Grimacing, he makes his way back to his office.  
  
  
In frustration he throws some darts at the board on his wall, picking up the phone absently when it rings. Rodney. He suppresses a knowing smile. Even though Rodney calls a little too often and he hates talking on the phone, John has to admit, he finds these constant calls somewhat comforting.

  


Once again, he listens to Rodney complain about area 51, “I hate it here.”   
   
  
“How is that possible?” John asks sarcastically.  
   
  
“It’s true,” Rodney continues rehashing a conversation they’ve had too many times before.   
   
  
John hates talking about all this, it just reminds him how much everything has changed “Look they gave you everything you wanted, your own lab….” John fiddles abstractly with something on his desk.  
   
  
“Yeah, it’s too big.” Rodney whines.  
   
  
“Handpicked assistants…”   
   
  
“Yeah,” Rodney agrees, “Sycophants, every one of them.”  
   
  
“Even your own choice of projects.” John picks up a model fighter plane thinking about how much he wishes he was still flying.  
   
  
“Well, that’s not true.” Rodney disagrees.  
   
  
Twirling the plane in his hand, John wonders why he is trying to talk Rodney out of feeling miserable when he’s so miserable himself, “Well, other than going back to Atlantis, I mean.”   
   
  
“You know, the truth is, I…”   
   
  
“What?” He can almost hear Rodney gesturing over the phone; he knows just what Rodney looks like when he gets this way -all fast and nervous, trying to get something uncomfortable over with.  
   
  
“Yeah, I don’t wanna use the term ‘lonely,’ but ah, there are certain people who… I miss.”   
   
  
“Me?” John smiles knowingly.  
   
  
Rodney makes a dismissive sound but John knows his face has gone red. Rodney is flustered and trying to cover it up, “You? You, I’m talking to on the phone right now and having dinner with tomorrow, so not so much.”   
   
  
John makes a silent face over the phone. _Whatever you say Rodney, I know you miss me._  
   
  
“But other people, people who I may never see again. Like even Elizabeth, she hasn’t returned any of my calls.”   
   
  
“I know what you mean.” The sadness John has been trying to keep away settles deep into his chest with a heavy thud.  
   
  
“Hey, at least you still get to go off-world with a team of your own.”   
   
  
“Oh yeah, the best and the brightest.” John quips derisively but doesn't elaborate, “All right, see you tomorrow night.” He hangs up before Rodney can sense his own feelings of loss. Tomorrow he’ll be in better spirits.  
   
.  
.  
_____________________________________________________  
.  
.  
   
  
“Yeah, wouldn’t miss it.” Rodney is overcome with sentiment; even though he calls John constantly, he’s never really said how much he misses him, Hey, you know, I…”   
   
  
And then he realizes he is talking to a dead phone, “Yeah.”   
   
  
Damn it. John is always doing that to him. Blinking at the phone in his hand, Rodney makes a face. He hates it when John does that. Whatever, he’s flying into Colorado Springs tomorrow, he’ll get to see John then.    
  


But Rodney worries that he is being too needy and that it will drive John away. The two of them have been getting so close lately but he feels stupid for his sudden bout of emotion.    
  


The two of them will have dinner with Carson tomorrow, then they’ll head back to his old apartment that he and John use on the weekends when Rodney visits. It won’t be the same as when there are at Rodney’s place in Nevada, but they’ll still watch a movie like they always do at night. It’s just Rodney much prefers lounging out on the fold-out couch to the one back at his old apartment.    
  


There was a deliberate reason Rodney got the new couch; he’d constantly wished he had an excuse to be in the same bed with John when they were back in Atlantis, so the first thing he bought for his little place on the outskirts of Vegas was a fold-out couch. In fact, the only reason he rented the house at all was to have a place to be with John on the weekends. Otherwise he would have just stayed on base like he did the rest of the week.    
  


The first weekend John came to visit him Nevada, Rodney had set up the bed with mounds of blankets and pillows so that it seemed more like the perfect reclining ‘couch’ –just one they could both fit on. He’d stocked the fridge full John’s favorite beer and set out all the goodies and drinks atop TV trays strategically placed on each of the side tables.    
  


John had raised his eyebrows but didn’t offer any complaints as he joined Rodney, lounging back onto the pillows and asking, “So what are we watching?”   
  


Two beers, a movie and half later, Rodney had been sleepy enough to roll to his side and pull one of the blankets over himself.   
  


“You’re gonna miss the end.” John nudged him.   
  


“Mmmnngh, too many beers.”   
  


John laughed. “You only had two.”   
  


“M’ Sleepy’” Rodney mumbled, hoping John wouldn’t object to his plan to stay with him on the guest bed.    
  


He felt the weight of the bed shift and John’s shoulder bumping against his back, “You’re ridiculous.” John’s tone sounded soft.   
  


Pretending to be asleep, Rodney stayed still.    
  


And then to his sheer delight, John settled back down on the pillows next to Rodney, close enough that his arm was still making contact with Rodney’s back. Smiling into his pillow Rodney let himself blissfully drift off.   
  


Sometime later, Rodney started from his sleep to feel John stirring again, moving some of the blankets and pillows. John settled down on his side next to Rodney. And then one of his arms slid over Rodney’s blanket, hugging his chest and pulling Rodney close.   
  


In shock Rodney’s eyes popped open for minute, then he squeezed them shut and stilled his breath. His chest warm with desire, he’d wanted to turn around and pull John even closer but he knew it would be a mistake. He’d tried that before and he knew it would only put an end to whatever this new intimacy was that had begun to slowly develop between them. He fantasized that maybe if he just let John be in control, maybe in time John would reach out for something more.    
  


And while things would never be what Rodney really wished for, John did reach out for more. They played golf that second day and John spent a lot of time pressed up behind him, his arms over Rodney’s, holding them in the correct position to help with his swing. It reminded Rodney of the days when John was teaching him how to shoot. It seemed like John was using every chance he had to touch him and have physical contact; John kept touching his arm affectionately or pulling at him impatiently to follow him; Rodney just let it happen, forcing himself not to reach back.    
  


At every opportunity, John would correct Rodney’s posture, standing behind him and leaning in for far too long to really be about golf. Rodney let himself relax into it, the two of them pressing into each other, breathing together without saying a word.   
  


Then John would slowly let go and back away saying something like, “Think you got it this time?” acting as if there was no sexual tension between them.    
  


Rodney would keep looking across the green and make some vague response about how maybe he still needed more help with the backswing thing.   
  


That second night Rodney had been confident enough to make himself at home on the guest bed right away, not even waiting for John, he’d put in a movie he’d picked up as joke.    
  


Walking in from the kitchen, John took a swing of beer and frowned at the screen, “Are you serious?”   
  


Rodney shrugged and did his best to keep a poker face as he stared straight ahead at the movie “Beaches” playing on the screen.    
  


John set down his beer and jumped up on the bed, knees folded next to Rodney, “I don’t know McKay,” his voice taking on that taunting tone, “I hear it’s a real tearjerker, might be too much for you to handle.”    
  


“Oh, so you _have_ seen it?,” Rodney smirked, biting the inside of his lip to keep himself from laughing.   
  


Getting closer on the bed, John’s head leaned onto Rodney’s shoulder, patting him on the chest, “I just want you to know, that no matter what happens, I’m here for you buddy.”   
  


He’d tried his best to outlast John, to win the game of who would break first, but after 15 minutes, Rodney had to get up, “Okay, fine you win. I can’t watch this anymore.”   
  


“Oh, no. Not so fast.” John’s arms pushed him back to the couch, “I know in your heart this is what you really want, McKay.”    
  


John’s face had been so close to his in that moment. And then it was just the two of them staring at each other with John’s words hanging in the air between them _‘I know in your heart this is what you really want McKay’_    
  


Rodney licked his lips, “It seems more like you’re the one that really wants it.”    
  


As soon as Rodney said the words the playfulness fell away from John’s expression, he blinked a few times and little furrow appeared on his brow; but he didn’t back away. For what seemed like an eternity it was just the two of them breathing together, their lips just inches away. But then Rodney sensed a subtle shift in John’s expression; he knew him well enough to see John was closing down.    
  


Suddenly John released Rodney from his hold and got up to change the movie, “I think, ah,” John’s voice took on a playful tone again, “Sometimes it’s better just to leave some movies unwatched.”   
  


Believing he’d pushed John too far, Rodney’d been surprised when John quickly returned to his original position, nested up against Rodney as the action movie started playing. So, later that night Rodney again dared stay on the guest bed, turning on his side and pulling a blanket over himself as he started to get tired.    
  


To his utter disbelief, John clicked off the movie and turned to lay with his chest against Rodney’s back; His arm reached over Rodney side and his face seemed to burrow between Rodney’s shoulder blades.   
  


“You know I’m still awake, right?” Rodney blurted out in confusion, then bit his lip, kicking himself for ruining the moment.   
  


“Mmm” Something about the tone in the soft mumble made Rodney realize that there was something fragile about John in that moment.   
  


“Are you okay?” Rodney asked gently.   
  


“Mmm” _Interpretation: No._    
  


Rodney lifted his hand to place it over John’s, “Are you still having flashbacks, like nightmares?”   
  


“Sometimes.”   
  


His heart lurched and Rodney softly trailed his fingertips over John’s hand, “Sorry.” He whispered, “Wish I could make it better.”   
  


John’s hand clasped his and their fingers interlaced, barely audible as he answered “This feels better.”    
  


It made everything feel better for Rodney too. He must have drifted off soon after because the next thing Rodney remembered was John on the other side of the bed, thrashing in his sleep.    
  


“John” Rodney shook his shoulder to wake him and he lurched up panting, eyes wide with adrenaline.    
  


Rodney reached out gingerly to place his hand on his shoulder again, “John.”; timidly he asked, “Let me hold you?”   
  


John shuddered and exhaled before nodding without meeting Rodney’s eyes. Laying on his back Rodney urged him back down and John curled up into the side of his chest like he had that night when he told Rodney about Lyle.    
  


Protectively placing an arm around John’s back, Rodney had stayed awake until John’s breathing slowed down into a cadence of slumber once more. It hadn’t mattered then that John said he was broken, a train wreck, or whatever else it was that kept him from wanting to be with Rodney. All Rodney cared about was that John let him be as close as knew how to be.   
  


And in the weeks that followed they stayed close, sleeping on the fold-out every time John came to visit; sometimes just next to each other, sometimes nestled closer. In a way, sleeping together at night was more innocent than John's constant touching and flirtatiousness during their days spent together.   
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, after episode 9 "Phantoms" & during episode 10 "The Return: Part 1"  
> .


	7. I missed you too, Rodney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Now John is the one who finds himself wishing he knew how to stop 'holding back'._  
> .

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When Rodney exits the airplane gate, he sees John smiling at him. His heart quickens in excitement and he finds himself hurrying across the crowded room. As he gets close he realizes that he is practically running, flustered he stops a few feet shy.

 

John’s eyes crinkle at him as he grabs Rodney into a fierce hug, “C’mere”

 

“Okay” Rodney exhales and gives a small laugh at John’s stubble tickling his neck. This just isn’t usually the kind of they thing do; their affection for each other is usually shown in a more surreptitious way.

 

“See, I knew you missed me” John growls humorously.

 

“Did not.” Rodney lifts a hand to push himself away but his hand stays on John’s chest, mesmerized by the feel of him; John doesn’t seem to mind and Rodney wonders what brought on this uncharacteristic embrace.

 

“You’re the one hugging me” Rodney mumbles in the snarkiest voice he can muster.

 

“That so?” John sounds amused and Rodney realizes that his other arm is wrapped around John’s waist, holding him just as tight.

 

“I-I mean, you started it.” Rodney flushes as John makes no move to let go.

 

Realizing that John feels hot under his tight black shirt, Rodney’s hand slides further up his chest until he can feel the skin on John’s collarbone under his fingers. His mouth twitches in a small smirk noting that John is flushed too.

 

One of John’s hands is cupped around the back of Rodney’s neck and he realizes that John probably knows just how affected he is as well.

 

“You hungry?” John’s voice sounds nervous.

 

Rodney swallows hard hoping his voice doesn’t sound too quaky, “When am I not?”

 

John sighs and begins to release his hold and Rodney shakily steps back afraid to meet John’s eyes, wondering how red his face is right now.

 

He feels John rubbing his arm, “Then let’s grab your luggage and get down to the restaurant.”

 

“Yeah.” Rodney runs a hand through his hair, “Ah, luggage.” Dazed, he looks around before he remembers the way, “Luggage.”

 

As John drives them to meet Carson, Rodney fills John in on all the latest annoying things his research assistants have been doing. He realizes that John is being oddly quiet and wonders if he has already told John these stories. Probably.

 

But Rodney still feels nervous and flustered about the hug earlier and when he’s nervous he’s prone to talk. He can’t stop himself as he rambles on about how he’s thinking about getting his cat back from his neighbor now that it seems like they’re back on Earth for good.

 

“I guess it just took a while to sink in, you know, that we aren’t going back.”

 

John breaks his silence, “So I got a better couch.”

 

“What do you mean?” Since they’ve been using Rodney’s old apartment on the weekends when he visits Colorado Springs Rodney is confused, “You mean you got a place of your own?”

 

“No, I just got a better couch.”

 

“So, what happened to _my_ couch?”

 

John glances at him and returns his attention to the road, “It was replaced by a fold-out couch. You know, like the one you have - better for watching movies and…stuff”.

 

At a loss for words, Rodney lifts his brows in surprise.

 

“I didn’t think you’d be upset.”

 

“I’m not.” Rodney tries to suppress a smile but fails, he turns his head to look out the window to hide his grin. “Yeah, that sounds, ah, more comfortable.”

 

John pulls into the parking lot of the restaurant and turns off the ignition, “Rodney?”

 

He’s learned to interpret the various intonations of John’s voice when he says his name, this time it sounds almost plaintive.

 

“What is it, John?” Rodney licks his dry lips.

 

“I’ve just been thinking about something you said a long ago.” John lightly touches the top of Rodney’s hand.

 

Wha-“ Rodney inhales sharply, “What did I say?”

 

“I uh,” John pulls his hand back and rubs the back of his head, “Look we should probably get in there. But later tonight…” John flits his eyes up to Rodney’s and they seem almost vulnerable under his long lashes, “I’m looking forward to later tonight.”

 

Blinking wide Rodney gets a rush of butterflies in his stomach hoping against hope that John might mean he is open to letting more develop between them romantically, “Tell me now!” Rodney demands, “You know I can’t stand waiting for anything.”

 

John smiles and closes his hand again over Rodney’s with a squeeze, “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought it through, let’s talk after dinner.”

 

John starts to open the car door, but Rodney holds his other hand in place, “What was it that I said, what were you thinking about?”

 

Sighing John shakes his head, “I just haven’t been happy since we got back and things don’t feel right. I mean, I know they weren’t right before, but now I just... I think I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”

 

Rodney waits hoping John will elaborate.

 

“There are a lot of things I wish I’d done differently. I don’t know what I’m trying to say except, maybe I need to try to change some of it… Maybe holding everything inside is impossible. You know,” John pauses and speaks more quietly, “sometimes I wish I knew how to stop holding back.”

 

Taking a shaky breath, Rodney leans forward trying to get John to meet his eye, “Do you mean-

 

“We should go in.” John cuts him off abruptly and steps out of the car.

 

Frozen to his seat, Rodney’s mind is reeling. Could John possibly mean- No. No, he’s probably just talking about the nightmares. His heart is racing and Rodney tells himself that he’s got to stop this, stop reading more into things with John. _'Don’t go there, McKay'._ Okay. Dinner. Rodney steps out of the car and follows John into the restaurant.

 

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When they get inside Rodney is shocked to see Elizabeth sitting at the table with Carson.

 

“Wow, Hey it’s, ah, good to see you.” He tells her, “I mean long time no see.”

 

“Or returned phone calls.” John chides humorously.

 

“Sorry about that, I’ve been…” Elizabeth looks guilty, “Well, adjusting.”

 

“Aye,” Carson jumps in, “I think we’ve all of have some problems adjusting to a life more…”

 

“Boring?” John suggests

 

They all laugh at that and as they eat together it begins to feel almost like old times to Rodney, almost like they are back in the Atlantis cafeteria. He has really missed how it felt there, like he had a place where he belonged.

 

The conversation hums along pleasantly until Elizabeth asks John if he’s been seeing anyone.

 

“Uh…” John pauses uncomfortably, briefly flitting his eyes to Rodney.

 

Seeing Carson giving him an odd expression, Rodney looks away. But Elizabeth doesn’t seem to notice. Desperately he tries to think of something to say to shift the conversation away from this topic.

 

If Elizabeth asks him about his love life, he’ll probably go all red. And then Carson will know that he’s been letting himself get all wrapped up again, in whatever this ambiguous thing with John is that he can’t seem to let go of. The last thing he wants right now is a lecture from Carson about the dangers of getting too close to Colonel Sheppard. All he wants is to curl up on that couch with John later.

 

Before he can think of anything, John asks Carson if he’s kept in touch with Cadman, suggesting he should give her a call.

 

Knowing about their recent breakup and how difficult it was for Carson, Rodney wishes they could just get back to talking about things that didn’t involve relationships.

 

Carson keeps his reply brief and tells John and Elizabeth that it didn’t work out between the two of them, “May have something to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.”

 

“Oh,” Rodney spits his soup back into the bowl, “we made a solemn vow never to speak of that again.”

 

Fortunately before Elizabeth can ask Rodney about his personal life, she decides that it’s getting late and she should call it a night. But before they can all say their final goodbyes, everyone’s phone starts ringing. Well, everyone except Carson.

 

“I didn’t bring my bloody cell phone with me.” Carson exclaims, “What’s happening?”

 

There seems to be some kind of emergency related to Atlantis so the four of them hurry to the SGC. General Landry shows them an SOS message he received from O’Neill and Woolsey requesting immediate evacuation, as Atlantis is under attack by Replicators

 

Apparently the machines figured out how to override their programming and most of the city has been lost already, “I was informed they had a law written into their base code that made it impossible for them to harm the Ancients.” Landry glowers at the team, “How the hell did this happen?”

 

John and Elizabeth eye Rodney subtly. He speaks up and confesses that it is remotely possible that in trying to rewrite the base code, he may have opened the door for them to make other changes

 

Landry is furious but sets aside the matter of how it happened for the moment, telling them, “What I need from you is…” he pulls up a schematic of Atlantis, “What’s the best way to get a nuke past the shield?”

 

Carson is the first to answer, “Well, _I_ have no idea.”

 

“I didn’t call you in, Doctor.” Landry gives him a dismissive look.

 

The team tries to make a case for mounting a rescue mission, but Landry won’t hear of it saying Atlantis is the Gateway to Earth and he is following General O’Neill’s standing orders to prevent any threat from the Pegasus galaxy from ever reaching the Milky Way.

 

The Daedalus will be arriving at Atlantis in a little under 4 days and he demands that they come up with an immediate solution to get a nuke past its shield.

 

After General Landry leaves, the group makes its way to a private area to discuss the how it could be possible to save Atlantis from destruction. First of all, those Anti-Replicator weapons Colonel Carter developed could come in handy. They lose effectiveness over time, Rodney furrows his brow in thought, but if they could find a way to get all of them at once somehow…

 

Elisabeth interrupts his train of thought by reminding the group that not only would they have to find a way back to Atlantis, all the Replicators would need to do to keep them out is to activate the gate’s shield.

 

Rodney lifts his hand, "Well, I did write a backdoor to the shield program... a couple years ago, when Kolya stormed the city. So, I mean, it could hypothetically let us into the Gate Room."

 

Elizabeth asks Rodney conspiratorially, "General Landry was worried about the Replicators rewriting the bridge macro to gate them somewhere else in the Milky Way. Does that mean you could change the macro, take us somewhere else in Pegasus?"

 

John lifts his arms innocently, "Somewhere like, uh, just talking hypothetically here, the Athosian settlement where Teyla and Ronon are?"

 

"We'd need a Jumper." Rodney answers enthusiastically, his mind already anticipating the questions from his teammates are asking about how to get access to the gate. If he could just get access to Dr. Lee’s computer, he could not only access a Jumper but rewrite some protocols and get them through the stargate without Landry closing the iris on them. Dr. Lee always was such a sucker for World of Warcraft… if he could coach Elizabeth on what to say about the videogame, it might be the perfect distraction…

 

"Hypothetically." Elizabeth adds the caveat as if their plot is merely speculation.

 

"Of course." Carson shrugs innocently.

 

But they all know, one way or another, they are going to do this.

 

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_____________________________________________________  
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Once they all agree that their plan is no longer a hypothetical and that they are actually going through with it, John feels a weight lift off his chest. Consequences be damned, he doesn’t care if he gets court marshalled and loses his job. There was a time when his lifelong career was all he had left but now the idea of losing it doesn’t seem so bad. In fact, it might make some things easier with Rodney…

 

_Shit._ John reaches out and stops Rodney before he and Elizabeth can leave for Dr. Lee’s office, “Wait, there’s something we haven’t covered.”

 

“What is it?” Carson asks.

 

“I just need to talk to Rodney alone for a minute.” John presses his lips together, ”Just, ah, make sure we’ve worked out all the glitches.”

 

Seeing the enthusiasm drop from Rodney’s face and his mouth open in protest, John quickly grabs him by the arm before he can start ranting. Once they are out of earshot John hisses, “Just hold it until we’re alone.”

 

John opens a door and looks inside, “No one here.” he nods his head for Rodney to join him.

 

“Look,” Rodney launches in, “you and I both know I can do this, and if we’re going to make it happen I don’t have time to explain all the little details, which you couldn’t possibly grasp, in order to alleviate your doubts.”

 

“Rodney!” John grasps him by both shoulders to stop the tirade, “I’m not doubting you. I’m doubting whether we should really do this because…” John sighs and his hands clasp Rodney more gently, “I don’t know if it’s worth the risk of you being hurt again.”

 

“I assure you I’m more than capable-” suddenly the bluster falls away and Rodney understands, “Oh.” The color drains from his face.

 

Under his hands John can feel Rodney’s shoulders shrink and curl in on themselves; he mutters, “I hadn’t thought about that, I was just so excited to think we could…” Rodney’s eyes fall to the floor.

 

John remembers seeing Rodney that day he was stooped over the balcony, stepping up on a rung like he was going to jump; and later how he told John that he felt like he wanted to die “I know we all want to save Atlantis but I can’t let anything like that happen to you again.” John’s hands rub Rodney’s hunched shoulders.

 

“You can’t do it without me.” Rodney lifts his gaze and blinks stubbornly.

 

“I know, but-“, Without thinking John wraps his arms around Rodney and pulls him close; Rodney presses his face against John’s chest and hugs him back.

 

God. It feels so good to hold Rodney like this; this is how he imagined spending the night with Rodney later. He’d wanted to tell Rodney that he made a mistake pushing him away and that HE didn’t want to be the one holding back anymore. He doesn’t ever want to let go, for so many years he’s needed to hold Rodney like this. He’s fought against the tidal pull of want and desire but he can’t hold back anymore.

 

It’s probably too late to change the past, but even though Rodney likely has no interest in him anymore, John wants him to know why he was so afraid, why he is still so afraid. And that he didn’t mean to be so heartless. He’d wanted to spend the night holding Rodney close, not taking him back to face the machines that hurt him so badly.

 

“I can do this John.” Rodney’s voice vibrates against his chest.

 

“If we do this,” John tightens his hold protectively, “I want you to stay with me, you don’t leave my side.” He can feel Rodney’s head nodding against him.

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Once the plan is underway and they have broken through the shield, John pairs everyone into teams; He stands a little closer to Rodney than usual, “McKay you’re with me.”

 

After everything Rodney told him about how the Replicators tortured him, he won’t risk letting Rodney out of his sight.

 

After a good deal of bickering and a lot of rewrites to their initial plan, they succeed in retaking the city by disrupting all the nanite bonds at once with a modified pulse that Rodney designs. _Yep. That’s a little bit of that McKay magic that John’s missed_. And despite defying orders, O’Neill rewards them for the grand rescue, doesn’t fire them, and lets John return the expedition to Atlantis.

 

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The lackluster projects at Area 51 are behind him now and Rodney is back where he belongs. The city has been returned to them new and improved since the Replicators repaired so many of the systems while they were in control. Even the Stardrive is online; they might’ve even had the chance to power it up if the IOA had left them with all 3 ZPMs.

 

Rodney wishes he could have taken the fold-out couch back with him, but given how grumpy Landry had been at the time, Rodney hadn’t dared to ask to bring back any frivolous items like bulky furniture. Maybe later he could try to order a bigger bed from Earth and have it brought back when the Daedalus makes one of its trips between the two galaxies. He wonders how John would react to that, would he join Rodney in an actual bed? Probably not. But he can’t stop himself from fantasizing that one day John might change his mind and want him again.

 

It’s a stupid fantasy, he knows no matter how close they are, John only sees him as a friend. And John has been a good friend to him. He’d been really touched by how much concern John had shown for him. Even though Rodney hadn’t been hurt in the struggle with the Replicators, John had taken him aside again after the fight was over, just to talk for a while and make sure he was okay.

 

Rodney had ventured to ask John if he was still having trouble sleeping, still having nightmares. John hadn’t answered but the look on his face told Rodney all he needed to know. It had given him a perfect opportunity to renew his invitation to John, to remind him that he was always welcome in Rodney’s quarters anytime he wanted to come by.

 

“See, Rodney,” John had smiled, “I knew you missed me.”

 

Out of habit Rodney had protested, “I didn’t. Well, ‘miss’ is a strong word, but maybe. -All right, fine. I missed you.”

 

He had expected some teasing in return, but when he looked back at John, the expression was sincere, eyes penetrating.

 

John’s voice had been low as he spoke, “I missed you too, Rodney.”

 

That’s when Rodney knew he was losing control, that he was in too deep to keep any kind of safe distance, he had fallen through that fine line he told himself he was walking with John. He had fallen beyond the point of ever redeeming his heart from the man he loved; and the futility of it didn’t matter anymore; in truth, he’d always been lost to John.

 

For a moment as Rodney stared back into John’s eyes, it felt like John was there with him. But Rodney knew better, he remembered what happened last time he made that mistake. It nearly cost him the friendship.

 

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As the weeks go by, John spends nearly every night on Rodney’s couch. Carson has noticed how much time Rodney is spending with John these days and presses him for details. At first, Rodney tries to deny that anything has changed, but then he gives in and confesses everything. Well, except the stuff John told him in confidence. He confesses that he is still madly in love with John, that he can’t stop himself because nothing has ever felt better.

 

Carson shakes his head, “Rodney, I just don’t want to see you get hurt… And I think there is a strong possibility that-“

 

“I know-I know.” Rodney cuts him off, “It’s just, I mean, I’m trying to reel myself back in. For a while, I was managing okay. It’s not like I’m going to try to kiss him again or anything like that. I know he doesn’t feel the same way, but I just want to be around him. Is that so wrong, to, just…?”

 

“No, but Rodney…” Carson sighs, “Just keep in mind… I think when it comes to the Colonel, he is a bit confused about boundaries. Friends hang out, sure. They don’t spend every night on the couch. I think, you just have a basic human need for companionship and a real relationship would do you good.”

 

“Right.” Rodney winces sarcastically, “Sure, that’s the ticket. I’ll just pick one out, because that’s so easy.”

 

“What about Katie Brown,” Carson suggests, “she seemed-”

 

“Oh. Don’t remind me of that disaster.” Rodney groans.

 

“Fine. I won’t. Just, Rodney? Be careful.”

 

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John joins Rodney on the deck. For a moment, he just gazes at him. Rodney is looking out over the water with a pair of binoculars; somehow he manages to be sexy, adorable, and handsome all at the same time. Standing there watching him, John feels like there is something he needs to say, but he can’t find the words.

 

“Hmmm.” Rodney pulls the glasses away from his eyes. “Hey, how long have you been standing there?”

 

“Hour or so.” John says with a straight face.

 

“What?” Rodney squeaks, “Why didn’t you say anything? I feel like a…” Closing his eyes, Rodney leans his head back “Oh. It’s the kidding.”

 

_‘Yeah… Missed you too, Rodney.’_ “What did you want to show me?” John asks.

 

“Right there.” Rodney points out a spot in the distance.

 

“Wow.” John teases, “All that… water.”

 

“Just wait for it.” Rodney is singsong.

 

A whale breaches the waves and Rodney smiles, “It’s my friend. He’s back.”

 

John has to admit it is kind of cool. The two of them stand out in the ocean air taking turns with the binoculars and joking around. Lately, John has really been missing those weekends back on Earth when he and Rodney would sleep next to each other.

 

It’s harder being on Atlantis, trying to hide the fact that he spends so many evenings on McKay’s couch. He knows it would probably ruin everything between them if he tried to reach out for more, but his feelings for Rodney are so intense, it’s hard not to just want to grab him and pull him in.

 

There are a multitude of fears that keep him from acting on this urge. The fact that he is still disgusted with himself for wanting to be with another man, the fact that he’s hurt Rodney before, and that Rodney probably doesn’t even want John anymore…

 

And on the remote chance Rodney wouldn’t scream at him again and accuse him of not having a heart, well, John would probably end up getting fired. Then he’d have lost everything, Rodney, Atlantis, his career…

 

Still, standing with Rodney here on the balcony all John can feel is the ache of what is missing. It’s hard holding himself at a distance even though he doesn’t really know how to let himself be closer. To get his bearings, John finally excuses himself from the whale watching, he has plenty of other things that he should really be taking care of.

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Later, while walking with Elizabeth, Rodney runs up to them playfully, rambling on in his adorable way about what he’s found out about these whale-like creatures in the Ancient database.

 

With a playful glint in his eye Rodney holds up a computer screen for John to see,

 

“And what is that?” Elizabeth asks

 

“That’s Rodney’s whale friend.” John says in his teasing tone.

 

Of course, this causes Rodney to go on a long winded explanation about how technically it isn’t actually a whale.

 

“And why are you studying this?” Elizabeth seems perplexed.

 

“Oh. ‘Cause he’s out there right now, circling the city. Sheppard and I saw him.” Rodney's eyes light up with exuberance, “Probably the very same whale that saved me last year when I was trapped in that submerged Jumper.”

 

John frowns at him for the lack of appreciation, “I thought Zelenka and I saved you?”

 

“Well, you did, technically, but only after Sam led you to me.”

 

Elizabeth and John both cock their heads in amusement at the name Rodney has given it.

 

“Sam?” Elizabeth asks.

 

“Ah, it’s the whale.” Rodney admits, “I named him after Sam -mantha Carter. Personal reasons.”

 

“You named him Samantha Carter?” John pushes his brows together in a mixture of distaste and jealousy.

 

“Well, Sam’s a boy’s name too.” Rodney argues.

 

John presses his lips together to stop himself from laughing. Made even more difficult by the fact that when Elizabeth asks how Rodney knows it’s male, he tries to show her a picture of the whale’s reproductive anatomy.

 

Elizabeth cuts him off, “Oh, it’s okay, never mind. I’ll take your word for it.” She casts her gaze from John to Rodney, “I trust this little diversion isn’t actually cutting into your work time?”

 

“Oh, no, no,” Rodney tells her earnestly, “No, of course not. No, I’m just dabbling in my free time.”

 

She nods and turns to go, “All right then boys. Dabble away.”

 

John and Rodney exchange guilty looks when Elizabeth leaves, they both know that since they got back to Atlantis they’ve spent a lot of time ‘dabbling’ when they should be working on other things.

 

As John walks with Rodney to the lab, he tries to think of something to get him riled up; Rodney is so cute when he’s flustered, “So these whales. Did the Ancients say they’re good eating?”

 

Rodney falls for it, “Oh, you wouldn’t.”

 

“I would.” John decides to see how long he can keep this going.

 

“No.” Rodney protests, “You can’t. I forbid it.”

 

“You can’t forbid me, Rodney.”

 

“Yes, well…” Rodney looks sincerely distressed, “Then, please. There’s plenty of other food, and, just, just for me, maybe don’t eat, Sam?”

 

Realizing he’s actually upset Rodney, “Hey,” John slings in arm over his shoulder, "I’m only teasing you because it’s just too funny how easily you are provoked.”

 

“Oh. It’s the kidding.” Rodney makes a face at him and still seems annoyed.

 

“You know,” John stops him at looks at him affectionately, “I only tease people I like, right?”

 

Rodney’s face slowly lights up. He is so beautiful when he smiles like that, it makes John’s heart skip.

 

“Fine. I should probably get back to work.” Rodney lifts a finger, “but if I find you eating anything suspicious, I will end you.”

 

John laughs at Rodney’s retreating figure, calling after him and shaking his head. “End me?”

 

.  
.

 

 

John tries to get some work done but less than an hour later he pops by Rodney’s lab to see how his whale research is going. It bothers him more than it should that Rodney insists on calling the sea creature ‘Sam’ after his unrequited crush; he tells him to stop because it’s creepy. Of course Rodney pays him no attention and goes on doing as he pleases.

 

John leans over his shoulder watching what are now multiple gigantic whales on the underwater scanner. Caught up in Rodney’s enthusiasm, John raises his brows, “Hey, wanna take a closer look?”

 

Without waiting for a reply, John starts out of the lab to head to a Jumper but Rodney catches up and grabs his arm, “Wait up! If I’m going underwater again in one of those things I’m going to need some Dramamine.”

 

“Dramamine?” John smirks at him, “What are you 12?”

 

“You know what,” Rodney glares at him and waves his hand dismissively, “just meet me in the Jumper Bay

.  
.

 

As John pilots the Jumper out, he flies at a painstakingly slow speed, glancing to Rodney occasionally, “Not going too fast for you am I?”

 

Rodney rolls his eyes, “Take your time Colonel, I’m in no hurry.”

 

But as they get closer to the water and start to dive down, he notices Rodney fidgeting and taking deep breaths.

 

John looks over to the copilot chair, asking in all seriousness, “You all right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Rodney waves his hand, “I never feel safe in these things underwater.”

 

“In space, you’re okay?” John jokes.

 

“Yeah, of course I am.” Rodney sounds confused, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

John bites his lip in amusement; Rodney is the quirkiest person he knows.

 

As they get within visual range, a splitting pain shoots through John’s head and he lifts his hand to rub his eyes. Rodney immediately notices and seems worried but John shakes it off telling Rodney it’s just a headache.

 

But as they get closer to the gigantic sea creatures, John sees Rodney wince in pain, lifting a hand to his head. Looking at him in concern John asks what’s wrong. When Rodney says his head is hurting too John feels his protective instinct go into overdrive. Knowing this can’t be a coincidence, he steers the ship, trying to get away from the creatures but they seem to be everywhere now.

 

Looking at Rodney, he does a double take. “Rodney?”

 

“What?”

 

John tries to hide his growing sense of alarm, “Your nose is bleeding.”

 

_Dammit. Every way he turns, one of them blocks his way out._

 

One of the whales arcs in front of the window cutting off John’s path again and he grits his teeth in frustration. His head feels like it’s going to explode.

 

Rodney’s breath hitches and he collapses onto the console, unconscious. John panics and pulls the Jumper into a hard arc heading straight up for the surface; He yells into the coms. “Rodney’s passed out. His ears are bleeding. We gotta get out of the water.”

 

John feels his ears; they are also bleeding. If he can’t get them out of here, he’s going to pass out too. _Focus, John._ His hands, grip the controls, if he can stay conscious just a little longer, they can make it. Finally they breach the surface, “We’re out of the water. Rodney’s in trouble. Have a medical team ready.”

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places during Season 3, episode 10 "The Return: Part 1", through episode 11 "The Return: Part 2", and episode 12 "Echoes"  
> .


	8. He and Rodney have been getting so close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John's feelings for Rodney are spiraling dangerously out of control... control he no longer has to shut down and turn off his emotions._

.

.

When John sees Rodney wake up on the stretcher next to him, he feels a rush of relief. He can’t seem to hear much of anything but after resting for a while he’s starting to feel better. Rodney immediately picks up his tablet and begins fiddling with it.

 

Not having anything of his own to occupy him, John starts to get bored; he looks over to Rodney, speaking loudly, “Pains going away. Think my hearing’s gettin’ better too. What about you? …Rodney!” 

 

Rodney keeps working on his tablet and doesn’t look up. To see if he’s just ignoring him John tells him that the Canadian Football League’s a joke, but Rodney still doesn’t look up. ‘ _What else is Canadian?’_ John makes a comment about Celine Dion being overrated. Still nothing. Okay, Rodney might not care about that.

 

Oh. Then John thinks of the perfect zinger, something that would definitely get Rodney to react, “Zelenka is smarter than you are!” he yells.

 

Rodney seems undisturbed and turns a moment later, shouting, “Hey! I found mention of a bio-lab in the database! Ancient scientists used it to study animal life! We should check it out!” 

 

“Okay. …Meredith.” John taunts.

 

Still nothing. 

 

More people are joining them in the infirmary, bleeding from the echolocation of the now hundreds of whales swarming around the city. Some are even having hallucinations, calling them ghosts. John and Rodney decide to check out this bio-lab and see if they can turn up some information about what’s going on. They follow Rodney’s sensor readings into a formally flooded section of the city.

 

Suddenly, Rodney puts his fist up to indicate a full stop. 

 

It takes some willpower not to burst out laughing. It always cracks John up when Rodney tries to do military signals. But Rodney just keeps holding his fist up with that serious expression while glancing at his tablet. 

 

John can’t help it; he walks up to Rodney’s hand, grabs it, and pulls it down. 

 

Undeterred, Rodney yanks his arm away, pointing and yelling, “This is it!” 

 

As they walk into the lab the lights flicker on and Rodney walks up to a huge screen that displays some kind of large wave frequencies. John walks up close behind him wondering if Rodney’s hearing is still as bad as his.

 

Just then, Rodney bends forward on the console and his butt almost bumps into John since he is standing so close. Smirking, John steps back a little and looks at it.

 

“Nice ass.” He cracks.

 

Rodney waves his hand like he will listen to John once he is done with whatever important settings he is attending too. John is sure that would’ve provoked a response if Rodney heard him.

 

He bites his lip, eyeing Rodney’s very fine round and gravity defying ass. He remembers what it was like to squeeze it, how firm it felt under his palm, and… Oh God, how tight it felt when John had his cock inside it. An electric flutter of arousal runs deep through his stomach and groin.

 

He takes a sharp breath, “God you make me want to fuck you when you-“ he stops himself in shock that he just said that out loud.

 

“Did you say something?” Rodney turns around.

 

 “Yes.” John’s pulse quickens.

 

“Well…?” Rodney gestures impatiently.

 

John smiles to cover up the nervous flutter in his chest. He steps forward again standing a few inches from Rodney’s face, “I was just thinking…” John leans to place one arm on the console, “Maybe I could help.”

 

Rodney gapes at him then closes his mouth in consternation, “I, uh…” his eyes flit down to John’s lips; he seems nervous that they are so close.

 

Does Rodney want him to back off or is it possible John could ever convince him to get involved with him again? He can’t tell by Rodney’s expression. A wash of shame flushes through John’s body at how much desire he is feeling. But he can’t stop himself. His other hand reaches up to the side of Rodney’s face, lightly brushing his ear.

 

“How you feeling? Can you hear me?”

 

“Uh, oh, you mean my ears.” Rodney sounds breathless, “I think they’re getting better.”

 

Feeling bolder now, John continues touching the side of Rodney’s face, his hand slides over his ear and down the slope of Rodney’s jaw, “Good.” John licks his lips.

 

“I was worried about you.” John’s fingertips tentatively reach around the nape of Rodney’s neck.

 

“O-oh, okay.” Rodney looks like he is trying to figure out what is going on.

 

He wonders if he actually has enough courage to tell Rodney what he is thinking, what he wants. His hand drops away and he steps to Rodney’s side by the console, “What do you think this machine is for?” he asks in a louder voice now that they aren’t facing each other.

 

“What do I…” Rodney blinks at him for a minute then shakes his head turning around again, “ _That was_ what I was trying to figure out. These sound waves seem to be mimicking the whales.”

 

“You can hear that?”

 

“Not really but the wave frequencies are obviously-“ Rodney turns up a dial and then John can hear it too. “There it is. It looks like they Ancients were studying the whales, maybe even trying to communicate with them.” He squints at the script on the screen, deducing that the whales are actually trying to help them, to warn them about something.

 

As Rodney studies the machine further, they receive an update that the side effects in the city are becoming severe. People are falling gravely ill, suffering mass hallucinations from the effects of echolocation as hundreds of whales are now circling the city. Rodney brings Elizabeth back to the lab to explain, since apparently the Daedalus has arrived, and Caldwell’s brilliant plan is to kill the whales.

 

As Rodney explains what they have learned, John cuts him short to keep him from rambling on too much about the science behind it.

 

 “All sorts of tree-huggy stuff.” John adds. He points to Rodney, “Tell them about the ghosts.” 

 

“Ah! Not ghosts, image projections.” He explains that the whales are projecting them and the machine should be able to translate what the whales are trying to communicate.

 

He, Elizabeth, and Zelenka wait for McKay to figure out what the whales are trying to warn them about. There is not much for John to do but watch as Rodney toils at the machine trying to learn more. He finds him irresistibly sexy when he’s all excited about solving a problem. 

 

Rodney bends back over the machine and John pulls his hand over his mouth to hide the effect it is having on him.

 

The others leave and John leans against a machine in the far back of the room to keep himself from doing anything he shouldn’t. It still doesn’t stop him from wanting to.

 

Since Rodney can’t hear him, he tries to talk himself out of it, “It would never work out. It’s not like anything could really happen.  Jesus, I mean, with a… guy?  Not to mention I’d end up getting fired… Yeah,” John muses, “it would pretty much be a complete disaster.”

 

Eventually Elizabeth comes back and asks John how Rodney is doing.

 

“I don’t know” John rubs his chin, “He’s taking a while. A lot longer than he usually takes.”

 

Rodney straightens up from the console and turns around to face them, “He can hear you, you know.”

 

A shock of fear runs through John’s body, wondering if Rodney overheard what he’d said a few minutes earlier. He squeezes his thumb into his chin as his eyes flare wide; Elizabeth is standing right next to him so he quickly composes himself and keeps his voice calm, “Yeah, we know.” He answers in his most casual tone.

 

When Rodney turns away from them to play a possible language interpretation, John buries his face in his hand for a moment and cringes. ‘ _Jesus Christ, get ahold of yourself, John.’_

.

.

.

 

Once Rodney has figured it out, he and John race to the control room with the news. The Lantean sun has a turbulent sunspot that erupts with a massive coronal ejection every 15,000 years, one that is beginning right now.

 

The last time it happened, the Ancients were able to protect the planet by extending their shield, but since Atlantis just gave their shiny new ZPM’s to the SGC, the last remaining one will not be sufficient to protect the planet from this extinction level event; there is no time to evacuate everyone before it hits.

 

John comes up with a plan but Rodney thinks it’s crazy.

 

As the two of them run down the hall to retrieve the remaining ZPM, Rodney can’t stop complaining about how stupid it is to attempt this because the Daedalus would have to get suicidally close to sun for it to deflect the dispersal enough from fanning out over the planet.

 

To get him to shut up him John, stops suddenly in front of him and puts his fist up in the air like he is giving a military signal.

 

“What is it!” Rodney hisses in alarm.

 

“I thought I heard something.” John raises his brows at Rodney.

 

“What?”

 

“Something about this being a stupid plan.”

 

Rodney makes a face, “It _is_ a stupid plan.”

 

“Ah.” John makes a fist sign for full stop again.

 

This time Rodney grabs _his_ arm and pulls it down, “Stop doing that. We’re running out of time.”

 

Once they have reached the ZPM Rodney continues to express his reservations in a dramatic fashion. He even goes so far as to take out his tablet and begin sketching a drawing. No, not a drawing, a scribble that is supposed to represent the sun and the deadly effect of its flare as it blots out the planet.

 

Knowing Rodney means well, John keeps a straight face and repeats everything they have already discussed, “That’s why we’re taking the ZPM, to strengthen the shield.”

 

Rodney continues to rant in a panicked voice about how even if it works, the heat could kill everyone aboard the Daedalus. John walks over to Rodney’s side and sets the ZPM case down. He tries to project assurance but nothing seems to calm Rodney down.

 

To stop him, John places his hand on Rodney’s chest. He tries to convey the protectiveness he feels for him and Rodney seems to sense it, if just for a moment. And then Zelenka radios to say they are out of time, the coronal prominence has begun collapsing.

 

John pulls his hand back as they beam aboard the Daedalus to carry out the crazy plan. Desperate as it is, it actually works, the Daedalus just barely manages to hold together as the blast wave from the sun hits them.

 

When they get back to Atlantis, the screen in the control room shows that all the whales began leaving as soon as the threat subsided. 

.

.

.

 

John goes looking for Rodney and finds him out on the balcony again looking for whales. He’d thought they’d all left, but Rodney points one out, breaching the waves nearby; he thinks it’s his buddy Sam.

 

Just then, John has the most overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around Rodney and pull him in; but instead he just pats Rodney on the shoulder before he leaves. There is more he has to get done today before he can meet up with Rodney later. It’s become a given that most nights he will meet up with Rodney later. 

 

Over the last couple months, John has felt himself growing closer and closer to Rodney. He has stopped having bad flashbacks or nightmares; he just likes spending the night in Rodney’s room. 

 

The two of them lounge on the couch together in the evenings. It feels so comfortable and familiar. John is always looking for a reason to touch Rodney, to tease him and wrestle a little, or prop his feet onto Rodney’s lap. 

 

It almost feels like… Well, he doesn’t know exactly, but it feels good. Rodney has made it so easy for him to be there. And whether Rodney is there or not, John has gotten used to coming and going whenever he likes. 

 

Sometimes, he straightens up a little, just to help out. But he likes the way the messy room feels. It’s just so Rodney. And Rodney has an effect on John that he has come to crave. 

 

It’s not even just sexual, of course there is that; but being close with Rodney gives him something he’s never felt before -a peace and a deep sense of knowing, of being seen and accepted for who he is. Rodney isn’t at all like anyone he’s ever known. When John first met him, he’d been attracted to Rodney’s looks, but he had no idea what a strange and amazing person he really was. 

 

John wishes that he’d handled things differently in the past. He doesn’t know if Rodney would ever still want him that way. And John doesn’t really know how to do this… but he knows he would let Rodney kiss him now. He would kiss Rodney back. He would hold him afterward, curl up in bed with him the way he really wants to. He would spend the whole night with Rodney holding him, not just lying nearby or occasionally daring to sling an arm around him.

 

Of course, letting himself think like this is dangerous,. Right now, he doesn’t have to worry too much about what anyone might think of all the time they spend together. But, that is because it is all completely innocent. 

 

If John were to try to have something more, he could lose everything. He tries not to think about it, all of it is so wrong. He shouldn’t be thinking about Rodney this way; he shouldn’t want to be with a man this way. It would be easier just to shut it all off. 

 

The problem is that something about Rodney makes him feel things, like Rodney knows how to get to his shut-off valve. What’s worse, is John doesn’t want to stop it. He wants to feel everything with Rodney.

 

That night they hunker down on the couch and watch a movie. Rodney seems extra tired and starts to drift off halfway through the film. As it gets late, John watches as Rodney’s head begins to sag to one side and then his body starts to sink into the sofa. 

 

Sliding forward, John pulls Rodney in and lets his head fall back onto his chest. He wraps his arms around him. Rodney is breathing peacefully. Oh. It feels so right to hold him. John lets his hand sway and brush over Rodney’s chest. He has missed the feel of the smooth skin underneath that shirt. 

 

His heart skips as he gazes at Rodney’s face and he lets his hand slide up his neck until it is cupping the side of his face. God. He can’t believe he wants to kiss him, he’s never kissed a guy… never done anything with a guy other than Rodney except a few one night stands. And those encounters were just about sex, nothing personal like this.

 

But even from the beginning there was something about Rodney that made him long to connect in a different way. No matter how he’s tried to fight it, it’s only deepened with time. His hand caresses Rodney’s face with the tenderness he feels for him. John’s thumbs strays over Rodney’s lips and traces them lightly.

 

If John could let go of his fear, he wonders if there is any way Rodney would give him a second chance. For what he doesn’t know. Maybe just a chance to be closer. It’s what he needs, to be as close to him as he can get. Everything about Rodney just consumes him.

 

“Oh, Rodney,” John whispers, “If I knew how… I would… there’s so much I wish I could…” his throat clenches.

 

_._

_._

* * *

_._

_._

 

_‘What do you wish John? Tell me you want me back… Please want me back.’_

 

He never knows when John is going to reach out for him in some way, just that it is rare and won’t last. He savors every moment he gets being close to John. It is probably wrong; Rodney shouldn’t let himself do this, but he is so pathetically in love. 

 

Whenever and whatever John wants from him, Rodney will give it. He will give anything for the exquisite and terribly repressed soldier who will never love him back. It doesn’t matter; Rodney has belonged to John, ever since he first made him _his_ in Antarctica.

 

He breathes softly and tries not to break the spell. John is holding him and Rodney doesn’t want to do anything that might cause him to let go. Rodney’s eyes flutter for a moment as he tries not to shiver at the wonderful sensation of John’s finger teasing his lips, the palm gently cupping his jaw.

 

He is in heaven with his head leaning back into John. Rodney lets himself sink back as the arm holding him moves lightly across his chest. He can’t resist it; he’s like a moth to the flame. It always ends up hurting but what does it really matter… He has no control anyway.

 

 “Rodney.” He hears John softly whisper again.

 

John has never touched him like this before and he can’t help the glimmer of hope in his heart. He lets his eyes open just a hair and gives a soft moan against the touch on his lips. The fingers go still for a moment, then trail along his cheekbone.

 

It comes out as a quiet rustle, “John.” And then Rodney blinks up to see the green eyes rippling back at him, wide, conflicted and intense.

 

Everything goes deathly still in the moments that follow.

 

Pressing his lips together for a moment, a flicker of something like pain passes across John’s face, “You awake?” he asks Rodney hoarse and hushed.

 

It seems more like a strange dream that is about to dissolve, “Sort of?” Rodney ventures.

 

“Sorry.” John squeezes his eyes shut and Rodney feels the hand on his face trembling, suddenly pulling away, “I didn’t mean to.”

 

“You didn’t?” Rodney’s heart sinks. 

 

“Uh, didn’t mean to keep you up." John starts to pull away, "Should probably get some sleep.”

 

The absence of John’s arms around him leaves him empty, too deflated to move from his half slumped position, “Sleep.” he repeats dully.

 

Looking questioningly at John, he wants to shake the man, to demand something more, “Why don’t you-“ Rodney waits for an answer to the question he can’t find the words for, but John’s eyes are distant now.

 

“Yeah.” Rodney looks away, whatever he wants from John isn’t there; he pulls himself off the couch and shuffles to his bed, wondering if John has retreated so far that he’ll go sleep in his own room tonight.

 

As he pulls the covers over his head to hide himself, he hears John speak again, “Rodney?”

 

He has learned to interpret the various intonations and meanings when John says his name; this one sounds something like sadness or remorse.

 

“Yeah?” he whispers.

 

John answers with a simple “Goodnight.” But the way he says it is so fragile and wavering like he is reaching out again, the syllables resonate with tenderness.

 

It is enough to make some of the emptiness ebb away.

 

“Goodnight.” Rodney replies and colors the simple word with the emotions he is feeling. ‘ _I love you, I need you. Please don’t go.’_

 

And then he hears John rustling with the bedding and laying down on the small sofa. He buries his face in the bed pillow and tucks the blanket under his chin consoling himself with the fact the John is at least still in the room with him. But he wishes he’d tried to bring that fold-out couch back. Since they left Earth, it hasn’t been the same. He misses sleeping next to John.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3, during/ after episode 12 "Echoes"  
> .


	9. John was going to find the courage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _The truth is too strong to deny any longer and John admits to himself that he's fallen in love with Rodney._  
> .

.

  
.

 

John shakes his head in amusement at Rodney's hypochondria, this time he seems to believe that a mysterious energy discharge is going to turn him into a monster.

 

When Carson declares Rodney fit for active duty he argues, "Are you insane? Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?"

 

Rolling his eyes dramatically, John agrees to be Rodney's sidekick for the afternoon, on the off chance that he might develop any bizarre mutations. They return to the lab where Zelenka is still trying to figure out what the glowy green thing was that came out of the Ancient machine.

 

When Zelenka sees Rodney he begins teasing him about how he just trying to show off for an attractive woman on the team. He says that's why Rodney got distracted in the first place.

 

John doesn't know who they are talking about at first, but he will get to the bottom of it. For instance, how hot is she really? Does McKay have a thing for her? And if so, how can John put an end to it before anything happens?

 

Mentally he kicks himself for being so jealous. He knows he shouldn't, but he's been feeling so possessive of Rodney lately.

 

"Which one's Esposito?" John asks Zelenka.

 

"Oh the long, dark hair." Zelenka replies.

 

Oh. She is hot. John doesn't look up or act interested outwardly but inside he feels venomous, "Oh right, the one with the perfect little-"

 

"Would you mind?" Rodney interrupts, "We're trying to work here."

 

Ah. So Rodney _is_ interested, otherwise this kind of talk wouldn't bother him. John feels tense but acts innocent, "For the record, I was going to say smile."

 

"Mmm," Rodney groans, "yeah, sure you were."

 

Rodney and Zelenka argue for a bit. Finally, Rodney gets fed up and declares in frustration, "Okay, that's it. I'm going for lunch."

 

John follows him there, but Rodney seems to be in his own little world as the two of them walk to the cafeteria; he loses track of him somewhere in line.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Despite his growing hunger, Rodney loses interest in his meal as he listens to his teammates talk about him at the next table over.

 

"How is he doing?" Teyla asks, concerned.

 

"Same old Rodney." John assures her.

 

"You sure?" Ronon asks, "He looks a couple pounds heavier to me."

 

Teyla scolds him, "Ronon."

 

"What?" Ronon says blithely, "He eats all the time. It's not like he exercises."

 

And then John says something unforgivable, "Feeding his unhappiness."

 

Rodney chokes on his food -he doesn't care if it was meant as a joke, John has no right to tell anyone about his unhappiness. Most people would probably think he was perfectly happy, wouldn't they?

 

He turns around in his chair to confront John, "Hello, I'm right here. I can-"

 

But they are sitting on the far side of the room, way out of earshot. Rodney twiddles his thumbs and turns back to himself speaking softly, "I can hear you… Huh."

 

Then he walks over, to confront them in earnest. "For your information" Rodney speaks pointing his finger at Ronon, "I'm exactly the same weight I've been since I got here."

 

Then he turns his finger to John thinking about how John already knows this, "I need to eat regularly, otherwise I become hypoglycemic. And," Rodney continues with a glare, "I am generally a very happy person."

 

John has the good sense to look guilty. An intercom saves him, telling the whole team to report to the control room. Rodney is not done with him; John will be getting quite an earful later.

 

When the team gets back from the mission it is clear that Rodney really is displaying some kind of mutation. Singlehandedly, he disarmed all the Wraith just by 'thinking' the weapons out of their hands.

 

Once they are all in the infirmary, Elizabeth asks in concern, "Have there been any other instances of this power manifesting itself?"

 

"Powers. Plural." Rodney preens.

 

"What else can you do besides telekinesis?" Elizabeth asks.

 

"Well super-hearing for one," Rodney recounts, "and I'm not sure, but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with, but, um, recently I've been having some ideas that I don't think even I would've thought of before."

 

"Does super-ego count as a power?" John wonders out loud.

 

Someone brings a plate of food in from the cafeteria and Rodney digs in with relish.

 

"He can also be dealing with a super-appetite, although it's hard to tell because he ate so much before." John adds.

 

"Very funny." Rodney doesn't bother looking up from his plate.

 

He feels gleeful when Carson verifies that his brain synaptic activity has accelerated beyond normal human levels. Digging in for another bite, he beams at John, "Seriously, me a super-hero, who would have thought it?"

 

Soon Rodney develops another new power -the ability to read minds. He can feel his mental genius soaring to new heights. Now he sees things about the universe he never dreamed possible.

 

One of the first ways he decides to put his new powers to use is to make sweeping adjustments to the city's power distribution and increase its efficiency. It is such an elegant plan for minimizing power usage, he can't believe he didn't see it before.

 

Ever shortsighted, Zelenka comes in to scold him for the power disruptions his work is causing citywide. Rodney wins the argument and Zelenka ends up storming out of the room swearing in Czech.

 

"He tries to hide it but deep down, I'm the wind beneath his wings." Rodney rotates the control chair and smiles to those remaining in the room.

 

John and Elizabeth walk in and Rodney tells them, "You can all relax, I'll have us back online in 2 minutes."

 

"We need to talk to you." Elizabeth begins.

 

Reading their minds Rodney panics, "What do you mean I'm going to die?" He sits up from the chair and disconnects from the power, "I'm not even sick! I feel great, never better!"

 

John starts, "That ancient device-"

 

Rodney cuts him off, "Has accelerated my evolution." He looks to Elizabeth reading her mind and continuing, "Eventually I'll reach a point where I'm capable of Ascension, but Ascension takes more than that, there's a mental component.

 

I need to know how to make it happen… which I don't... Yet! I'm getting smarter by the minute. It's a pretty good assumption I'll be able to figure it out on the way. Okay, so it's not as easy as that."

 

He continues having the conversation entirely on his own, "Well, even if I don't, so I stay a highly-evolved human. I mean, I don't have to Ascend. It's a choice, right?

 

No? What do you mean, no? Oh, that stupid Ancient device doesn't work properly, does it? It's set in motion a series of genetic mutations that will result in my death if I don't Ascend."

 

"There is something easier about this." John tells Elizabeth.

 

"That's why the Ancients didn't put it into common use." Rodney complains, "It's just one more in a long line of abysmal, over ambitious failures! Oh God. I'm a dead man."

 

One of the technicians interjects to remind Rodney that he has not finished reconfiguring the power. He tells her it will be okay and he’ll get to it in a moment.

 

"Okay," Rodney reasons out loud, "there's still time left, right? So, maybe there's a way to reverse the process. “Zelenka! Where's Zelenka? What the Hell has he been doing?"

 

The technician alerts Rodney to massive power surges in the grid and he folds back into the chair, "Damn it."

 

When he finishes the interface, Rodney finds out that the temporary instabilities he created in the power grid caused Zelenka to be hit with an arc of electricity. He races to the infirmary and sees Carson about to apply the paddles to Zelenka's charred chest.

 

In horror, Rodney calls out Zelenka's first name, "Radek!" He tells the medical staff to move.

 

"Rodney, the man is dying!" Carson protests.

 

"I know, just give me a second. I know." He places his hands on Zelenka's scorched torso and the wound disappears.

 

Zelenka is breathing again and sits up. Rodney shakes his head in and leaves the room.

 

He should have known from the beginning this was too good to be true. Nothing this great could ever happen to him. It never does.

 

Even though Elizabeth thinks it's possible for him to Ascend and retake human form, Rodney doesn't believe in all that spiritual mumbo-jumbo.

 

No, the best thing to do with his remaining time is put his skills to use for scientific contribution. He is able to work at an amazing speed on numerous projects to improve Atlantis; a way to increase shield strength on the Daedalus, a hyperdrive model for a Puddlejumper, he even invents a new form of math.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Ever since John realized that Rodney can read minds, he has been doing his best to avoid him. He makes it through the day without incident and heads to his own quarters that evening as he tries to collect his thoughts and roiling emotions.

 

He is terrified that Rodney might die. But in his heart he believes that they will figure a way out of this. Well, probably _Rodney_ will figure a way out of this. He always does.

 

But what he is really terrified of right now is that Rodney will discover everything John feels for him. John isn't ready to face it himself; the last thing he wants is for Rodney to start vocalizing all his personal and intimate thoughts to a room full of people. No, he can't face Rodney, not yet.

 

The next day, when Elizabeth asks John to help Rodney meditate, he tries to set aside his inner turmoil. He has Teyla bring an assortment of candles from her room and set up a relaxing atmosphere in his quarters. John sets the monitor for the neural interface.

 

He is nervous when Rodney arrives and the first thing he blurts out is, "So, Elizabeth tells me you can't read minds anymore?"

 

"I can block the thoughts," Rodney shrugs, "It was becoming too overwhelming. Why, what are you hiding?"

 

Fear seizes John before he can hide it from his face; he tries to sound unaffected, "Nothing."

 

"Calm down, Colonel," Rodney eyes the monitor, "I won't pry."

 

John is relieved, but still uncomfortable. He walks over to the interface and types some commands into the computer.

 

Rodney sits on the floor and places the band around his head.

 

As he sits back on the cabinet looking at the computer screen, John tells him, "I don't think this is gonna work with you hooked up to the machine."

 

"How else am I going to know if it's working at all?" Rodney whines, "Look, you're teaching me how to meditate. Not exactly good odds there to start with."

 

"I realize that." John's voice is heavy with sarcasm. He changes his tone to be more frank, "Truth is, I was never really very good at this myself."

 

"So why am I here?" Rodney asks.

 

"Elizabeth made me." John fiddles with the computer.

 

"Oh." Rodney is understanding, "Yeah. Me, too."

 

"I was with those Ancients for 6 months. Maybe I picked up something that might be able to help you." John pauses for a minute, not buying it himself. "Yeah." He stands up, "The first thing I think you need to come to terms with is that this is not a means to an end."

 

"What?" Rodney blinks up at him, "Well, of course it is."

 

"No, no, no." John corrects him, "You can't do that. You can't think 'I'm going to Ascend and then retake human form and be done with it all."

 

"That is exactly what I'm trying to do." Rodney waves his hand dismissively, "Look from what I understand, dishonesty isn't gonna help the process."

 

"Good point." John nods.

 

Rodney complains that he is uncomfortable sitting cross-legged and John tells him shift into a position that works for him. He lays flat on the floor and John sits on the bed behind him.

 

"Now," John tries to sound wise, "I want you to become aware of your breaths… going in and out of your body."

 

"In and out." Rodney repeats slowly.

 

"Do it without talking." John instructs.

 

"Oh, right." Rodney opens up his bright blue eyes and looks up at John.

 

In that moment, Rodney looks so beautiful and John is grateful that he isn't reading his mind or realizing how much John wants him.

 

"Now" John tries to sound relaxed, "I want you to think about the things that you worry about the most."

 

"You mean like death?" Rodney says in alarm.

 

"There's no talking," he reminds him. John doesn't want to think about Rodney dying either, "Think of anything that makes you anxious."

 

"Oh, God, there's so many things." Rodney's worried eyes stay open.

 

Leaning up onto his shoulder, Rodney looks at John in dread, "Not talking happens to be one of them, by the way."

 

"Deal with it." he says in a strong voice. Rodney obeys and lies back down. John tries to get him back on track and begins again.

 

"Now. Imagine yourself on a Ferris wheel."

 

"What?" Rodney squawks.

 

"Look I told you," John says defensively, "I didn't pay much attention to what the Ancients were teaching me. I like Ferris wheels, so that's what I thought about… and the fact that the woman teaching me to meditate was… very attractive."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney is irritated; he hates it when John throws his sexual liaisons in his face -of which there seem to be many.

 

Meanwhile Rodney hasn't been with anyone since… since John.

 

"Why am I not surprised you didn't Ascend, huh?" He sits up. He is so done with this whole thing.

 

"Okay look, I'm a busy man, you're a busy man. We're both busy  _men_." The last thing he wants to think about now is one of John's lovers.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John immediately regrets saying it. God, why had he brought that up? Why is he always making a point about being attracted to women in front of Rodney?

 

"Just relax, all right?" He tries to soothe Rodney into lying back down, "I'm gonna try to remember what the woman taught me."

 

"All right." Rodney slouches back in defeat.

 

When Rodney is lying flat again John speaks, "Now, there's a dark storm swirling in your head."

 

"How is that comforting?" Rodney looks at him suspiciously.

 

Impatiently, John tells him, "I'm getting there."

 

Rodney tries to get back up because he has an idea about Chaos Theory that he wants to write down, but John compels him to stay and keeps talking. _'Damn it Rodney you can't die, take this seriously.'_

 

"Now the sky is clearing." John continues, "All your troubles are fading away."

 

"Bright blue sky… I am there." Rodney whispers, smiling with his eyes closed.

 

He looks so beautiful right now. John watches Rodney’s relaxed face, longing to reach out and touch him. Wishing he hold him again… But he pushes the urge away, he shouldn’t be thinking like this when Rodney needs his help. He shouldn’t be thinking like this at all.

 

After a moment the machine beeps and Rodney asks John, "How am I doing?"

 

"Don't think that way." John warns him.

 

"Oh forget it." Rodney rolls up off the floor in frustration, "Look, this is never going to work."

 

"What's wrong now?" John asks.

 

"I just realized why light behaves as both particles and waves."

 

"Rodney" John pleads, "if you don't try to do this-"

 

"I know!" Rodney snaps on his way out of door, "I don't have much time left."

 

John's stomach lurches, just over a week, that's what time Rodney has left. He clasps his hands together, turning them over each other as Rodney leaves the room. It hits John hard -the reality that he is going to lose him.

 

His life without Rodney is something he can't bear to imagine. Rodney has become everything to him. John looks up at the lonely Johnny Cash poster above his bed and then buries his face in his hands.

 

No. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

 

The two of them were supposed to keep spending time together. One of those evenings when John was spending the night in Rodney's room, he was going to get up the courage to tell Rodney that he loves him.

 

The thought comes unbidden, never conscious before now. A ripple of fear runs through him.

 

_He is in love with Rodney._

How long has this been true? He loves Rodney more than he has ever loved anyone, more than Nancy…. even more than Lyle.

 

His head sags between his legs, relieved to admit it, but equally disgusted with himself. Maybe what his father said is true. The word rings in his ears, _'faggot'_.

 

Men aren't supposed to love other men this way.

 

When the two of them had been together three years ago, John had thought they felt good together, he’d never been so attracted to anyone before.

 

But then he’d realized how upset Rodney was, it seemed like he didn’t really want it and that it was hurting him somehow. Maybe Rodney had been disgusted with the whole thing and regretted it afterwards, maybe feeling the kind of shame that John always has when he’s acted on his urges to be with another man.

 

All of this is wrong. He’s tried to fight it, but he only wants Rodney more after all this time. John has come to know Rodney so well, all of his various moods and irritating habits, and he only loves him more for it.

 

God. He loves him. What the fuck is wrong with him? Can he only admit to having feelings when someone is about to die, when he doesn't have to risk anything or try to have a relationship?

 

And what kind of relationship could he have even have offered Rodney? Not much of anything with John being military. He supposes he could have considered resigning but this is the only life he's ever known. Would he leave Pegasus, his home in Atlantis? Would Rodney have left with him?

 

None of it matters now. That future is over. That future could never have been anyway. And he shouldn't want it.

 

 

In anguish, John curls on his bed imagining that Rodney is still in the room, that John is holding him in his arms.

 

He whispers to the ghost, "Rodney." It is a plea to take all this shame and self-loathing away, to redeem him from the prison of his heart, to forgive him for his failure. But he is alone.

 

He is always alone in the end.

 

For the rest of the week, John stays as close to Rodney as he can. Rodney is constantly busy; he barely even sleeps. So, John has taken up camp in Rodney's room, bringing him extra food and snacks and tending to him however he can. It is the only time he really gets a chance to see him.

 

Rodney scarcely takes note of John on the couch. He buries himself into whatever project he is working on and then collapses in exhaustion for a short nap on his bed. If Rodney were still reading minds, he would hear John screaming in agony inside. But as it is, he barely seems to notice John is there.

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 3, episode 14 "Tao of Rodney"  
> .


	10. I've loved you for some time now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _“I've loved you for some time now... and I always will."_  
> .

.  
.

 

Rodney paces in frustration, stewing over his recent conversation with Elizabeth. She keeps interrupting his important projects, the only things keeping him from freaking out about his impending demise. She just won't stop pestering him about trying to Ascend. What had she said he needed to do to 'release his burden'? Shed himself of guilt, of anger, of ill-feeling... Oh yeah, and shame.

 

_'Shame'_. Rodney feels cold inside. He thinks of Alex, if only it were that easy.

 

Rodney hates himself; he doesn't feel worthy of anything. And the amount of shame he feels is blinding. It is easier to distract himself by working out scientific problems in his mind, rather than face the pain and loneliness that has only grown more acute with the impending certainty of his death.

 

It is too late to fix the worst of his own problems but maybe he can do something small for the people in his life. He still has a few days, maybe Elizabeth is right, maybe he should spend them differently.

 

Remembering that Carson has a thing for a vintage game called 'Operation', Rodney constructs a whimsical but detailed model of the anatomical game.

 

Except for the head, all the bones and organs are represented in his 3-dimensional model; they are wedged inside each other like a complex puzzle. If unraveled in the right way, a pair of tiny tweezers can pull them all out. If not done carefully, the conductive metal around the edges makes a loud buzzing sound.

 

The image around the body and the likeness of the face are similar to the original game; only they represent an illustrated version of Carson. Even the haircut is reminiscent of his friend.

 

On the back of the box, Rodney inscribes it. _'Carson Beckett… The best doctor in two galaxies and the best friend I ever had.'_

 

When Carson sees the gift he gets quite emotional; he clutches Rodney to his chest, telling him they will find a way to beat this thing and not to give up yet.

 

"I'm not going to give up on my best friend and you can't either." Carson sniffs.

 

Rodney pats him on the back, "Yeah, yeah I know. But do you like it?"

 

Carson releases him and returns his attention to the gift, "Like it? I bloody love it. It's the best present anyone's-" his voice clenches and Carson sounds like he is trying not to cry.

 

Collecting himself, Carson tells Rodney resolutely, "The two of us… We're going to be playing a lot of this game, you'll see."

 

"You'll have a chance to do the real thing once I'm dead." Rodney answers dryly.

 

"Rodney!"

 

"Sorry, dying man humor. Seriously though, humor me, okay? I want you to do an autopsy."

 

"Rodney! I will do no such thi-"

 

"Please! As my final request, just, you know, IF, if I happen to die. I'd like my body to be dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge."

 

Sighing heavily, Carson tells him he will honor the request, should such an event eventually occur. Then he requests that Rodney help him enjoy his new present. The seriousness of the situation falls away and they begin to laugh and talk as they usually would.

 

After playing a couple rounds of the game with Carson, Rodney seeks out Zelenka and makes a heartfelt apology. Then, Rodney brings Teyla a memorial tea service that he has prepared, in honor of the anniversary of her father's death. Teyla is touched that he has taken the time to learn the traditional Athosian ceremony.

 

It takes a while, but Rodney finally finds Ronon; he has to literally stand in his way to get the big guy to listen to him.

 

"Look I don't know how much time I have left, so I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, ask you a rather personal question. Hopefully you won't just hit me in the face."

 

Ronon raises an eyebrow in amusement and Rodney continues, "Asking away. Those... scars on your back from your encounters with the Wraith, you know, with the tracking device?"

 

He nods and Rodney asks, "Are those, like, a badge of honor for you, or are they just a constant reminder of something you'd rather forget? I mean, I know it's none of my business. I just..."

 

"I try not to let things I can't change bother me." Ronon answers in a solemn voice.

 

"That's very healthy." Rodney is shocked by the profundity of the words, wishing he could do the same.

 

Looking around nervously, Rodney lurches forward, grabbing Ronon in a tight hug. It is awkward and Ronon pats Rodney on the back more than once trying to give him the signal to let go.

 

Finally, Rodney releases him and steps away, "I hope you don't mind. I just healed them."

 

Ronon looks astonished but pleased as Rodney leaves to deliver his last gift. It is a 500 page biography he has written about Elizabeth's life and unsung victories as the leader of the expedition. With his enhanced brainpower he was able to compose the book in a single afternoon. If only he could have been this productive before dying.

 

.

.

 

When he returns to his quarters, John is there reading his War & Peace novel. John has been with him every night these last weeks and Rodney really appreciates that he has helped him feel less alone.

 

Used to Rodney's random comings and goings, John doesn't look up.

 

Taking off his shoes and getting more comfortable, Rodney walks over to the couch and sits next him. John looks up with a questioning and sad expression.

 

Trying to be playful, Rodney pushes his legs out so that John has to take them on his lap.

 

That gets a smile.

 

"So I've stopped working on my scientific contributions. I had a talk with Elizabeth and she convinced me to. Well, I don't know what she convinced me of." Rodney sighs. "She told me that most people are held back from Ascending by believing that they are unworthy."

 

Laughing at John's raised eyebrows, Rodney continues, "I know. Me? Unworthy? The thing is I didn't imagine she would know me well enough to say some of the things she did."

 

"Like what?" John asks.

 

"Well, for one she said I was probably using my intelligence to overcompensate for other things I thought I lacked. She hinted that I was hiding from an inner shame, -am I really that transparent?"

 

"No, I don't think so Rodney…" John answers softly, "You talk a lot but I don't think there is anything obvious about you."

 

Then John's tone becomes more playful, "You're an enigma."

 

"But not to you?" Rodney cocks his head.

 

"Even to me, Rodney." John sighs.

 

Rodney is silent for a moment and then serious, "I feel a lot of shame. I, I do hate myself too much, you know, to be capable of Ascension. Not that I'm eating my unhappiness despite what some people may say."

 

He takes the time to glare at John. "But I am unhappy with myself - I don't think I deserve to be happy."

 

"Are you really that unhappy, Rodney?" John's eyes look mournful.

 

"Yes, John," Rodney is exasperated because John should already know this, "I'm terribly, terribly unhappy. Is that what you want to hear? I’m only good as a scientist; I am worthless as a human being.

 

As I told Zelenka, I supplement my own anxieties or feelings of inadequacy by creating a bubble of hostility around myself and the rest of the world."

 

"You told that to Zelenka?" John seems stunned.

 

"Oh. Yes." Rodney says impatiently, "I apologized to him, because unlike me, he really is a decent human being."

 

John folds his arms protectively over Rodney's feet, "What happened to working through your fears, not believing your worst fears about yourself."

 

"Well that kind of thing takes time, time I don't have anymore." Rodney explains, "Plus my fears are true, that's why it would take time to change those things about myself.

 

-Your fears are different though," he reassures John, not wanting to invalidate the previous conversation they had about this. "Yours really are totally false."

 

"I have a bubble too, Rodney." John rolls his eyes.

 

"You don't have a bubble," Rodney snorts, "you have castle walls, armored, with artillery. I bet there are some fortifications you don't even let _yourself_ into."

 

"Is this your way of telling me again that I don't have a heart?" John's eyes look shut down.

 

"No-no-no. I don't mean that!" Rodney starts, "I was just thinking that, or I've thought about this before… and I think that you have a lot of chambers but there is an amazing garden all around your castle. And even in the inner courtyard. It's really quite pleasant."

 

"Pleasant." John sounds wooden.

 

"Okay, charming". Rodney continues, "People like you and care about you, even if you do hold them at arm's length. I'm not likeable at all, people can barely tolerate me."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John thinks for a second, "Your bubble isn't that hard to get through, you just have to come prepared for some stray arrows. I like you Rodney." He squeezes Rodney's feet and pauses, wanting to say more.

 

_'I love you Rodney.'_ He opens his mouth to try to say it, but Rodney is talking again.

 

"But that's the point of the Ascension thing, I have to be okay with myself." Rodney pulls his legs back into himself and leans forward with anticipation looking at John, "Do you think it is even worth trying again?"

 

"Yes!" John answers trying not to think of what is probably coming, that he will lose Rodney. Anything is worth trying if there is even a remote chance they could stop this.

 

"Look" John tells him, "I still have all the equipment in my room, we could just go back there-"

 

"Right, let's go." Rodney gets up off the couch to find his shoes.

 

Getting off the couch, John tells himself that this is no time for personal revelations; Rodney's life is on the line and he can't let himself get sucked into negative thinking that this is his last chance.

 

Once they get back to John's room, he lights the candles and dims the shades. Rodney looks over the equipment and puts the monitor strap on his head.

 

This time when Rodney lays on the ground, John joins him nearby, sitting with his back against the bed. He wants to reach over and touch Rodney for reassurance but he steadies himself and places the computer on his lap. Rodney needs a friend right now, that's all.

 

Rodney makes it almost 30 minutes before he asks John, "What's it down to?"

 

"It's not important." John answers.

 

"What?" Rodney rasps and rolls over toward John. He leans on his arm so he can look over John's lap, "Of course it is. It's got to… What? 17 hertz? It's not even close!"

 

"It's closer than you've ever been." John tries to calm Rodney back down.

 

"Forget it." Rodney whips off the head monitor.

 

He is not going to let Rodney give up, John lifts his hands in frustration, "Look if you have to keep asking, you're obviously not getting it. This is about letting go."

 

Sitting up with his shoulders hunched in defeat, Rodney tells him sadly, "I don't know how to do that okay? I'm me. I don't know how not to be me."

 

It isn't fair that Rodney is going through this. John pushes his lips together and furrows his brows, wishing they could trade places.

 

Despite his efforts, Rodney seems to feel completely alone and John is failing him. Just like he's failed everyone that's mattered to him. His head hangs in defeat. He is failing the person who matters the most, the person he loves more than anything in this world.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney's voice cracks, "Look, thank you for all of your help." He realizes how much he has been completely relying on John, maybe taking him for granted. John has been there for him in every way and Rodney didn’t even do anything special as a goodbye for him.

 

Maybe that's because he felt like things have been so good between them and he didn't have any past misdeeds to make up for.

 

He would know if there was something unfinished between he and John wouldn't he? Rodney thinks he would sense it, but he can't be sure.

 

"I think, in the grand scheme of things, we're... " Rodney looks up at John with emotional and watery eyes, "We're good, aren't we?"

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

_'Good', Rodney? After everything, we're just, 'good'?_

 

John's lips and brow are furrowed in a desperate attempt to keep his own emotions from spilling over. His face falters. But this is what Rodney wants, not a declaration of his undying love. Just, 'good'.

 

He reaches into himself to find a casual grin, "Of course." He smiles lazily but his eyes are filled with the warmth in his heart.

 

"Right." Rodney looks relieved.

 

It feels like he can't hold this back anymore, he has to tell Rodney. NOW.

 

But before he can confess, Rodney is talking again, "Look, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to read my eulogy."

 

This is too much. John points his finger at Rodney raising his voice, "I refuse to discuss that." He moves up to the bed and begins unwinding the electrical cords so Rodney can’t see how afraid he is.

 

"Just keep it simple." Rodney says as he stands up, "Make up a few nice things. I'd like my little sister to be there. And, oh, you should know that I told Beckett that he should most definitely do a full autopsy."

 

When John finally looks up at Rodney, his eyes are dark with emotion that he can’t hide.

 

Oblivious, Rodney continues, "He can use my body for any kind of experimentation that might prove helpful, and…"

 

John looks away and throws a cord to the side of the bed, inside his mind he is screaming. _'Please stop, Rodney. Don't do this. I love you and I can't let you go.'_

Unaware of his pain, Rodney continues, "Oh, and I'd like to be cremated with my ashes to be, ah"

 

He isn't going to let this continue, John doesn't know what he is going to say, but he knows he is going to take Rodney in his arms and never let go.

 

Rodney is still talking but John steps forward to put an end to this, he walks in close, and interrupts, "Rodney…"

 

But just as he is close enough to take him in his arms, Rodney suddenly hunches over grasping at his temples. He makes a noise of pain and falls forward.

 

"Rodney!" John catches him and steers them both to the bed where Rodney gasps and holds his head doubled over in agony.

 

What if this is it? John panics as Rodney spasms in pain. He holds him strong to keep him from falling off the bed. Then Rodney lets out a sharp cry and goes limp.

 

With one hand firmly holding Rodney's shoulder, he reaches down to take his pulse with the other. John exhales in relief; he is still alive. He radios the infirmary and then wonders if he has just lost his last chance to be alone with Rodney. In less than a minute there will be a medical team in his quarters with a gurney.

 

"Oh Rodney." John collapses onto the bed and pulls Rodney's unconscious form into him holding him tenderly and softly petting the side of his beautiful face; he looks so pale, “Please don’t leave me yet.”

 

"I'm here,” John chokes up as the tears leak from his eyes, “I'm right here."

 

He swallows hard; he cannot be losing control of his emotions now, not with a medical team on the way. But the thought that he has lost Rodney without ever telling him how much he loves him is the worst pain he’s ever felt.

 

Oh, God. Maybe he can still try, maybe there is some part of Rodney that can still hear him. He has to try. It could be his only chance.

 

"I was going to tell you earlier but I'm not good…" It’s hard to speak through the tears.

 

"I love you Rodney.” John’s voice cracks and he shakes with a stifled sob, “I can't say goodbye… I could never say goodbye to you but…”

 

Catching his staggered breath John wipes away the wetness that has spilled onto Rodney’s cheek, “I can tell you that I love you… that I've loved you for some time now." His face contorts in grief, "And I always will."

 

"Just know that." John sinks his head down onto Rodney’s chest, hugging him as tight as he can, “Please know that. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before it was too late.”

 

John is completely losing control now. He has to pull himself together. He sits up and leans his head into his hands, wiping away the evidence of his breakdown.

 

Thinking he hears a noise, John lurches from the bed and then collapses against the side of it. He doesn’t think he can manage to stand back up now, but at least it is a less questionable position for them to find him in than if he were still holding Rodney on the bed.

 

He has to seem composed by the time the medical team gets here. _Focus, John._ He fights to regain emotional control and his face goes blank.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during season 3, episode 14 "Tao of Rodney"  
> .


	11. Paper ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John tries to plan it out... the right way to convince Rodney just how much he really loves him. It feels like he's been given a second chance to win Rodney's heart and he can't lose him again._  
> .

.  
.

 

When the med team arrives, John backs away from Rodney, afraid that they may see something in him, guess at what he is feeling. He trails behind the gurney from a safe distance hoping no one will notice his puffy eyes.

 

When other people begin to arrive in the infirmary, John stays in the background by the foot of the bed.

 

Even when Rodney regains consciousness, John holds back, terrified that something in his voice or expression will give him away. Carson confirms that Rodney is close to death.

 

"There must be something we can do" John speaks up in a hoarse whisper.

 

Rodney is conscious again and tells John, "It's okay. You know, I'm actually feeling a sense of peace, interspersed with moments of sheer terror, of course."

 

"Rodney, as far as this Ascension thing" John's voice cracks a little, "I know you didn't have much success, but at this point, what do you got to lose?"

 

"May as well go out fighting, huh?" Rodney jokes.

 

"Absolutely." John smiles to hide his grief.

 

Agreeing to be hooked up to the monitor again and give it another try, Rodney stares up at the ceiling as if he is peering beyond it to something far away, "Clear blue skies."

 

John clenches his jaw and the muscles in his cheek spasm as he tries to stop the ball in his throat from rising. His eyes are already red, as anyone who looked closely could see.

 

"All my troubles just drifting away." Rodney continues talking.

 

John squints his eyes and tries not to betray himself. He wants to tell Rodney to be quiet but he doesn't trust his voice.

 

It feels like Rodney is answering his thought when he speaks, sounding breathless as if half asleep. "Okay, stop talking now."

 

_'Dammit John, get ahold of yourself, there’s no crying in the military.'_

"Rodney, you're a good person, know that we love you." Elizabeth tells him.

 

"You love me?" Rodney smiles deliriously, "Really?... All of you?"

 

Obviously, Rodney is not using his ability to read minds or he would know.

 

Suddenly, the thought strikes a chill in John, the idea that he could somehow be exposed for what he is to everyone here.

 

No one has answered Rodney's question yet and John wants to say something reassuring, without betraying the truth to everyone in the room, "In the way… a friend, feels about another friend.”

 

"You're just saying that because I'm gonna die." Rodney murmurs.

 

Doesn't Rodney even know how much John loves him as a friend? Has he ever really said anything to make it clear? Rodney has such low self-esteem, he should have said more.

 

All Rodney thought, was that he and John were 'good'. What the hell did that even mean to him? Not much apparently. John feels like his soul is dying. Everything that matters is to him dying with Rodney.

 

"Oh, God. I can't believe I'm gonna die." Rodney sounds distressed.

 

"All right." John cuts off the train of thought, "Just back to the blue skies. Let your thoughts go. Concentrate on your breathing."

 

He feels so helpless standing at the end of the bed, his agony unbearable. This is so much worse than losing Lyle. At least Lyle knew what he meant to John.

 

As Rodney slips into unconsciousness, Carson exclaims in sadness, "Oh, my God."

 

Then Rodney suddenly sits up, gripping Carson's jacket and staring into his eyes before collapsing and flat-lining.

 

Carson tells them Rodney has stopped breathing and they need a ventilator.

 

Elizabeth stops him, "Carson, he gave us strict orders-"

 

"You don't understand." Carson explains, "He just told me how to save him."

 

John helps push the gurney as they take Rodney's body back to the Ancient lab.

 

Ronon carries Rodney's smaller frame back onto the Ascension machine and Zelenka does something that causes a green snakey light to coil around his lifeless form.

 

He is moving again and John runs to him crouching down in awe.

 

Rodney sits up and exclaims, "It worked!"

 

"Did it?" Carson asks uncertainly.

 

"Well, I'm alive aren't I?" Rodney is sarcastic.

 

"Sounds like him." John smiles and his heart is surging.

 

Rodney says he has no superpowers to speak of and he still feels smart, "Yes! Yes, I'm me! I'm my old self!"

 

John stares at Rodney with amazement. He looks disheveled from his ordeal, rumpled in his hospital gown but John thinks he is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. His heart swells with love.

 

"Are you certain?" Carson is asking.

 

"Yeah, I'm alive!" Rodney beams, "I feel great! I feel, uh… um, hungry?"

 

"He's fine." John grins at Carson.

 

Giddy, John can't believe he has a second chance. He barely listens to Rodney's detailed explanation of how he was able to get around the irreversible process of genetic manipulation.

 

Instead he is planning out how he is going to tell Rodney. He'll do it tonight, over a private dinner. He is imagining the right words he'll need to express just how deeply he loves Rodney, to make him understand… something that might convince Rodney to be with him again.

 

John has never been great talking about his emotions but this experience has opened the floodgates. He knows he can't hold back anymore, that it will all just come rushing out, even if it isn't perfect. For some reason he thinks it will be okay anyway, that Rodney might still feel something for John too, even if just a little bit.

 

Ronon speaks up, sharing John's sentiments about all the techno babble, "I don't understand what any of you are talking about."

 

He watches in surprise as Ronon walks up to Rodney, putting his hands on Rodney's shoulders affectionately and pulling him close.

 

Looking fiercely happy, Ronon grips Rodney with warmth, "It's good to have you back, buddy."

 

Then Ronon gives Rodney a deep and sincere hug, clasping his back tightly. Rodney seems as shocked by this as John is. His arms flail a bit before Ronon grunts in satisfaction and releases him with a fond double slap on the back.

 

"Yes, well, it's good to be back." Rodney fidgets.

 

Ronon clasps Rodney once more on the shoulders, looking at everyone in the room with joy, as if to say _'Can you believe we almost lost this guy'?_

 

John envies Ronon his ability to express himself and remembers with shame how he had not only been unable to tell Rodney he loved him, but had essentially denied the fact while Rodney lay dying.

 

He hates himself for his fear and resolves to make it up to Rodney, setting things straight, starting tonight. Rodney agrees to an early dinner and John plans to get everything he knows Rodney likes, including the blue Jell-O.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney has some time to himself before John comes over and he spends it mulling over some of the emotional realizations this near death experience have imparted to him. Toward the end of his reverie he finds his thoughts falling to John.

 

He feels a new kind of closure around the feelings he has for him. They are intense for sure, but they haven't been reciprocated and that has hurt. Rodney had mostly resigned himself to it, but being as close as he has been with John lately, sometimes he has fooled himself into thinking that something more could develop in time. He knows now that was never really within the realm of possibility.

 

John has just told him that he loves Rodney in the way a friend loves another friend. And even if John ever did feel more for Rodney than that… Well, John's most important romantic relationship in the past had been entirely platonic -clearly because John couldn't handle having sexual feelings for a guy.

 

That level of repression goes way beyond anything that can be blamed on the military. As far as John's actual sexual history with men, it seems limited to a handful of one night stands -and then whatever the hell he'd had with Rodney.

 

He will always love John, but it is best to remember that for John, that is love based in friendship -no matter how deeply Rodney loves him. And he doesn't want to risk losing John or feeling foolish, rejected, and unwanted again.

 

Whatever they have now is great; it means the world to Rodney. But it's not like Rodney can kid himself that it is a relationship. And really, a relationship is what Rodney wants. It would be nice to find someone to actually be with, preferably a woman. Maybe get married one day.

 

His relationships with men have always gotten so twisted and convoluted, anyway. Not that things had ever worked out with women either, but at least those relationships had been far less painful.

 

Rather than dwelling on what he cannot have with John, Rodney's thoughts fall back towards what he _does_ want. He is proud of himself for letting go. Internally, he feels less emotionally messy about things with John; he just accepts it for what it is and for what it isn't.

 

As if on cue, John comes in with the food, and it sure is a lot. Rodney smiles and helps him move it to his little table. With dinner comes some lighthearted chitchat. John keeps telling him how he is so glad that Rodney is alive. And Rodney agrees that he is pretty glad about it too.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John is buzzing with excitement, watching Rodney, and waiting for the right opening.

 

Leaning in cheerfully to John, Rodney stops eating for a moment, "I really think this experience has changed me… you know, for the better."

 

"Yeah?" John smiles warmly.

 

"Yeah." Rodney takes a bite and mumbles through it, "I mean, remember all that stuff we were talking about, how I didn't think I deserved to be happy?"

 

"Mmm-hmm" John chews with his mouth closed.

 

"Well, I think I can let it go." Rodney says brightly, "Not all of it, no right away, but I'm ready to be happy, you know."

 

Rodney's blue eyes are intent on him and John gets goose bumps, he gulps and stares back into Rodney's eyes.

 

"You are?" _Okay, this is the moment. Reach across the table, take his hand and tell him that you want to make him happy._

 

But Rodney's hands are up in the air, a flurry of activity, gesturing while he talks, "You know, I think it started when my sister came to visit. I was thinking about how happy she was with Kaleb, and what I've been missing out on by not having any kind of personal life.

 

I just hide in my work 'cause I'm bad with people and never take any emotional risks. But I'm going to try now; I'm going to put myself out there. I mean there is one person I can think of, who already knows me and actually kinda likes me."

 

John's breath hitches and he wonders if Rodney is going to make this easier for him than he thought it would be.

 

"There is?" John leans in.

 

"Yes." Rodney chirps merrily, "Katie Brown. I'm going to ask her back out and I'm going to make an effort this time."

 

"Oh." John's facial expression changes subtly and he pulls himself back.

 

"I just realized that I want to settle down with somebody, I want to get married and have a family, all that traditional domestic stuff."

 

"You do?" John physically feels his heart sink.

 

"Yes," Rodney goes on a little defensively, "is that so hard to imagine that someone would be interested in me that way?"

 

"No." John shakes his head wearily, "No, Rodney, it isn't."

 

Rodney seems appeased, "Well, good I just really wanted to tell you about it because you sort of helped me get to this place where I could let myself be happy, or at least try."

 

"I helped you?" John is confused, "How's that, Rodney?"

 

"Well, you know. Our talks and everything, helping me face my inner demons and see myself as I am. You've been a really good friend."

 

"Thanks, Rodney," John feels grateful for that and means it when he says, "you're a really good friend too. I should have said it to you more… How much you mean to me."

 

"You mean your friend feelings?" Rodney takes a teasing tone, "Oh, I always knew deep down you loved me."

 

John gives him a glare to hide his conflicting urges. Part of him wants to grab Rodney and tell him how deeply he's in love with him. But Rodney just made it clear that he doesn't want that from him. The other part of him wants to say something to downplay all the mushy stuff.

 

 

He decides to fall back into their typical banter, "Come on,  _Meredith_... I know you love me too, deep down in there somewhere."

 

Rodney gives him that annoyed face he makes whenever John uses his first name. And John is relieved he didn't say anything to ruin the mood or upset Rodney's newfound excitement about his domestic dreams of marriage.

 

To hide his anguish, John folds his hands over his mouth. Rodney once told him that his lips betray more of his feelings than his eyes do. And John's lips are pressed together in a grimace of pain that he doesn't want Rodney to see.

 

"What about you, John?" Rodney asks obliviously, "You ever going to stop Kirk-ing your way through the galaxy and settle down?"

 

The physical pain in John’s chest aches and deepens, but John lifts his head away from his hands with a dispassionate expression.

 

"Oh, you know me, Rodney…" John trails lazily, "I'm happy the way I am."

 

To make it believable, John smiles wider and takes a drink from his glass as if he doesn't have a care in the world. He sees a flicker of a frown on Rodney's face, followed by ready acceptance of John's statement.

 

"Well, as long as you're happy," Rodney says with encouragement, "you know what they say, follow your... happy, or something like that."

 

"I'm sure they do." John laughs shortly, "You know, I should probably get going, let you get some sleep after your ordeal."

 

Confused, Rodney looks to John's half eaten plate.

 

"I'm actually full and wanted to check out some stuff on the Jumpers before lights out." He explains.

 

Rodney stirs but John gestures for him to stay seated, "Stay. Keep eating, we both know you're hungry."

 

They share a smile and John grabs his tray on his way out, "'Night, Rodney."

 

"Night", Rodney mumbles through a mouthful.

 

The following day, John is unprepared when Rodney takes him aside to tell him the details of his talk with Katie; he tries to listen and be supportive. It’s nice to see Rodney so... excited. John had just hoped that he would be the one to make Rodney happy.

 

It seems ludicrous the more he thinks about it. Rodney wants to get married for Chrissake, not have a secret affair with a guy in the military -a guy Rodney knows is an emotional train wreck and doesn't know how to have a relationship. Of course Rodney would want a relationship. What sane person wouldn't.

 

There had been a time when Rodney had wanted him. He supposes Rodney had liked John better when he didn't know him so well. So John listens, offers support and encouragement. But Rodney keeps talking about Katie, every time they see each other; it's all he can talk about, the intimate blow by blow of their official second date together.

 

As time goes by, Rodney seems to be spending a lot more of his free time with Katie. Then after a couple weeks he and Rodney have an awkward talk. Rodney tells John that he totally doesn't mind if John still comes by, but just asks that it not be unannounced anymore.

 

It is the final resounding blow of defeat. John feels saddened beyond belief but he understands; it’s very reasonable. Rodney has gone above and beyond letting him crash there whenever he needed to. Rodney’s been great. And John will be… fine.

 

The weeks get worse for John, he knows he hasn't been himself and spends a lot of time at the gym attacking a punching bag. Rodney isn't around much, but John thinks he prefers it to hearing about Katie.

 

One night Ronon finds John in the gym late at night. He knows Ronon probably wonders why John has been so distant. But John can't talk about this with anyone. Ronon moves to stand behind the bag, holding it for him while John keeps punching.

 

"So, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with you." Ronon begins.

 

John feels guilty but keeps punching.

 

"You wanna talk about it?"

 

He stops for minute and holds Ronon's eyes, "Can't."

 

"Okay" Ronon doesn't seem to understand but accepts it.

 

Holding the bag silently as John punches, Ronon waits for John to tire himself out. Realizing Ronon is trying to show him that he is here for him, John feels a deep affection for the guy, even if he can't talk about this. But he just wants to go back to his room and listen to the Johnny Cash song he has set on repeat.

 

Ronon walks him to his quarters and tells him before he goes, "You need anything, I'm here.

 

John showers as fast as he can to get under the covers and put in his ear buds. The song isn't exactly perfect for his situation. He hasn't been done wrong by anyone, but it contains the kind of sorrow John feels. It is a cathartic release, a story about a man alone.

 

When John hears the song he just substitutes the word girl for guy. With a substitution or two, it could almost be a song about loving a man, especially when it refers to love being 'right or wrong'.

 

He already feels too much shame about himself and his own sexuality to feel guilty for the sacrilege he has committed against Johnny Cash by desecrating the lyrics. There is a verse in there where Johnny sings the word 'where', -but it almost sounds like he is saying 'queer'. Like Johnny has _HAD_ it with being queer.

 

The verse goes on about love being a small thing, a paper ring. It makes John think of Rodney with a solid wedding band on his finger. John is merely a paper substitute and Rodney, Rodney deserves better. So John will be what he is, a solitary man. He starts the song, closes his eyes and sighs.

 

_I've had it to here,_  
_being (queer)_  
_Love's a small word_  
_a part time thing_  
_a paper ring_  
_I know it's been done_  
_havin' one_  
_(guy) who'll love me_  
_Right or wrong_  
_Weak or strong_

_Don't know that I will_  
_but until I can find me_  
_the (guy) who'll stay_  
_and won't play_  
_games behind me_  
_I'll be what I am_  
_A solitary man_  
_A solitary man_

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, during/ after episode 14 "Tao of Rodney"  
> .


	12. I've got a plan, Rodney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John and Rodney find their complicated relationship being played out by two feuding societies who are engaged in real life war games._  
> .

.

.

When Rodney asks John to play their game, he jumps at the chance. He hasn't been seeing a lot of Rodney lately. But as they sit plotting at their respective screens, it doesn't feel the same as it used to. Probably because Rodney keeps talking about Katie so much.

 

Bantering competitively, they play for about an hour, but John's heart isn't really in it. He is more relieved than anything when Rodney leaves to go see his girlfriend.

 

This feeling in his chest, it is like something has been ripped out. And the heartbreak doesn't stop, it just keeps cracking deeper and wider. It used to be he had a shut-off valve, a way to turn off the feelings, but with Rodney it's impossible.

 

Even if he could, he doesn't know if he would turn it off. What he feels for Rodney is so big and vibrant, as long as Rodney is happy, it doesn't matter how John feels. He never deserved Rodney anyway; Rodney deserves so much better than him.

 

John has discovered that hitting stuff is good for heartache. He has been spending a lot of time at the gym, taking his aggression out on the punching bag.

 

As the weeks go on, Rodney continues to talk incessantly to anyone who will listen about what he and Katie are up to. John tries to feign interest, but it is some truly boring stuff.

 

Today, Rodney has been telling everyone at lunch about a 'fascinating' ethical dilemma he and Katie Brown had been discussing. Teyla and Ronon seem as sick of it as he is, so his irritation isn't drawing any unnecessary attention. When Rodney is called away to the control room, John finally gets a reprieve.

 

After he finishes eating, John heads to the gate room to see what's going on. His mouth hangs open in shock when Lorne's team shows them video footage of a village they have encountered; it features a flag with McKay's face on it.

 

_‘Holy Shit. That's Rodney's flag. The one from the game’._

With guilty, knowing eyes, John turns to look at Rodney. Rodney doesn't say anything, so John just bites his lip. Then he follows him into Elizabeth's office, figuring whatever this is, it might be his fault too.

 

"How the hell did your face get on that flag?" Elizabeth demands.

 

"I don't know." Rodney fumbles.

 

Elizabeth looks to John, since he is usually Rodney's partner in crime. But John turns to Rodney, avoiding eye contact with her.

 

"Here's the thing though," Rodney tells Elizabeth, "that flag's very similar to the one I designed in our game."

 

John can't hold his tongue anymore, "It's exactly like the one you designed in our game."

 

"What game?" Elizabeth asks.

 

"The game Rodney and I have been playing."

 

"Yeah, we didn't tell you about the game?" Rodney frowns in confusion.

 

"We've been playing for a while now." John adds.

 

"Yeah," Rodney's voice bubbles over John's, "off and on, in our spare time, you know, at night, between missions. I could have sworn we told you about it."

 

"What game?" Elizabeth repeats herself forcefully.

 

Rodney explains how he and John stumbled across a lab that seemed to feature a geological map. Elizabeth seems to recalls them saying something about that when they first arrived in Atlantis.

 

"Right. There you go we did tell you." Rodney smiles.

 

She looks angry at them and says they never said anything about a ‘game’.

 

"That's because at first we didn't know what it was." John jumps in.

 

They explain to Elizabeth how it turned out that the geological lab was actually a game room with fictional simulations of civilizations.

 

"The first thing Rodney did, besides renaming his country, is put his face all over the flag." John rolls his eyes, giving Elizabeth a look wry look and nodding his head dismissively in Rodney's direction.

 

She is unamused and levels her eyes at them both, "I think you need to check this planet out."

 

The two of them exit like they are leaving the principal's office. Suiting up with Ronon and Teyla, they head out to the Jumper.

 

.

.

 

On the ride there, Teyla asks, "So the Ancestors created this game?"

 

"Yes," Rodney gives a twisted smile, "but this is no ordinary game. I mean it is incredibly challenging, instructional… I mean the sheer number of options built into it? Staggering."

 

Teyla wants to know more, "How does one play it?"

 

"You've got to figure out the best way to run your country." John answers.

 

"Yeah, you build roads, you establish laws, mold it to your own specific ideology." Rodney adds.

 

"So, how do you win this game?" Ronon asks.

 

"It's not really about winning." John explains.

 

"It's more about whose society outshines the other's," Rodney muses, "I mean who creates a better infrastructure." Looking smugly at John, Rodney adds, "Who's better at trade."

 

John furrows his brow and gives Rodney a long glare.

 

"What?" Rodney's resolve weakens under the withering look, "Hey, don't start, I tried to negotiate with you."

 

"Making a list of demands and not giving anything in return is not negotiating." John answers with an acidic smile.

 

"I offered you an entire crop of beans." Rodney contends.

 

"I don't need beans." John tells him with growing resentment. "I need lumber."

 

"Oh right." Rodney is hostile, "To build defensive fortifications for your army."

 

Turning his head to the back of the Jumper, Rodney says, "Which he doubled in size by the way. Surprise, surprise."

 

"I did that after you started cheating." John complains.

 

Rodney is emphatic, "I did not cheat."

 

Commiserating with his friends in the back, John tells them, "He's giving his people way too much technology for their level of development."

 

Then turning back to Rodney he points out, "I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way."

 

"I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you." Rodney is defiant.

 

Ronon sounds like he is trying not to laugh, "Geldar?"

 

"It's the name of Rodney's country." John smirks, "He named it after a girl he stalked in college."

 

Glaring at John like he can't believe he’d bring that up, Rodney sounds livid. "I did not stalk her. We dated twice…” He becomes wistful, “Teresa Geldar, a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land… The kingdom of Geldar."

 

Once they land, John and the team enter a medieval styled village and meet a young woman, obviously their leader, who greets Rodney as the ‘oracle’. The entire village bows in reverence as she welcomes them to Geldar.

 

The leader Nola takes them on a tour explaining that Rodney, their oracle, is a wise omnipotent deity.

 

"Boy, is she in for a rude awakening." John scoffs.

 

Nola continues with her tale of how after thousands of years of silence the oracle resumed communication with their people.

 

Everywhere they walk John sees portraits of Rodney, "Enough with the pictures." he complains to Ronon.

 

When they are shown the portal through which the oracle communicates, John points to the map in recognition, smiling with pride at his side of the river. "This country here."

 

"Hallona." Nola looks displeased, "A persistent thorn in our side." She turns to Rodney, "Now that you've come to us, you can help us remove it."

 

John looks to Rodney in concern and Rodney looks back at him uneasily.

 

.

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* * *

 

.

.

 

Baden, the leader of Hallona, is brought in for a peace talk with Nola. Rodney thinks he looks likes Richard the Lionheart. "Figures." He mutters.

 

But the discussion soon dissolves into bickering; Rodney can't help himself from fuming over how John keeps increasing the size of Hallona's army.

 

"Yes," John answers in Baden's stead, "he has a capable army and some nice villages. No people riding bicycles or hot air balloons, because we weren't cheating."

 

"I didn't cheat." Rodney leans forward angrily.

 

"Have you come to agree to our trade proposals?" Nola asks Baden directly.

 

"You mean demands?" Baden growls, "Never."

 

Only Teyla's diplomacy is able to keep them all at the table as she deduces that these two villages co-existed in peace for thousands of years before their respective 'oracles' resumed communication with them.

 

Rodney gives John a halfhearted smile and notices that John looks guilty too. This really is all their doing, their fault. The two of them attempt to explain how the 'oracle' really works through technology. To prove it, they take both leaders to Atlantis to show them the controls on the other side.

 

Upon seeing the console, Nola looks at Rodney deeply sorrowful, "Our lives are just a game."

 

"Well, now, no." John interjects, "They're not games to you, and in our defense, we were trying to improve your lives."

 

"It's like he said," Rodney confers, "everything we did, every instruction we gave was to better conditions for your people.

 

"And if that meant cheating…" John jabs at him.

 

"Okay, you know, enough with that already." Rodney loses his patience again.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John takes Baden to a private area to discuss the situation further with him. It is time to set the petty competition aside. Baden doesn't seem as shaken by the news as Nola, but he believes that Atlantis should use its technology to attack Geldar. He reminds John that he was the one who encouraged him to increase Hallona’s military.

 

Trying to reason with him, John reminds him that it wasn't meant to be real, "In response to McKay… the other Oracle, doing things that I thought were-"

 

"Aggressive? Arrogant?" Baden asserts, "Demeaning to me and my people?"

 

"I will give you arrogant and demeaning, but, ah-"

 

John can’t say he’s ever really seen McKay be that aggressive. Well, except for that time he was under the influence of the Wraith enzyme and forced himself on John. Okay, not forced exactly. John had wanted it too. God, he’d really wanted it. But-

 

Baden interrupts his thoughts, "The people of Geldar have started digging a mine beneath our borders to exploit coal resources on our land!"

 

_'That sneaky bastard.'_  John leans forward. Rodney had him all distracted with the chitchat about Miss Katie. Meanwhile, he was stabbing Hallona in the back.

 

"Really?" John's eyes grow cold.

 

"It was only confirmed yesterday." Baden looks dejected, "This after several diplomatic attempts to reach a compromise.

 

"Yeah," John narrows his eyes, "We couldn't come to an agreement, but I didn't think he would start digging."

 

Baden looks at John reflectively, "I'm curious to know what response you would have given to such an incursion. I believe your next command would be to launch an attack on the mine, prevent them from digging further."

 

John screws up his face. Baden is right, he's a military man and his instinct is to fight.

 

He squints and presses his lips together.  _Damn it McKay._  But this isn't just about the game and John knows it. He’s angry because his heart is broken and these people have nothing to do with that. They shouldn’t be acting out John and Rodney's tit-for-tat in real life.

 

Elizabeth's attempt to negotiate a truce are equally unsuccessful and she demands that John and Rodney put their differences aside and find a way to stop this brewing war they have caused.

 

When nothing seems to dissuade the respective leaders from their hostilities, John comes up with a new plan. As soon as Rodney and Teyla are beamed aboard the Daedalus, John tells them he needs their help and to follow him.

 

Ronon and Teyla are on his heels, but Rodney is perplexed and stays put, "Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, what the hell's going on?

 

"Elizabeth diverted the Daedalus on its way back to Earth to check up on us." John answers.

 

Teyla explains, "Colonel Caldwell believed that the situation had deteriorated. He feared that we would become casualties of war and so beamed us out."

 

While striding back to where Rodney is standing, John continues, "Yeah, but I talked him into beaming us back. But we've gotta do something first."

 

He grabs onto Rodney's vest, pulling him in his direction, "So come on."

 

Oh. It feels good to grab onto Rodney like that.

 

He really should let go of Rodney now, but he likes making him move like this.

 

_'Bad, John.'_  He forces himself to release his grip.

 

"Well, do what?" Rodney follows on his own now.

 

"I've got a plan." John tells him.

 

"Oh," Rodney argues from behind, "what plan?"

 

"Oh, come on, already." John resists the urge to grab him again.

 

They intercept the satellites and fool the leaders by faking losses through the consoles. With a little help from some carefully placed weapons fire from the Daedalus, they make it look realistic without anybody getting hurt. After Nola and Baden have each had a taste of defeat from these fake doomsday scenarios, they are willing to give peace a chance.

 

Once they are beamed back aboard the Daedalus, John feels a pang of sadness as he realizes that that the game is actually over. He won’t have an excuse to spend as much time with Rodney. It is like the end of an era has drawn to a close. It was one thing he and Rodney still shared from the past. Something they shared that…

 

Well, sometimes when they were playing, it made John feel like they were back in time. Back to when things between them felt different, almost flirtatious in the way they would banter. And now it is gone.

 

Now that Rodney is with Katie, excuses to spend time together are getting harder and harder to come by. John watches Rodney talking to Teyla and Ronon. He wants to grab him by the vest and make him-

 

_'Make him what, John? Make him love you?'_

 

He creases his lips together and then he has an idea. Rodney once told him that he couldn't find any worthy chess opponents to play with. The game might not be as exciting but John is sure he could take Rodney on.

 

Watching him for a minute, John acts without thinking and strides over to Rodney.

 

Not bothering to take in the baffled expressions of his friends, John grabs ahold of Rodney's vest again and pulls him away from Ronon and Teyla, "Com'ere, Rodney."

 

"Hey what are you-? Rodney protests, "You don't have to-"

 

Smiling to himself as he pulls Rodney down the hall behind him, John explains, "I've got a plan, Rodney."

 

In a moment, they are alone and John releases his hold. He turns around and extends his hand to the adjacent wall.

 

The momentum causes Rodney to stumble into John a little before he backs up. "Okay, what could possibly be so important that you had to, literally, drag me away?"

 

"It's a really good plan, Rodney." John gives his most irrepressible smile.

 

"Really?" Rodney acts put out, "Let's hear it."

 

Actually, he hadn't thought this far ahead, how to pitch it. Then it comes to him; he's got to bait Rodney into it.

 

John's eyes twinkle, "I've got a new game. -But the thing is, I'm just not sure if you're good enough at chess to play me."

 

When Rodney rolls his eyes, John knows he's got him hooked.

 

"Really." Rodney snorts, "You. Play chess, against me. I mean it's just kind of sad, because while I'm not a grand champion, I easily could have been. Let's just say, had I other career aspirations, I easily could have been."

 

"So, maybe not such a great plan, after all?" Rodney sneers at John.

 

"What's the matter Rodney," John leans lazily into the wall, "you afraid to play a game where you can't cheat?"

 

"I did not-" Rodney’s face contorts in annoyance as he points his finger, "You know what? You're on. Be prepared to go down in flames my friend."

 

"You're on." John tilts his head to the side liking the challenge.

 

"Yes." Rodney tries to look tough by folding his arms, "Yes, it is. On."

 

Almost as soon as they get back to the city, they set up a board in the cafeteria. They play for hours before Elizabeth joins them and apprises them of the positive diplomatic developments on the planet. They hardly bother to look up from the board.

 

"And you two?" Elizabeth asks, "Called a truce yet?"

 

"Yeah," John answers, lifting his face slightly from its resting place between his fists, "We're 'good'."

 

He can't help but feel a little bitter as he says it. That's what Rodney said as he was dying. All he'd asked John was whether or not they were 'good'. So sure, they're  _'good',_  why wouldn't they be?

 

"Yeah, don't worry." Rodney chimes in, "We're going to stick to chess from now on."

 

"As long as Rodney doesn't cheat." John moves a piece on the board.

 

"Oh please, like I need to cheat playing you?" Rodney acts condescending despite the fact that he hasn't been beating John as readily as promised.

 

Seeing how focused they are on their new game, Elizabeth leaves them to it.

 

John watches as Rodney moves a knight and declares, "Ha."

 

Taking one of Rodney's pawns with his queen, John utters a, "Ha.", followed by, "Checkmate."

 

"What?" Rodney is stunned. He looks over the board, "Oh, no-no-no. What happened there?"

 

"What happened there," John fakes a bored expression with his elbows propped up on the table, "is I just kicked your ass."

 

"No, no, I was distracted. She was, uh-" Rodney points to Elizabeth's departing figure, "Okay, we're going again. Best of 10."

 

As Rodney resets the board, John hides a smile and lifts his brows as if beating Rodney is so easy it's not worth the bother.

 

.

.

 

These days John spends most of his off-hours alone. There have been a few games of chess here and there over the past weeks, but Rodney is often busy with Katie. Missing and wanting Rodney is like a sickness that is eating away at him. John thought he might start to adjust to it over time, but he only feels worse.

 

There isn't a soul he can tell about this. Ronon keeps trying to get him to talk, but John imagines how much Ronon would hate him if he knew the truth. He hates himself for whatever this is, for the fact that he is in love with a man.

 

Sure, John has acted on his urges before, but it was always just a quick get-off experience, one that he could deny in the light of day. Until Rodney. Now he is lost in despair, broken, and angry with himself for being this way. Johnny Cash is his only therapy, that and punching stuff.

 

He's been able to keep up appearances on duty, when in command of the team. It’s a role he knows how to drop into easily, but he doesn't have the energy left to pretend the rest of the time. It is easier just to shut himself away.

 

Maybe one of these days that Johnny Cash song will get through to him and convince him to be content alone, a solitary man.

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

Ronon hasn't been seeing much of John on his time off. It seems like the only time he can find him anymore is in the gym. John is still punching at that bag and still not talking.

 

Something has been wrong with him for a while now and it is starting to worry Ronon.  
Sometimes Ronon holds the bag while John hits it but John still won't tell him what has happened. John used to talk to him about stuff or at least hang out. it's not like him to hide out like this and Ronon is sure he's not right.

 

Heading to the gym, he finds John slugging away as usual. John seems angry but the punches have a defeated air to them, a repetitive surrender, like John has nothing else left to do. And John's eyes betray sadness, a loss, like something inside him is broken.

 

If he didn't know John better, Ronon might think it was a romantic problem. But John doesn't seem to do relationships, not since he's known the guy.

 

"You winning tonight?" Ronon walks up to hold the bag.

 

John just shakes his head.

 

"If you ever want to spar, I'm here." Ronon offers.

 

"You know," John shuffles and stops, "sometimes you just need to hit something that isn't going to hit you back."

 

Then John continues his assault on the bag.

 

"Still not gonna tell me what's wrong?"

 

"Nothing's wrong." John keeps punching.

 

"Okay." Ronon shrugs and lets go of the bag, "Have it your way."

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes in Season 3, during/ after episode 15 "The Game"  
> .


	13. Irresistible in that orange spacesuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Ronon can't understand why John won't trust him, how he'd think Ronon could ever come to hate him. He doesn't care what kind of atrocity John thinks he's committed; nothing can effect the loyalty he has to their friendship._  
> .

.  
.

The whole mission went south when Rodney insisted on exploring one more room of the hollowed out moon base.

 

He’d begged John, "Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, I need to find out what's inside. I'm the same way with Christmas presents and piñatas. One more compartment, other side of this door."

 

John had given in, partly because Rodney was so hard to resist in his orange spacesuit and partly because he was a little curious about the space shuttle they had seen when docking. Certainly not because there was any useful technology. For a hollowed out moon, the base had a very 1967 look about it.

 

But a chain of disastrous events followed after Rodney powered up the moon's nuclear reactor. As soon as the station re-pressurized, 2 guys rematerialized out of a modified Wraith storage device. The device was supposed to be preserving their people for a number of centuries, until they could return to their planet, once it was habitable again.

 

One of the guys went crazy went he found out that the other data storage device never made it to the moon –the one that had his wife and child in it. That was pretty much when everything went to hell. He sabotaged the station, opened all the air lock doors, and burned the fuel off the shuttle… killing himself in the process and nearly taking the rest of them with him.

 

Ronon helped John get the doors to their compartment closed before they completely lost all their air, but his shoulder got pretty banged up in the process. Now the two of them are cut off from the others; he damaged compartments in between in a vacuum.

 

Yeah. This had been a really, really bad idea.

 

But John had been distracted by Rodney's hair, looking all rumpled and sexy after he took off that helmet. It made John remember the day they first met. Orange looks so good on him. It makes the blue of Rodney's eyes pop out.

 

The station rumbles and John stays seated on the floor watching as Ronon gets up and starts pacing restlessly, holding his wounded arm in place.

 

After some time, Ronon says, "I'm not good at this."

 

"What?"

 

"Waiting to die." Ronon says with a dark expression.

 

"Don't think about it." John tells him.

 

Ronon keeps pacing, "I don't like small spaces."

 

"Could be worse." John tries to reassure him.

 

Striding angrily, Ronon asserts, "Personally, I'd rather die fighting."

 

"I'd rather not die."

 

"I'm just saying." Ronon grimaces.

 

"Okay, look." John offers, "If this rock burns up in the atmosphere, I'll fight you to the death myself, deal?

 

Ronon smiles and stops pacing. "You're on."

 

.

.

 

When Atlantis finally dials the gate to check on them, John tells Elizabeth they are in trouble, to send Beckett with a rescue team and some cutting equipment ASAP.

 

"What's happened?" she asks.

 

"We got ourselves in a..." John waves his hand uncertainly at the station groaning around him, "damaged moon base in a decaying orbit, cut off from each other."

 

"–And we lost the Jumper." He adds quickly, giving a frustrated shrug, " _THAT_  happened. Well, there's more to it than that, but, but you get the idea.

 

She tells them that help is on the way and asks what else she can do.

 

"Hurry!" Ronon shouts gruffly.

 

The wait doesn't seem as bad now. As long as they don't suffocate or burn up in the next 20 minutes or so…

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

After the rescue party arrived and helped repressurize the station, Rodney found out that Teyla was placed into one of the storage devices by the other guy. The one who didn’t kill himself. Apparently he thought it was the only way to ensure that his people would be safely taken to the surface of the planet and rematerialized there.

 

The moon won't survive another orbit, and there was no way to hook the machine Teyla was trapped in up to another compatible technology. That’s when John decided to get himself killed by trying to fly that ancient shuttle –the one without any fuel- down to the planet.

 

Rodney's chest tightened when he realized what John intended to do. Despite his great objections, John had shouted at him to ready the machine so they could load it into the ancient shuttle, "Listen, just get the thing disconnected! That's an order!"

 

He knows John well enough to realize he can't talk him out of this. Even if it means taking a suicidal risk, John will go to any length to rescue someone on his team.

 

The station quakes and heaves around them as the falling moon makes its final descent. Once Rodney gets the device ready, he bites his tongue as he instructs John about getting the device into the receptacle.

 

Seemingly unconcerned, John just nods and walks forward, "All right, let's do it."

 

"Just," Rodney lifts a finger because he can’t stop himself from trying to stop this madness, "can I say one more thing?"

 

John turns around, "As long as you say it as fast as you can."

 

"Don't do this." Rodney begs, "It's impossible."

 

"Willing to bet a week's wages on that?" John smirks.

 

"Oh yeah," Rodney asks morosely, "How are you gonna pay up if I win, huh?"

 

"Thanks for caring." John quips.

 

Rodney lowers his eyes as John tells the rest of the crew, "Yeah, All right, radio Atlantis as soon as you're clear. Keep a safe distance with the Jumper. I'll try to maintain radio contact."

 

Wondering if this is goodbye, he sorrowfully watches John leave.

 

"Hey," Ronon stops John on the way into the shuttle, "remember, you still owe me a fight to the death."

 

Closing his helmet, John says something, but it is too muffled for Rodney to hear. Then John slaps Ronon on the shoulder and walks into the shuttle. The rest of them make their way back to the Jumper and fly to safety.

 

"All right," John updates them, "I've got the device locked into place. Looks like internal power switched on automatically. Closing rear hatch now. See you guys on the ground."

 

"The moon's decelerating in the upper atmosphere." Rodney tells John, "You've only got a few minutes to familiarize yourself with those controls."

 

"It's pretty straightforward." John says casually.

 

"We're gonna lose radio contact as you pass through the atmosphere."

 

"I know, Rodney."

 

With a heavy chest Rodney explains, "I'm saying that if you have anything that you'd like to say, now would be a good time to say it."

 

"No, not really." John is flippant.

 

Hearing that makes Rodney ache, there are so many things he wishes he could say to John but here in this roomful of people it is impossible.

 

Trying to stay helpful, Rodney reminds John, "Now would probably be a good time to disengage."; he tells the others in the Jumper, "Hopefully, the explosive bolts will throw him clear of the moon."

 

"Initiating separation maneuver in 3, 2, 1, mark! Separation is negative." John reports, "Switching to back-up."

 

Rodney waits anxiously thinking of all the things he wishes he could say to John right now.

 

"Disengage." John mutters into the com, "Come on! Damn it!. The bolts will not work! I repeat, the explosive bolts will not fire. Unable to separate ship. I don't know if you can hear me, but it looks like I'm going to have to ride this one down!"

 

He knew it; he knew this was going to happen. Rodney feels sick to his stomach.

 

"What's happening?" Ronon asks.

 

Rodney swallows, trying to keep his voice steady, but it comes out panicked and high pitched. "He can't separate the ship. He's gonna burn up inside the moon."

 

Keeping his face forward, Rodney stares at the view screen. Maybe John didn't have anything to say… but there was so much more that Rodney wanted to say to him. He still loves John so much. He begged him not to leave. All of it just happened too fast, there was no time to say what was in his heart. Not even goodbye.

 

As the sensors detect a massive explosion Rodney watches helplessly; the moon has lost all structural integrity. There is no way John survived that.

 

Then Rodney's heart leaps, he points to the screen, elated that the shuttle has been thrown clear, "There it is!"

 

But John still has to land the damn thing and the odds of that are pretty slim. Rodney continues to watch the screen in apprehension as the shuttle reaches the surface and touches down.

 

Lorne tells his men, "Get as close to the crash site as possible."

 

"Can you tell if he's alive?" Carson asks.

 

"Not yet." Rodney's voice is soft and emotional, "Wait."

 

The sensor beeps and Rodney's tone changes to one of smug satisfaction, "I'm detecting one life sign."

 

John's shaky voice comes in over the com, "That's one week's pay you owe me, Rodney."

 

"You know, technically, I didn't take that bet." Rodney laughs.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Once they are back on Atlantis, John pays Teyla a visit in the infirmary. Carson says she is fine, but he is taking every precaution and monitoring her just in case there is a side effect from the re-materialization.

 

The two of them chat for a bit and John is surprised to hear her defend the man's actions. She is sympathetic that he tried to save his people; although he did not survive the rematerialization, he saved the last of his kind, through John.

 

"It's not the reason I did it." John frowns.

 

"I know." Teyla smiles at him.

 

Making a joke to clear the air of any undue emotion, John tells her, "Don't go feeling special now. I would have done it for any one of you."

 

"Of course." Teyla says as John turns to leave.

 

"Except maybe McKay." he mutters comically.

 

"Yes," Teyla calls after him, "I think even for Rodney."

 

John smiles and calls over his shoulder, "Maybe."

 

As he alone walks into the hall, he sighs.  _'Of course for Rodney. Especially for Rodney.'_

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

After dislocating his shoulder on that moon base, it has taken a couple weeks for Ronon's arm to heal completely. In the meantime, he hasn't let John forget his promise to fight to the death, since technically the moon _did_ burn up in the atmosphere.

 

Every time Ronon reminds him, John makes a face and just says, "Looking forward to that."

 

Their conversations lately haven't lasted much longer than that. In fact, over the past months Ronon has barely gotten John to interact with him off duty. He knows John isn't upset with him. Still, for some reason John is avoiding him. It's weird that he makes time for McKay; Ronon's seen the two of them playing chess more than a few times.

 

But tonight John has finally agreed to face Ronon in the gym. As he enters the room, Ronon sees John is already holding some of Teyla's fighting sticks; his eyes have a fierce gleam to them. Ronon doesn't need to ask if John is ready, he grabs some sticks of his own and takes a defensive position.

 

John comes at him in a brutal and sudden show of force. Ronon deflects him easily. Usually John is more calculated in his attack, saving his strength for a moment when Ronon has his guard down. But Ronon doesn't hold back, he swings without mercy and glances John across the side of the head.

 

There is a look in John's eye, a clench to his jaw that says he is out for blood. John rushes back in, throwing his body into series of brutal strikes. Ronon rolls into them, flipping himself around, stopping each blow, and finally kicking John's feet out from under him. Before John realizes what has happened, Ronon is helping him up and retreating to a ready stance.

 

The fight continues like this for over an hour, Ronon is getting a solid workout but John is being soundly beaten. Normally, Ronon would tell him to stop and go to the infirmary, John must have a few cracked ribs and blood is running down the side of his face. But for some reason Ronon knows John needs this and wouldn't forgive him for backing down.

 

So Ronon keeps attacking until John is gasping on the edge of sheer exhaustion. He catches him under the knees and John goes down again. Thinking they are done, he sets down his sticks.

 

Without warning, John tackles him from behind slamming them both down to the floor. The wind is knocked out of him and Ronon is stunned for a second. Then he is aware of John's fists battering into him. Using his superior size to twist out of John's hold. He grapples with John until he has him flat on his back, pinned and unable to move.

 

"You about done?" Ronon asks.

 

"I don't know." John pants, "You dead yet?"

 

"Close enough." Ronon smiles, "Let's get you up to see Beckett."

 

Releasing John and standing up, Ronon offers a hand. But John doesn't move, he just stares blankly up at the ceiling. A strange kind of hush has fallen over the room, one Ronon feels he should not break.

 

The side of John's head is bleeding from a gash in his scalp and on the other side blood is dripping from a wound just under his eye. With the hollow expression on John's face, and blood running down his cheek, it creates a macabre illusion of tears.

 

Somehow this moment feels like the closest Ronon has gotten to the truth. John is dropping the mask and letting Ronon see the pain. He sits on the floor next to John. He wants him to know that he will wait with him until he is ready.

 

Wondering what comes next, Ronon silently waits. Since losing his home world almost 9 years ago, John has been his closest friend. It goes beyond saving his life; the loyalty John has shown him says more than the unspoken words between them ever could.

 

It burns him up inside watching John in this stranglehold of pain and not knowing how to help. Ronon thought John trusted him; he thought he had earned that trust by now. But Ronon is coming to realize that John is a man of many layers, and he suspects that John is perhaps more haunted and tortured by grief than Ronon is himself.

 

Right now, with John lying here next to him it is plain to see, but in a flash it will be gone and Ronon won't know how to get through. He sighs and places his heavy hand on John's shoulder, patting it affectionately. John's face crumples up for a moment and then he goes blank again, shaking his head.

 

Before John can completely shrug this off, Ronon grips his shoulder, "John… You gotta talk to somebody. Whatever's going on with you-"

 

"I can't." John wrinkles his face in disgust.

 

"You're gonna have to, at some point." Ronon presses, "If you don't trust me… There's gotta be someone else."

 

"I trust you Ronon, I-" John frowns and looks at his friend, "it's not about that… It's, I…"

 

John sighs heavily, "There are some… things from my past that are- they're catching up to me now and I'm…"

 

He looks away from Ronon, "I'm having a hard time not hating myself right now. I couldn't really handle it if one of my friends hated me too."

 

"You think I could hate you?" Ronon scowls. He doesn't care what kind of atrocity John thinks he has committed, nothing could change the loyalty he feels.

 

After a quiet moment, John tells him honestly, "I can't risk it."

 

"So, you don't trust me." Ronon growls.

 

"I do. It's not that. I just-" John goes silent again.

 

Ronon stands up in and shrugs in defeat, "You don't trust me, John."

 

There is no reply, so Ronon walks to the door. Before he leaves, he mutely looks back one last time. John is still lying there, just staring up at the ceiling.

 

The day after the sparring match, Ronon manages to exchange a few words with John in the hallway, apologizing for the physical injuries but John won't hear him out. He insists that Ronon was just being a friend and says he appreciates it.

 

Using the advantage of the moment, Ronon reminds that John that in a couple weeks Atlantis will start implementing Sundays as a mandatory non-work day. He suggests they spend the day together catching up. When he offers to let John choose what to do with their time off, he finally agrees.

 

.

.

 

As the weeks go by Ronon sees John isn't getting any better. He looks worse, dark rings under his eyes, barely a smile, ducking out of every social interaction he can. Making plans with John had seemed like a small victory, but as their 'off-day' approaches, John seems more distant than ever.

 

Ronon decides to have a talk with Teyla to see if she can help. The two of them go for a private lunch, which is easy now that John is always missing and Rodney is usually with Katie. They sit out on a balcony overlooking the sea.

 

"What is it you wanted to talk about, Ronon?"

 

He leans back on the bench, enjoying the sun radiating against his skin. "Have you noticed anything weird with John the last few months?"

 

Teyla reflects, "Yes, now that you mention it, he has seemed rather distant and-"

 

Ronon interrupts, "He's in pain Teyla, I can't get him to talk to me about it but something's really wrong."

 

"Should we not ask Dr. Beckett-"

 

"No." Ronon cuts her off, "Definitely not. Not that kind of pain. He's fine on duty and we don't need to involve anyone in his personal life."

 

"Then perhaps we should also let it be private." Teyla wonders.

 

"You haven't seen him like I have Teyla." Ronon shakes his head, "Something is breaking him down inside. It's killing him but he won't talk about it. If it were one of us, I know he would try to help."

 

"How do you propose we do that?"

 

"I dunno. I was hoping maybe you'd have some ideas?"

 

"Well, I suppose all we know, is that something is wrong. If he does not want to tell us, all we can do is be more watchful and careful. Until we know more, or until there is something obvious that we can do to assist him…"

 

Ronon sighs.

 

"You're a good friend Ronon," Teyla assures him, "he is lucky to have you. I'm sure this will resolve itself and he will be himself again. At least Rodney seems to be doing well. I would go so far as to say he seems downright happy. So, once we get John back to normal, I think we'll be all be better than ever."

 

"How long has McKay being dating Katie?" Ronon thinks out loud.

 

"Oh." Teyla raises her eyebrows, "I don't know. I believe it was shortly after his near death experience with the Ascension device."

 

"So," Ronon pauses, "It's been almost 3 months, then. That's about the same time John started coming apart."

 

"You think there could be a connection?" Teyla asks.

 

"Maybe." Ronon is unsure.

 

Teyla considers it, "You are not suggesting that Katie Brown could be the source of some romantic rivalry?"

 

"No." Ronon dismisses the idea, "Definitely not. Besides, whatever's going on is something darker and deeper in the past. –But at first I did wonder if it was something like that. Like maybe he was heartbroken."

 

"Really?" Teyla looks skeptical, "The Colonel?"

 

"I know, it doesn't sound like him." Ronon admits, "Yeah, it's not that, I realized it has something to do with the past. He's acting like he's committed some terrible, unforgivable sin."

 

 

"Are you sure?" Teyla cocks her head.

 

"Look," Ronon shrugs, "that’s is the best I've been able to get out of him."

 

Teyla looks puzzled.

 

"I just wish there was more I could do." Ronon tells her he appreciates her confidence, then he reminds her, "Well we're supposed to see him tomorrow, so he can teach us how to play golf."

 

"Oh yes," Teyla brightens, "Sunday already."

 

After a moment she asks, "Ronon, do you not think perhaps it would be better for the two of you to spend some time alone? If you want to try to talk, then I could excuse myself."

 

"If you think that'll work." Ronon smiles, "I don't know if you're getting out of it that easy. I want to hang out with him and all, but I was kind hoping to get out of the 'golf' game myself."

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, during/ after episode 16 "The Ark"  
> .


	14. Maybe he doesn't have a heart after all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _A dark tragedy leaves everyone in Atlantis emotionally shattered._  
> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter is dedicated to my dear friend Donna Lynn. Rest in Peace my angel._

.  
.

Ronon gets up earlier than usual and meets John at his quarters. John seems in good spirits and excited about the golf thing. They grab a bite to eat and then head off with the golf sticks to find Teyla.

 

When they spot her, Teyla makes a believable excuse and gracefully extricates herself. She smiles, giving Ronon a knowing look on the way out and pats him on the arm. Ronon wishes he could get out of this golf game too but maybe it will give him a chance to get John to talk about what’s been upsetting him.

 

The game is about as dull as Ronon was expecting. He watches in boredom as John and some other guy repeatedly swing their ‘clubs’ at little white balls, sending them into the water. He can't believe this is a real sport on Earth.

 

John tries to tell him that it is harder than it looks, actually requiring practice since childhood. Skeptical, Ronon wonders how hard it can be to hit a little ball. Holding his club midway down the shaft, Ronon uses his strength to make it fly. Turns out it’s not hard at all.

 

The guy behind them seems impressed, "Whoa!"

 

"Like that?" Ronon smirks.

 

"That was okay." John admits.

 

"Okay?" the other guy gushes, "You can't even see where it landed."

 

"Well, it's not a distance game, it's an accuracy one." John argues.

 

"Well, pick a spot." Ronon challenges. "I'll hit it there."

 

"First off," John gestures, "your grip. It's all wrong-"

 

Interrupting their banter, Beckett steps out onto the balcony with a cheery hello. Grinning widely, he invites them both to join he and Rodney on a fishing expedition for the day.

 

John gives Ronon a questioning look and he returns an expression of clear dismissal. If there is anything Ronon wants to do less than golf, it is going fishing with Beckett and McKay.

 

"All right, but don't be jealous when I return with a record breaking 'space trout'. Beckett snaps his fingers playfully and taunts them, "Thank you."

 

"We'll try to contain ourselves." John says wryly.

 

"Oh, aye." Beckett beams happily as he scurries out the door.

 

Ronon doesn’t think he’s ever seen Beckett this excited. It seems like everyone around here gets excited by really boring games. Throwing the club down in disinterest, he tells John, "Time for a real sport. Come on."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Carson catches Rodney off guard in the cafeteria, slapping him on the shoulder "Would you look at that? Great minds think alike! I thought I'd pick us up some snacks as well."

 

The guilt is burning a hole in his stomach as Rodney says, "Yes, um, about that."

 

"Rodney." Carson's face falls.

 

"Look here's the thing." Rodney tries to sound convincing, "You know I would love to go with you."

 

"No I don't." Carson sounds hurt.

 

"I would. I do. I just- I ran into Katie Brown and she started to lay the guilt on, you know how I never get to see her, and how the one day I get off, I'm jet-setting off to the coast to sport fish with my best buddy. I mean, she and I see so little of each other, I'm not sure we even count as a couple."

 

It is a bald-faced lie, and Carson knows it. Rodney is always with Katie these days. "Anyways, look, long story short-"

 

"Too late, Carson complains sarcastically.

 

Rodney continues with the last of his long-winded excuse, "I told Katie I would spend the day with her."

 

"All right." Carson gives a disappointed laugh; it’s obvious they both know Rodney is lying but Carson lets it pass without comment.

 

"Hey, you know,” Rodney keeps going with his excuse anyway, “if it was anybody else-"

 

"No, no I understand." Carson says gracefully.

 

"Yeah, next week, I'm 100% there."

 

Carson looks hopeful. "You promise?"

 

"Absolutely." Rodney vows.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

This game is much more fun than golf, though Ronon almost feels a little sorry for John.

 

"Oh come on!" John points with his wooden sword, "Oh, you are making this stuff up! This is not a traditional Satedan sport. This is an excuse to make me look dumb and kick my ass."

 

"If you wanna quit…" Ronon shrugs in amusement.

 

John sighs and moves forward again to meet his opponent.

 

Ronon lunges skillfully and throws John off balance, smacking him hard enough in the face to throw him onto his back. John stays down on the floor, gasping.

 

"I'm sorry." Ronon tells him.

"This game sucks."

 

"Well," Ronon advises, "you need to focus."

 

"I don't know if that's going to be possible again…" John lets his head fall back onto the floor, "Here, help me get up. I got an idea."

 

Offering an arm, Ronon pulls John up off the ground. As he stands, John whips his wooden stick across Ronon's bare arm. Feeling less sorry for him now, Ronon growls in anger.

 

"That hurts doesn't it?" John says with a bit of resentment.

 

Ronon scowls, rubbing his arm as he follows John out of the gym.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

While Rodney has lunch in the greenhouse with Katie, she professes her appreciation for the attention he has been lavishing on her in the months since they have started dating.

 

She tells him, "For the last little while you have really made an effort to make time for me and it has been lovely."

 

Rodney is touched that she has noticed and cared, he tries to express his feelings but rambles on awkwardly, spoiling the mood.

 

Stopping himself, he tries again, earnestly telling Katie, "I like you a lot, I mean, I do."

 

She smiles at him with her pretty doe eyes "I know you do, and I like you a lot, too."

 

"I know." Rodney furrows his brows in concern, "And to be honest, I –I -I find that just… baffling."

 

"Come on now!" Katie shakes her head in disbelief.

 

"No-no-no." Rodney lifts his hand, "It's other people too. They find it baffling too"

 

"I guess they just don't know you like I know you."

 

"Yeah," Rodney points at her, "but you see, that's what scares me. I mean at some point, you are going to know me the way they know me and then this-"

 

Katie interrupts, "Rodney, I think I know you pretty well. There's not a lot of subtext with you."

 

That's not what John would say. John knows Rodney better than anyone, except maybe Carson. John has seen so many sides of Rodney and even he says Rodney is an enigma to him. It often feels like John can see right through him. Still, John knows there is more, more that he can't see.

 

No, John is right and Katie is wrong. She has barely scratched the surface with him. How can he possibly hope that Katie will still like him if she gets to know him better?

 

He changes the subject, thinking about how long he avoided Katie after that awkward first date. Taking her hands romantically in his, he tells her, "I am really sorry that I ignored you all that time."

 

"I bet you are." Katie blinks up at him flirtatiously.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

John watches Ronon lift the can and smash it to his forehead as hard as he can, "Like that? He asks.

 

"Yeah," John positions his hand to illustrate the correct position for smashing beer cans, "you got to hit it straight on, as hard as you can."

 

"Okay." Ronon answers.

 

It is amusing him to no end that Ronon is taking this seriously, as if John is talking about a traditional Earth sport. John eases back into the comfort of the lounge chair in his own quarters. This is how he prefers to spend the day off, kicking back, eating junk food, and listening to music.

 

Lifting the ice pack to his face, he tells Ronon, "I'll stick to golf. Your game is a little too much like my day job."

 

He eyes Ronon, knowing he’s been angling to try to get John to talk to him. But John can't talk about that stuff. Instead, he tries to get Ronon to talk about himself.

 

"So, how long you been here now? A year?"

 

"A year and a half." Ronon sips his beer and sets it down.

 

"A year and a half?" John is surprised. Has it really been that long? It still feels like Ronon just got here. John rarely sees him fraternizing with anyone.

 

"You ever hang out with anyone else besides me and Teyla?"

 

Ronon shakes his head.

 

"No, I'm not saying we're sick of you or anything. I'm... I don't know.” John tries a different subject. "Are you dating anyone?"

 

"You mean like a woman?" Ronon smiles.

 

Spur of the moment, John decides to say something to see how Ronon will react to the idea of two men together; he acts casual, asking, "Or a man?"

 

"No." Ronon looks amused but not offended; then Ronon's face clouds a bit, "I'm not ready yet."

 

"Not ready yet?" John's voice softens, "Did you leave somebody behind on Sateda?"

 

Ronon nods.

 

"Wife?"

 

"Close enough."

 

"Sorry." John feels guilty for prying.

 

"What about you?" Ronon asks.

 

"What about me?" John keeps his tone light, hoping to keep the conversation from getting too serious.

 

"When are you getting married?" Ronon smirks.

 

"Already done that." John chuckles, "Not very good at it. Besides, there really isn't anyone here that-"

 

What can he say about Rodney? _'There isn't really anyone here that loves me the way I love them? I blew whatever chance I had?'_

 

John opts to leave the sentence unfinished and brings the beer to his lips, saying instead, "Yeah, you know."

 

"See," Ronon gives him a playful look, "I always thought you and Teyla would, uh, you know."

 

"Really?" John is flattered and surprised and laughs a little.

 

"Yeah, why not?" Ronon asks.

 

Teyla is hot, definitely hot. But John wants someone else. "Mmmm-" John barely begins, when a booming explosion shakes the building and stops the conversation short.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Ronon paces in Rodney’s lab thinking about Teyla’s condition. Unlike some of the others caught in the blast, Carson said she’d survive, that it would be a successful surgery. Rodney says he can explain what happened but he is going on and on about some kind of Ancient machine he had junior technicians checking out.

 

“I should have been there.” Rodney whines, “those idiots always go and touch something they shouldn’t. It was some kind of failed weapon abandoned by the Ancients; but the radiation it emits effects all biologic material, not just Wraith.”

 

“Get to the point, McKay.” Ronon scowls.

 

“Fine, fine.” Rodney fidgets, “Long story short, it creates explosive tumors.”

 

"Explosive tumors?" Ronon can't believe what he is hearing, "Are you kidding me?"

 

"I wish I was." Rodney sounds tired as he and John go on to conclude that the other junior technician who turned on the machine could explode any minute.

 

“Then we need to find this guy before anyone else gets killed.” Ronon’s hand strays instinctively to his pistol, flipping it to a stun setting as John makes the call for an ordinance disposal team to be on standby.

 

Rodney makes a citywide announcement and a call comes back from the infirmary. One of the nurses says the man is there, having sustained minor injuries from the explosion earlier.

 

“He’s in the OR right now?!” Rodney’s eyes go wide and his posture changes to one of extreme tension as he tells the nurse to get Carson on the radio with him.

 

Now Rodney is the one pacing as he waits for Beckett to get on the com.

 

Ronon folds his arms as John sends a team to the operating room.

 

Suddenly Rodney is yelling into his com, pointing his finger as he strides anxiously about the lab; he explains that the man Carson is working on has been infected with an explosive tumor.

 

Getting more agitated as the conversation continues, Rodney yells, “It _is_ possible Carson! Look, you need to get you and your team out of there. Sheppard has an ordinance-disposal crew on its way.”   

 

Answering something Carson said, Rodney’s voice gets louder as he paces with intensity, "He doesn't have to move. You do!"

 

The quarantine alarm begins to blare and Ronon leans over as John checks the laptop on the table.

 

"He used his authorization code to seal off the whole level." John reports, "We can't get to him."

 

Ronon stays frozen in his seat as Rodney pleads, "Carson, you cannot seriously be considering operating on this guy."

 

As Rodney continues to rant and plead with Carson about what little time he has, Ronon turns his head. He’s heard McKay panic plenty of times but never seen anything quite like this.

 

He closes his eyes hoping Carson will be able to do this in time. He’s come to really care for the man who removed the Wraith tracking device from him and freed him from a life on the run. But he knows how much more this must be scaring Rodney; he’s probably Rodney’s closest friend.

 

"Okay," Rodney sounds like he is going to explode himself now as he sputters, "look, this is very brave and all, but-"

 

John suddenly interjects, sounding commanding as he speaks to Carson through his com, "What if the explosion causes structural damage? What if the tower comes down with everyone in it?"

 

"Exactly!" Rodney shouts, pointing his finger at John.

 

It doesn’t seem to get through because Rodney is screaming again, "The man is already dead!"

 

"Carson," John's voice is steady, "I can't order you to stand down, but-" He stops talking and looks to Ronon shaking his head.

 

After a moment he tells everyone in the room, “He’s off the com.”

 

“No-no-no” Rodney is shaking as he grabs the computer, “If anything happens to him…”

 

“Stupid idiot technicians” Rodney hisses through clenched teeth as he types at the keyboard, “It’s going to take too long to hack the access codes to get that section open again.”

 

It is hard to miss how genuinely rattled Rodney is. Sure, he gets upset a lot but this is different. Ronon frowns remembering something. Weren't the two of them supposed to leave for a fishing trip today?

 

Chewing his lip in frustration as he types, Rodney suddenly grabs the computer and flings it against the wall. It smatters to the floor in several pieces.

 

“I can’t do it in time. There’s not enough time to override the, the… We’re not going to be able to get to him.”

 

 Ronon simply blinks at the smashed computer, he’s never seen Rodney do anything like that before.

 

John puts his hand out, “Rodney-“

 

“Give me another one” Rodney snaps his fingers at Zelenka, “Yes, yes, that laptop right there.”

 

“Rodney” John’s voice stays steady, “We should brief Elizabeth, maybe she’ll think of something we’ve missed.”

 

Balling his fists up against the side of his head like he is thinking, Rodney storms out of the lab.

 

“We’ll fix this.” John tells Ronon as he goes after Rodney.

 

“Right.” Ronon sits in the chair feeling useless, wishing there was more he could do.

 

Zelenka meekly places a new laptop in front of him to replace the one Rodney destroyed and then begins to clean up the broken pieces of the ruined one from the floor; he tells Ronon, “They’ll think of something. They always do.”

 

Nodding, Ronon thinks of how many near death situations they’ve escaped. Just, when it comes to the stuff like this that doesn’t involve fighting, there isn’t much for him to do. Maybe he should learn more about science.

 

He hates waiting like this. He doesn’t even have his com with him, so he has no idea what is going on out there.

 

After what seems like an eternity Zelenka nods to him, “Hey, Beckett got it out. The team is going in now to remove the bomb.”

 

A moment later John and Rodney come rushing back into the lab, John is speaking loudly, "Just stay put, Doc!" he leans over to Ronon, “Carson’s trying to take the container to the crew…”

 

Visualizing Carson carrying an explosive tumor, Ronon tenses in anticipation. Carson is going to be okay, he's almost there.

 

Then John nods to let them know it is over. “Okay. It’s gonna be okay, he just handed off the-“

 

An explosion rocks the building.

 

As Ronon looks up at the others in the room, no one says a word. Rodney's face is a mixture of terror and grief. He wants to tell him to wait; they don't know if Carson is injured. But the grim silence in the room stops him.

 

Then they get confirmation from John's men on the scene; Carson did not survive the blast.

 

Rodney's form crumples into the wall behind him. With a small pinched wail, he covers his face with his hands.

 

John collapses into the chair in front of the laptop, just staring at the screen; his face completely blank. Then he stands back up in a stupor and stumbles out of the lab.

 

Unsure of what to do, Ronon goes after John. He knows John hasn’t been doing well and he’s worried this might have pushed him over the edge. He catches up to him in the hall and tries to reach for him but John puts out his hand to keep him away. The movement seems to throw off what little balance he has and John almost walks into a pillar.

 

From a short distance Ronon keeps a watchful eye. John seems to have no idea where he is going, his eyes are glazed as if he isn’t even really there and he takes little notice of what is going on around him. Ronon feels much the same as he follows John on his weaving path to nowhere. It is just too much to take in, too much of a shock.

 

After a while Ronon asserts himself, telling John, “Hey, this way.”

 

Thankfully, John hears him and follows Ronon as he leads him back to John’s quarters. He tries to say something as they approach the door but John cuts him off.

 

“Don’t.” He waves Ronon back again and closes himself into the room.

 

Ronon stands mutely by the closed door for some time. It feels like his mind isn’t working right. Carson is gone. The last time Ronon saw him he was taking Teyla into surgery.

 

_Teyla._

Ronon finds himself walking to the part of the building where the patients were evacuated to, he has to make sure Teyla is okay.

 

.

.

 

Everyone in Atlantis is very somber right now; missions have been temporarily suspended. Teyla is still recovering from her injuries.

 

Rodney is…

 

Ronon squeezes his eyes thinking about how he’d tried to talk to Rodney. John had all but disappeared and Ronon thought he should try to make sure Rodney was alright.

 

He’d found him in Carson’s quarters; everything was nearly disassembled and in boxes. Rodney had seemed surprised that Ronon was there asking if he was okay.

 

"Hmm, uh-" Rodney answered stiffly like he was trying to keep his emotions in check, "Not really."

 

All that came to mind was to ask if he needed any help.

 

"No, I'm almost done." Rodney choked, looking up like he was trying to keep any tears from falling, "He didn't have a lot of stuff here."

 

Ronon felt at a loss of what to say, asking if the stuff was going back to Carson’s family.

 

"Yeah. Well, I mean-" Rodney answered softly, taking a short breath to collect himself before continuing, "We will. They don't know yet."

 

He sounded so stricken, "We're going to send… the body back to Earth, and, um…" Rodney had been fighting to speak without crying then, "I'm going to tell his mother."

 

It was too heartbreaking, Ronon wanted to reach out and hug the guy, but that just wasn’t the kind of thing they normally did. Normally John would be the one looking after Rodney, knowing the right things to say to him, but John has been lost in his own world.

 

Rodney had looked to Ronon with a vacant despair in his eyes, "I should've just gone fishing with him."

 

Not knowing what to say, Ronon managed to croak out one word, "Don't" but Rodney kept blaming himself.

 

"No, if I'd gone fishing, if I'd checked the machine and if I hadn't assigned two junior guys to catalog the lab-"

 

Ronon tried to sound reassuring, the way John talks to Rodney sometimes, ""Rodney. What's done is done."

 

That had been the wrong thing to say.

 

"I know...” Rodney’s eyes welled up, “And, uh, that's what's killing me." He’d turned away from Ronon as silent tears began streaming down his face and he returned to packing boxes.

 

Ronon knows Rodney needs John right now but John has barely said a word to anyone, least of all Ronon. But Ronon has to try, somebody has to get through to him, get him to talk to Rodney. If John were himself, he would know what to say.

 

Ringing the chime on John’s door there is no answer but Ronon knows he’s in there, “Sheppard!” he bellows.

 

After a moment he shouts again, “Sheppard! Open the damn door!”

 

He is about to yell again when the panel opens.

 

John stares as if he is looking through him, “What.” His voice is flat.

 

Pushing his way past John, Ronon steps into his room, “McKay. I tried to check on him but he’s falling apart. Right now he’s up in Carson’s room packing up all his things, I think you need to see him ‘cause I don’t know what to do.”

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

_‘Rodney.’_ John blinks a few times and furrows his brows. _‘God, Rodney. He hasn’t seen Rodney since the moment he heard that second explosion. What the fuck is wrong with him?’_

 

“Wha-“ John tries to find his voice, “What did you say to him?”

 

“Not what he needed to hear. I didn’t know what to say.”

 

John winces thinking of how much Rodney must be suffering. What the hell is wrong with him, why didn’t he even think to go to Rodney? He sighs at the truth. It's because he can't feel anything inside. He isn't right. There _is_ something wrong with him.

 

Ducking his head, John mutters, “Thanks. I’ll try. I just, right now I’m not…” he trails off with a vacant stare.

 

“Yeah” Ronon nods, “I think we’re all, you know, kinda messed up right now.”

 

.

.

 

John finds Carson's room nearly empty of belongings; most everything has been packed up. Rodney must hear him approaching but doesn't turn around; his shoulders are hunched over and he is holding a frame. The only time he’s seen Rodney this forlorn, was that day he saw Rodney standing at the edge of a balcony; that time John had been worried he was going to jump.

 

Placing a hand on his shoulder, John finally feels something; Rodney is warm.

 

No, that's not right. He should be feeling something more, an emotion. His gaze drops to the frame Rodney is holding; it is a picture of Carson and Rodney laughing together.

 

"It was his…" Rodney sounds dull, "I wish… I could keep it. -but it should go to his family."

 

Reluctantly dropping it into the box in front of him, Rodney turns to face John. He looks at him beseechingly, like John has the answer to something Rodney can't find. John's hand falls back to his side; his lips part, wanting to say something, but still not knowing what. There really _is_ something wrong with him, a missing part.

 

Rodney speaks instead, "Carson was the closest thing to a best friend I've ever had." his voice wavers on the verge of tears. His brow creases and his eyes are puffy and red; it looks like he is about to start crying again.

 

John knew the two of them were close, but he hadn't realized just how much Carson meant to Rodney until now. For a moment, he feels a pang of regret, realizing that Carson was closer to Rodney than himself. Then, like a flickering light across the water, John has a distant memory of what it feels like to lose the person closest to you.

 

"I'm so sorry, Rodney." It sounds so empty and contrite.

 

"Yeah." Rodney sounds dull again, gesturing with his hand, "I'd better get this…"

 

"Let me help you." John grabs the box with the picture.

 

While they are walking, John swipes the picture frame and sticks it in his jacket. This stuff is just going to storage for now; he’ll put it back later.

 

Really there was no reason to pack everything up so fast. It will be another day before they head to Earth with the body. He supposes Rodney has needed something to do until then. When they finish making their trips with the boxes, Rodney looks completely lost, like he doesn't know what to do with himself.

 

"You heading to Katie's place now?" John asks.

 

"No." For some reason Rodney winces mildly, "No, I just need to be alone for a while."

 

As John watches him walk away, it seems wrong that Rodney should be alone right now. A bit hypocritical since that is John's favorite solution himself.

 

He wishes he could feel something more than this blank wooden sensation. A registry of some kind of real pain, something that would make him want to hit the punching bag again. But when Carson died it was like all the air went out of him. Just a big empty nothing.

 

John walks through the next day in a stupor, remembering little of what he says or does. He packs some things for the trip to Earth and puts on his dress uniform for the memorial service.

 

Stopping by the infirmary to check on Teyla, John spies her struggling to get out of bed and stops her. But she is insistent that she wants to be at the memorial before they send Carson’s body back to Earth.

 

She inhales sharply in pain but continues to sit upright. Realizing Teyla won't be talked out of it, John moves to help her.

 

But then she catches him off guard by looking soulfully up at him and asking, "How are you doing?"

 

"Me?" John shrugs, "I'm fine, but I didn't get major surgery two days ago."

 

"That is not what I meant." Teyla looks accusingly at him and peers into his eyes for a real answer.

 

"Well, it hasn't hit me yet." John looks away uncomfortably, "Not looking forward to it when it does."

 

_‘If it ever does.’_

Rodney was right when he told John that he didn't have a heart. All his wreckage has twisted him beyond repair.

 

"I feel a great sadness." Teyla reflects all her grief in her eyes, "He… I feel a great sadness."

 

After Elizabeth finishes delivering the eulogy, they open the wormhole to Earth and the pallbearers step forward. John and Rodney hold the front positions next to each other.

 

Before they step through the event horizon, John exchanges a look with him. He tries to reflect strength and let Rodney know that they will make it through this somehow. Solemn and careful, they step through the gate together.

**.**

**.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes in Season 3, episode 17 "Sunday"


	15. Scotland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John holds Rodney close, the way he should have in Antartica, the way he's needed to for so long._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

The trip from Colorado to Scotland feels like a blur to John. When they arrive in the remote town Carson’s mother lives in, he busies himself finding sleeping arrangements. There isn’t an Inn big enough to accommodate of 6 of them, so John books 3 rooms in 2 different spots. 

 

They are relatively close by, so it shouldn't be an inconvenience. Of course, John books Ronon and Rodney in the same spot as himself. Lorne, Zelenka and that woman from the medical team can stay at the other place. 

 

After getting settled into their rooms and having a pint in the pub downstairs, Rodney tells them that he’s going to head out to the Beckett’s house. John would have preferred to stay and have a few more drinks, but he stands up in solidarity without bothering to ask if he is invited. 

 

Rodney accepts his unspoken offer and they go together. At the house, John lets Rodney do most of the talking, interjecting a positive statement here and there about what a great man Carson was. 

 

It is a difficult experience; there are tea and refreshments, and of course, weeping. While Carson’s mother grieves, Rodney holds her hands. He looks moved but never breaks down himself; Rodney stays strong for her and treats her with care. He tells delightful stories about what a wonderful man her son was. If Carson were here he would be proud. 

 

By the time they head back to the Inn, it is late. Fortunately, the kitchen is willing to make them a meal. Making dinner conversation doesn't seem appealing right now and they both request to have the food delivered to their respective rooms. 

 

Though eager to sleep, John takes his time eating. He told Rodney that he could use the adjoining bathroom first. As he finishes his meal, he can hear the sound of the shower go on in the other room. 

 

John checks his laptop. There was something he wanted to order while he had the chance, being back on Earth and all. It looks like it is finished; he should be able to pick it up once they are back in Colorado. 

 

While waiting, John considers listening to his Johnny Cash song but decides against it. It’s a tonic for pain, not to be abused when he is tired and numb. Finally, the sound of the shower goes off and it seems Rodney has returned to his room. John grabs his towel and knocks on the door. 

 

No answer. Exhausted, John steps into the shower, he leans his head back in relief under the hot water. His neck is stiff from the flight. Then he realizes he forgot his toothbrush back in the room.

 

He just wants to sleep, so he rubs his fingers over his teeth in the water and turns the spigot off. Quickly drying, he puts on a comfy black shirt and fresh boxers. He’s about to get in bed, but grimaces at himself. It’ll take less than a minute. He grabs his toothbrush and returns to the bathroom. His hand is on the sink faucet when something stops him from turning it on. 

 

A noise. It is muffled, but the gut wrenching sobs are unmistakable. His stomach lurches. Rodney. This is not the sound of quiet grieving; it is the sound of utter despair, brokenness of spirit, wailing for relief that doesn't come. 

 

John feels something, emotion slamming painfully through his body. Hearing Rodney hurt has made the off switch go back on. Fuck it hurts. Everything hurts. It doesn’t matter, he has to get to Rodney, make it better. John turns off the bathroom light and cracks the door into the darkened room. 

 

Rodney is hunched over himself with his face buried in a pillow. The bed is doublewide and John climbs up onto it without thinking. Rodney’s sobs lessen a bit, like he is trying to regain control. John grabs a pillow and places next to Rodney on the middle of the bed. 

Then he lies down, folding himself around Rodney’s shape and placing his arms gently around Rodney’s back. Choking a little bit, Rodney’s sobs hitch, but John can tell it is in relief. 

 

_Oh. This is how he should have gone to Rodney before, when they were in Antarctica. He should have taken him in his arms._

 

“I’ve got you, Rodney.” He whispers. “It’s going to be okay.” 

 

“N-no.” Rodney makes a keening noise and speaks into the pillow, in fits and spurts. “It... It...is-isn’t…”

 

“Maybe not.” John sighs, pulling Rodney closer, “But you’re not alone.” 

 

And Rodney seems to accept that. His body goes limp and he cries in a different way. It is still the sound of grieving an irreplaceable loss, but it is comforted instead of lonely. John’s hands move across Rodney’s back with familiarity, intimate and loving. Rodney seems to feel it, as his sobs start to lessen in strength and come more infrequently. 

 

Holding Rodney now, John feels so much love. He has been aching to show it somehow. He hates how needy he has felt for Rodney, but having Rodney here needing him, makes it so much easier. Easier not to feel desperate and weak for needing someone he shouldn’t. Rodney has given him a reason to express love that doesn’t need justification. 

 

He does have a heart, he can feel it now, and it belongs to Rodney. 

 

John snakes his hands across Rodney’s frame with all the tenderness he has never expressed, all the emotion that is in his soul.

 

Slowly, Rodney’s breathing returns to normal, he is saying something but John can’t make it out through the pillow. He reaches his hand up and gently pets Rodney’s head. Oh. That feels too good. He keeps his hand where it is and pets Rodney’s hair again. It is so soft.

 

“Can’t hear you through the pillow.” 

 

As Rodney starts to turn his face, John reluctantly lets his hand slip away. Rodney turns to his side, facing John. 

 

Inching closer, John keeps his arms and body protectively wrapped around Rodney; Rodney’s tearstained face only a few inches from his, just far enough away to gaze easily at each other. 

 

Rodney gives him that beseeching look again; like he is searching for something he lost. John lets his eyes radiate the emotion he is feeling and softly smiles. He wishes he could tell Rodney how much he loves him, but if he can’t say it, at least he can show it. 

 

Whatever Rodney needs right now, John will try to give it to him. He reaches up again to Rodney’s hair, petting it. Lost in the sensation, he lets his fingers trail down the side of Rodney’s face without meaning to. Rodney looks confused and his mouth opens in surprise. Feeling guilty, John moves his arm to Rodney’s shoulder, petting his back instead. 

 

“What were you trying to say before?” He asks.

 

“It was all my fault, you know.” Rodney lets his eyes rest in John’s, he looks sad but relaxed and spent. 

 

John starts to disagree with him but Rodney cuts him off. “Don’t. Don’t try to tell me what to feel.” 

 

“I, I was supposed to go fishing with him.” Rodney continues, “It was all he was looking forward to for weeks and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I hate fishing. 

 

And, and, I had those junior techs checking out that machine. If I had just done it myself there wouldn’t have been any exploding tumors but- 

 

But I wasn’t a good friend because I lied to Carson. I lied to get out of the fishing trip. And it was a terrible lie, he knew it was a lie and he was too kind to call me on it. I told him that Katie and I hadn’t had enough time to spend together, that we barely saw each other and she was guilting me about the relationship. So you see-”

 

“I was a selfish friend,” Rodney takes a big breath, “he was the only person in the world who ever got to know me completely, to really know me. He knew all my dark secrets, things I’ve never told anyone else and he was still my friend. He was the kind of friend I thought I’d never have, but I was selfish. 

 

My last act as a friend was petty and selfish. How can I ever forgive myself for that? For being responsible for killing my best friend in the world? There will never be anyone like him. And now he’s gone, and, and, and I can’t even say I’m sorry.” Rodney’s eyes begin to well again but he stays calm.

 

Letting him make his confession, John keeps petting Rodney and holding him. He feels sad realizing Carson knew Rodney better than himself, that Rodney doesn’t tell John everything. He knows it isn’t fair, he hasn’t told Rodney all of his dark secrets but he wishes he could. He wishes he was something more, at least Rodney’s best friend. 

 

“People that get to know me usually don’t like me very much, Carson was different.” Rodney says morosely.

 

“I like you Rodney.” John objects.

 

“Yeah, but…” Rodney seems dismissive as if John didn't enter his calculations, “You don’t count, you’re-” 

 

“I’m what?” John prompts him.

 

“Well you’re you, you’re,” Rodney answers offhandedly, “weird.” 

 

“I’m weird?” John raises his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah,” Rodney gives a sad laugh, “that’s, ah, hardly saying anything coming from me.” 

 

.  
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___________________________________________________________  
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.

 

Realizing suddenly that he isn’t crying anymore, Rodney feels embarrassed about his meltdown. He has to say something to give John permission to leave.

 

“Well. I guess I’m okay now.” He smiles weakly.

 

But John doesn’t let go; he moves his hands deliberately across Rodney’s back and squeezes him closer. Rodney sighs and surrenders to John’s attention. Nothing feels as good as this, being held like this is amazing. It makes Rodney lightheaded, makes him think about how much more he wished he could have had with John. 

 

He has gotten used to setting such thoughts aside. But for the moment, he will let himself indulge in whatever this is. Whatever this is, John has never touched him like this before, but Rodney knows he won’t stay like this for long. The occasions when John makes himself accessible are few and fleeting; he disappears again just as suddenly. 

 

It doesn’t matter; Rodney will take what he can get. He closes his eyes and shivers under John’s touch. Then, uncurling his arms from his chest, he reaches out to feel John. When John doesn’t recoil from him, Rodney is emboldened. 

 

Returning the gentle caresses, he reaches his arms around John and runs his fingers down his back. He keeps it simple, not doing anything other than what John has already done. 

 

When he remembers that John was petting his hair earlier, Rodney starts to think about how much he has always wanted to touch John’s dark locks. He works up the courage and then reaches up, unsure of where to start. He sets his hand on the back of John’s neck and combs up with his fingers wide. 

 

Oh Wow. It is thick and wild. Rodney’s hand finds the top of John’s head and he can’t stop himself from closing his fist and clenching at the unruly mane. 

 

John inhales sharply and Rodney self-consciously releases his grip. But he needs more, he needs to be closer to John; he nestles up against him and rests his head in the crook of John’s arm. John accommodates and moves his body even closer, pressing into Rodney. 

 

A deep feeling of contentment overtakes him and Rodney sighs. Letting a hand rest on John’s chest, he enjoys the sensation of John’s fingers sweeping over his head and back. After a while Rodney realizes he must have drifted off to sleep. John is rousing him. 

 

Petting his head softly, John asks, “Hey… Rodney? You want to move up to the…”  

 

“Mmmm.” Rodney mumbles sleepily. He follows John under the covers, bringing his pillow back to the head of the bed. As soon as they are under the blanket, they move together seamlessly, reaching for each other. 

 

He rests his head on John’s shoulder, his hand across John’s chest. The way they are right now feels so completely connected, embracing each other, their bodies folded into each other in a perfect fit. Somehow he always knew they would fit perfectly if they could hold each like this. Rodney closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep to John’s loving caresses.

 

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___________________________________________________________  
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.

 

After a night of drinking with Lorne, Ronon stumbles up the stairs to his bedroom. Honestly, he could have gone another few rounds. He doesn’t even feel tired. John is usually up late, maybe he’ll see what he is up to. Ronon looks at the room across the hall from his. The light is peeking out from under the door; Ronon enters without knocking. 

 

The bed is empty, still made. Ronon starts to reach for his pistol before he remembers where they are no Wraith in Scotland. He turns the light off and wonders where John could have gotten to. 

 

Then he hears a voice from the next room. It sounds like John, “Hey... Rodney...”  The rest he can’t make out. 

 

Ronon turns the bathroom knob and walks in. The door to the adjacent room is wide-open and he is shocked to see John and Rodney getting into the same bed. As soon as they are under the blanket they move together in a way that is very familiar and intimate. 

 

Rodney curls up on John’s chest and John strokes Rodney’s head in a loving and protective manner. Ronon is a bit drunk so he just stands there with his mouth gaping, taking the scene in. 

 

Wow. John and Rodney… He never would have guessed. But wait, they aren’t together? Rodney is with Katie Brown, it’s not like he ever lets anyone forget the fact. 

 

Oh. And there’s the connection. John’s breakdown started around the same time Rodney started dating Katie. So what the hell are the 2 of them doing together now, and why would John be so secretive about this? Ronon comes to and backs out of the room as quietly as he can. None of his business. He heads back to his room to crash. 

 

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___________________________________________________________  
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Blinking and coming to, Rodney realizes it’s morning and he and John are still tangled lazily across each other. They’ve done this before –slept in the same bed… but never all wrapped up in each other under the same blanket… Never so, so intimate. Those other times, John was always up and out of bed in the morning before Rodney, acting like nothing had happened; and of course they never talked about it afterward. 

 

This could be awkward. How will John react? Usually John gets up much earlier than he does and he wonders if John is awake now. As if to answer the question, John sleepily stretches and reaches over to Rodney, grabbing him under the covers and spooning him with their legs intertwined.

 

Whoa. This is different. 

 

John seems contented to doze off again and Rodney relaxes. He feels so tingly and lightheaded with John breathing into his neck, snuggled against him, his arm hugging Rodney’s chest… Rodney feels so blissfully peaceful.

 

When he wakes again John is standing over him gently shaking his shoulder, “Hey… We got that church thing.” 

 

“What time is it?!” Rodney sits up in alarm.

 

“It’s about 8:30am Greenwich Mean Time” John answers.

 

“Oh my God,” Rodney jumps up out of bed, “we’ve got to go. I don’t have time to order food now and I’m going to get all hypoglycemic. I’ve got to say some profound words and, and…” 

 

Panicking, Rodney doesn’t understand why John looks so calm. John smiles and gestures like a stewardess to a platter of food on the table. 

 

“Wow,” Rodney blinks, “coffee and everything.” 

 

He looks up at John shyly, “Thanks, that’s really… Thanks.” 

 

“Ronon and I will be downstairs.” John gives a playful nod towards the door.

 

A rush of gratitude washes through him as he watches John walk away. John has made him feel like he isn’t alone, like he doesn’t have to do this alone. Last night Rodney had felt like he wasn’t going to live through these feelings, but now… Well, at least it is bearable. 

 

John is a really good friend. If only he didn’t look so unbelievably sexy in his formal military attire. Rodney needs to put that out of his mind and be thankful that he didn’t lose his last friend in the world when he lost Carson. 

 

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___________________________________________________________  
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“Is he still sleeping?” Ronon asks when he sees John walks back downstairs, 

 

“Nah, he’s up.” John smiles.

 

Ronon looks at John thinking about what he saw last night, “Nice of you to bring him breakfast in bed.” 

 

“Hey, what are friends for.” John shrugs easily.

 

“Yeah.” Ronon lifts his brows ambivalently.

 

During the church service Ronon watches John. He isn’t acting any differently than he normally does, but Ronon is reinterpreting everything he thought he knew. When John gives Rodney an easy scowl or lifts an eyebrow, Ronon can see the protectiveness. 

 

John might appear easygoing, but he is acutely aware of every move McKay makes, like he is guarding him. Ronon is sure that John must be in love with Rodney. It is strange, definitely. Not the type he thought John was interested in, but it’s pretty obvious now that he knows.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places during Season 3, between episodes 17 & 18  
> .


	16. Do not open until Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John and Rodney spend another tender night together in Scotland._  
> .

.

.

Later that night Ronon asks the two of them if they want to come out drinking with he and Lorne. Rodney is looking pretty fragile and says no, John follows Rodney's lead and stays behind with him.

 

Leaving them in the pub to finish their dinner, Ronon heads out. Halfway to the other Inn, he remembers that he left his Earth currency behind. He doubles back, walking the extra 5 minutes impatiently and quickly striding up the stairs to his room.

 

He can't remember where he put the stuff. Ronon rifles through his things gruffly and is finally rewarded with the pieces of paper he seeks. He flips off the light and opens the door to go.

 

Just then he sees John and Rodney walking up the stairs to the landing. Something makes Ronon step back into the darkness rather than moving forward to say hello. He tells himself he's just letting them have their privacy.

 

Rodney stops in the hall suddenly and puts his hands over his face. Ronon can see his shoulders shaking.

 

"Sorry." Rodney sniffles through his hands.

 

John immediately reacts and walks over to Rodney attentively. He reaches down and pulls Rodney into a tender hug, holding one hand on the back of his neck and the other around his waist. Rodney seems to melt into him, relaxing his face into John's shoulder.

 

"Shhh, it's okay, Rodney." John's tall body is slightly stooped to curve into him.

 

Still sniffling, Rodney moves his hands from his face and reaches up to clasp his arms around John's neck. Ronon notices that Rodney lifts himself onto his toes a little to match the embrace.

 

It's a very sweet scene, the two of them holding onto each other that way. But Ronon is confused. Does Rodney love John too?

 

He's embarrassed to be spying on them like this. Clearly his motives were not about privacy. But he has to admit he's very curious to know what's going on between the two of them.

 

"John?" Rodney is speaking in a broken voice.

 

He can't hear John's response but Rodney seems to have gotten an answer and continues, "Do you think… maybe…c-could I…"

 

"Shhh…" John is stroking McKay's head, "What is it?"

 

"I feel... afraid-" Rodney's voice catches in his tears, "to ask, like I shouldn't-"

 

"You can ask me anything," John moves his hands to cradle Rodney's face; he looks at him with unmistakable love and longing, "I'll do anything I can."

 

Rodney is blinking through the tears, trying to meet John's gaze but failing, "I just… really don't want to… be alone tonight, and I was wondering if you could-"

 

"Of course." John folds Rodney back into him, "Of course you don't have to be alone. I meant what I told you last night. You aren't, you aren't alone. Whenever you need me, I'll be here. I won't ever leave you, I promise Rodney."

 

McKay heaves into John's shoulder. To Ronon it sounds like he is sobbing with relief. After Rodney composes himself, the two of them head into Rodney's room.

 

Okay... So spending the night together isn't something they usually do. Not if Rodney is asking like that.

 

Maybe they aren't actually fucking in there. Maybe it's more of a comfort thing. But they are clearly more than friends. Friends don't comfort each other like that.

 

And the way John held Rodney's face and looked at him … that isn't friendship. There is love involved, at least on John's part. Ronon decides he has done enough prying for one night and heads out.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John lets Rodney shower first, then takes his turn. He loves this feeling -being needed by Rodney, having a reason to touch and hold him in ways he normally can't.

 

And he knows he can't... can't really _be_ with him. But what he can do, is give Rodney what he needs right now. He can be a friend that Rodney knows is not leaving, someone he can rely on.

 

When John comes back to the room wearing his black T-shirt and boxers; Rodney is looking bashful, pulling the blanket over himself on the far side of the bed.

 

"Hey" John lifts a brow, "Isn't that my side?"

 

"Oh." Rodney gets flustered, "Yeah, if you want… I can-"

 

"Kidding, Rodney." John gets into the bed, taking the open side.

 

"Right." Rodney manages a halfhearted smile.

 

Sliding over, John puts himself within arm's reach of Rodney, not sure if he should touch him. Rodney turns to his side, his back facing away from John; his body looks contorted with pain and John knows he's crying again.

 

He can't just lie here without comforting him. John moves all the way over and lies against Rodney, hugging him tightly. He presses his face into Rodney's neck. For a moment he breathes and enjoys the sensation of his lips against Rodney's skin.

 

Then he speaks gently, "It's okay. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Rodney… just let it out."

 

The back of Rodney's shoulders heave against John's chest as he gives into the sorrow. John can feel the pain, like it's radiating out of Rodney's body. Or maybe he is just remembering how it felt when he lost Lyle.

 

No one should ever have to be that alone, and he doesn't want Rodney to feel that way. John rocks his body slightly, moving Rodney with him. His hand sways across Rodney's chest, "It's okay. It's going to be okay, you're not alone in this."

 

"Not. Okay…" Rodney's struggles to speak through the tears, "My fault."

 

"I know you don't believe it but you need to hear it. It wasn't your fault." John squeezes him as tight as he can.

 

"Let him… down, mm-bad friend." Rodney chokes on the words.

 

"No, no." John brushes his face into the curve of Rodney's neck, "He thought you were a worthy friend and his life was made better by knowing you."

 

Hearing Rodney whimper, John pushes himself up to look at him. Rodney's hands are obscuring most of his face.

 

"Rodney. Carson knew you and loved you for who you are. You are a special kind of unique... wonderful person. Not many people get the chance to really know you. And believe me, his life was made better by knowing you."

 

"Just," John sits up completely and pulls Rodney's shoulder, "Come here. Let me hold you."

 

"Crying, I'm all wet and-"

 

"I don't care." John's voice is gentle; he pulls Rodney to face him, hugging him into his chest and holding him possessively.

 

"You can't know that." Rodney sobs into John's T-shirt, "That I made his life… better."

 

"I know you've made my life better for knowing you." John's heart swells with love as he strokes Rodney's back.

 

"Really?" Rodney sounds uncertain.

 

"Yes! Why are you always so surprised when I tell you something like this? How could you not know how I feel about you? No, never mind. I know, I'm not good at this stuff. That's why I haven't gotten close to a lot of people in my life. I'm… difficult.

 

But, you know how you feel about Carson? Well, that's how I feel about you, you're that person for me, the one who knows me better than anyone and still likes me. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend."

 

"Really?" Rodney asks again, "I would have thought Ronon was-"

 

"Close," John tightens his arms around Rodney, "but not as close as you."

 

"Are you just telling me what I want to hear?" Rodney sounds suspicious.

 

"No." John reaches up to pet his hand through Rodney's hair, "Probably I just have more courage to tell you now… because of what we're going through. And I know, it doesn't make any of this any better. But, ah, it's been the case for years."

 

"It does. It does make it better." Rodney squeezes John with a massive hug, "Well, not better. But not as bad."

 

"I don't think I can cry anymore." Rodney leans his head back to peer at John in the darkness. "I want to, but I'm so exhausted, I… You know, it, just baffles me that anyone could know me and not hate me."

 

"Rodne-"

 

"No, no, so far, it's just been you and Carson. Well, Katie tells me she thinks she knows me, but she doesn't. She says with me there is no subtext, that I'm an open book, but I know I'm not. And once she gets a little deeper, she's going to feel about me the way most people do."

 

John's heart is breaking but he pushes himself to speak about the woman Rodney loves, "We don't have to be defined by the things that have happened in the past. Didn't you tell me something like that? Not to believe our worst fears are true? Listen, if Katie has half a brain than she is bound to love you too."

 

"You really think so?" Rodney looks to John with a desperate expression, "I've been told before... I've been told that I'm unlovable."

 

"By who?" John growls.

 

"Doesn't matter." Rodney sighs, "Everyone decides I'm not good enough in the end."

 

"Well, they were wrong." John hugs Rodney back to his chest, "You're lovable, _extremely_  loveable."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney surrenders into John's embrace but wants to ask, _'If that's so true, why don't YOU love me, then?'_

 

"You've got to count the people in your life that care about you." John keeps rubbing Rodney's back, "You've got Katie, and me, Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon-"

 

"Ronon?"

 

"Even Ronon. And we all love you. We're your surrogate family, remember?"

 

"What do you mean?" Rodney stiffens, "I didn't tell you that, did I?"

 

"Ah…"

 

"Wait. Did you watch my tape? The one I made when I hadn't slept in 3 days?

 

"Ford …may have given me a copy."

 

"Oh, God." Rodney sighs, "Okay. That's embarrassing."

 

"Well, I really enjoyed your insights on leadership. Not that embarrassing, really …-Oh, except for the part about you spanking it to Colonel Carter every night."

 

"Oh, God." Rodney cringes.

 

"Sorry, just trying to make you laugh." John sounds tender.

 

"I'm not laughing." Rodney frowns at him.

 

"Well, then, I'll be serious. We _are_ your surrogate family. And I'm saying that we're all here for you. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me."

 

Rodney lets out a big stuttering sigh. Maybe he can trust that John won't leave. He'll let himself believe what John is saying. It feels good to believe that. Rodney buries his face into John's neck and lets his hands wander across his back.

 

"Okay." He answers belatedly, "Thank you."

 

He spends the rest of the night and the following morning wrapped in John's arms, feeling safe and comforted.

 

When he finally has to get out of bed for the return trip to Colorado, it is painful to disentangle himself. He loves being all wrapped up with John like this. Now that they're going back, this closeness they've been sharing will come to an end.

 

Maybe not an end exactly, but it won't be the same. They'll be back to their own beds, returning to their normal lives on Atlantis.

 

Still, the memory of being held by him, all the things John's told him… he will keep them in his heart always.

 

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* * *

.

.

 

After a few days back on Atlantis, John adjusts to his old routine. It feels like everything that happened back in Scotland was just a dream, surreal. Rodney is with Katie now and there is no excuse for John to touch him or hold him the way he wants to.

 

Rodney's been somber and quieter than his usual self, he hasn't wanted to talk much about Carson's death since they left Earth. But whenever Rodney needs him, John is sure he'll come to him.

 

Usually John isn't good at talking about feelings, but in this case he feels confident. At least he thinks he made it pretty clear to Rodney how much he cares. Well, except the part about being in love with him. That is something John will keep hidden away.

 

There's another thing that he has to give Rodney though, something he had made while they were away. He isn't sure if the meaning will translate, but he hopes it will.

 

He tapes up the small box in some bright Christmas wrapping paper -made all the more perfect since Summer is just beginning back on Earth. He waits for a time when he knows Rodney is in the lab and lets himself into Rodney's quarters.

 

It's messy as usual, and John clears away the clutter on the bedside table before placing the small gift squarely in the middle where Rodney can't fail to notice it.

 

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* * *

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.

 

Walking with Katie on the pier has been nice but Rodney just feels like he needs some time to himself. Before Carson's sudden death, their sex life had been pretty good. But she's been understanding that Rodney still needs more time to grieve. He walks her to her quarters and kisses her goodnight before making his way back to his own room.

 

As Rodney gets ready for bed, he notices something is different. Someone has cleared his bedside table and placed a present there.

 

It could only be John. Rodney examines the box. Christmas paper. -definitely John.

 

He opens the small tag, it reads, _'Do not open until Christmas.'_

 

A small laugh escapes Rodney's lips and they curl up into a smile despite himself. He can't believe John remembered that passing comment about never being able to wait until Christmas to open presents.

 

Knowing John means for him to open it now, Rodney tears away the wrapping in excitement. There is some tissue paper inside and Rodney pulls at it. His hand finds something metal, cool to the touch. Rodney lifts it and gasps.

 

The picture, the one of he and Carson together… It's here, on a set of dog tags. Or at least, they look like dog tags. One of the pieces of aluminum is stamped with Carson's name, blood type, and other information. The other piece is smooth. Somehow, John has sealed the picture on both sides of it.

 

Of course.

 

John had remembered that Rodney wanted to keep it. Just like John had wanted to keep Lyle's dog tags after he died. So John is trying to give Rodney something he didn't have with Lyle, something to remember Carson by, something that will last.

 

Rodney smiles wistfully at the portrait of he and Carson laughing together. He lifts the chain eagerly over his head, then holds the picture up and stares at it intently. He will never forget Carson, never let go of the friendship. This way, Rodney can keep him close to his heart. He pulls the chain up and lets it fall under his shirt.

 

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* * *

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.

 

It's obvious the moment John sees Rodney's face the next day that he liked his present. He has always loved how expressive Rodney's face is, how the emotions dance across his features.

 

When he sees John across the cafeteria, Rodney's eyes widen. Looking like he can barely contain himself, he walks briskly over to John. Rodney reaches out his arm but then pulls back, shifting his eyes around the room. Instead, he places his hand on his chest and grips the dog tags, lifting them up a little from under his shirt.

 

"I love them." He gazes at John with a vulnerable expression, "I love them so much, thank you."

 

"You mean, you couldn't wait 'till Christmas?" John jokes but his eyes shine with tenderness.

 

"That was a nice touch." Rodney smiles in amusement, "You didn't have to. Really, thank you so much."

 

Softly regarding the man he loves, John lets his face fall into an unguarded expression. Those huge blue eyes looking back at him ripple with emotion. It makes John's heart beat hard and fast. He could almost swear, the way Rodney is looking at him now-

 

But Rodney's face changes, looking more closed now, he is watching something over John's shoulder.

 

John feels Ronon slap him heartily on the arm, "Hey. So you ready for this mission or what?"

"Yeah." John reluctantly blinks down for a moment.

 

Looking back up, Rodney's making a face, "Um, No. I've got a few things to take care of first, like I don't know, maybe eat before I pass out? But I'll see you later." He's giving John one of their secret smiles, one that only outwardly looks annoyed at the prospect. 

"Right," John nods casually. "Looking forward to that." he retorts hoping Rodney means later tonight. ...if he isn't too busy with Katie, maybe they can hang out and play chess.

 

"Later?" Ronan questions, "Isn't he coming with us?"

 

"Let's get suited up," John rolls his eyes, "You know how McKay gets about his food."

 

"Right." Ronan gives him a strange frown that makes John wonder if he's noticed something, but then he just shrugs, "We could always just leave him behind. Teyla's the only one who knows how to make contact with these people."

 

"I wish." John gives an obligatory grimace, "But if this power source she's been telling us about turns out to be something, we're gonna need McKay to test it."

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, between episodes 17 & 18  
> .

**Author's Note:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places during Season 3, between episodes 17 & 18  
> .


End file.
